Fair fighting

For the most part life is not fair and who ever told you it was lied to you.  If you love and or care about someone and are fighting with them the way to do it is not to try to win.  Like I wrote yesterday arguing with someone should not be about winning and losing.  It should be about resolving issues so you both can live with the result.  It is not about dragging everything you have ever done out every time you argue just to make sure you win or to prove whatever point you’re trying to make.  You should discuss only the issue at hand.  If there is  a pattern to what is happening now you can mention the fact that there is a pattern but not every single thing that relates to that pattern.  Bringing up old issues only clouds what is happening now.  It is also not about yelling at each other.  When yelling begins, your hearing what the other person is saying stops.  It then becomes pointless to continue because no one is hearing anything.  If you are angry, walk away until you have your anger under control.  Then talk about what happened and why you’re angry.  If you begin to get angry again while you’re talking about the problem, walk away again, or allow the other person to walk away and do not follow them.  Following them or yelling at them diminishes both of you.  Following them indicates you need to control the situation.  Yelling shows that you are too angry to discuss anything at the moment.  Both of those things will not resolve anything.  They will make it worse and now you have two problems.  The original one and now the fact that you are yelling or having to control the situation.

Controlling yourself and your emotions, especially anger is sometimes difficult if you are not used to doing it.  If you are a physical person you may have to go for a run or a walk to get ride of the anger energy.  If you are more sedate you may want to listen to music or read a book to get rid of the energy.  It does not matter what you do, the point is to get rid of it so you are calm enough to talk.  It is about controlling you, not the other person, so you can resolve the issue so it does not happen again.  These video’s can help to relax you and give away what needs to be given away before you begin your talk.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

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Violence

Using violence of any kind, whether it is verbal or physical, is an indication that you have already lost the battle.  Violence does not solve anything.  It will get you more violence.  People become violent when they feel they have no other choice or when they have been raised in violence and it has worked in their family to get what they want.  If you are trying to solve or resolve a problem than violence is not the way to do it.  If you are trying to get the upper hand and “win” then you will resort to anything to get what you want and “Win”.  Resolving problems has nothing to do with winning.  If you are in a relationship and are having an argument or discussion with your partner and you have resorted to violence to win, you should get out of the relationship, because you do not love this person. That is another blog.  Resorting to violence means you have to be right and the other person has to do it your way or you will make them.  Violence is not winning it is making the other person comply out of fear.  You don’t win on a lot of levels.  Making someone do something in order for you not to hurt them is bullying.  You need to look at why you need to be right all of the time and why you need to win all of the time.  It is impossible to do both all of the time.  All of us lose once in a while and all of us are wrong some of the time.  It should not be ego based whether we win or lose or are right or wrong.  it should be a realistic expectation that we are both once in a while.  Neither make us bad people, just fully human.  Resorting to violence means we have not been taught the skill set that we need to resolve the problem any other way and become frustrated because we don’t have the skill set necessary to do so.  Learning the skill set is not impossible no matter what age you happen to be.  Finding other ways to resolve your problems will make you a happier, more content person.  It is always easier when you accept yourself as a fallible human being like the rest of us.  These video’s will help you to relax and get rid of what you need to give away so you can change your behavior.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

Hunches and facts

Hunches or gut feelings are wonderful things.  They are often times things that should be followed and looked into for the facts.  Hunches are sometimes based in past events, trying to tell us something like this happened before and we should pay attention now if we don’t want the same thing to happen, especially if it was a bad thing.  However, they are emotionally based and are not necessarily facts.  If you are working in a capacity where you effect other people’s lives you should search for the facts before you act on any hunch you might have.  You do not have a right to permanently alter another persons life without good reason.  Hunches are not good reasons.  Facts are good reasons.  Facts require searching all of the facts, not just the ones that support your hunch or theory.  They are things that are not necessarily going to support your theory, they will sometimes turn you in an altogether different direction.  If your hunch is based in trying to help figure out the truth about a matter, then it is not emotionally and therefore ego based.  If it is, you will not turn this information away, you will accept the truth of it and move forward.  If you cannot do this, you are setting yourself up for failure because your information is incorrect.  Your hunch or theory is based in misinformation and emotional baggage from our past that needs to be looked at by you before you go any further.  These hunches are usually based in fear and come from something in childhood that was similar to whatever triggered this hunch.  If you are gathering all of the facts you will be alright, if not then you have to look at your motives and figure out why you cannot accept the truth when you see it, or accept being wrong.

Following hunches about everyday life choices are usually based in the past experiences that we’ve had.  They are usually telling us not to do the same thing again because it did not end well.  They are also usually emotionally based but are ony effecting us, not others   They should be followed because they are about us and our experiences and the fact that they were not good for us the last time they were experienced.  Listening to them is a way of validating those feelings and teaching new ways of dealing with the same type of thing, we will then change the way we experience things in the future.  These video’s will help you relax while you are making the change.  Link to the video’s.    Enjoy!

Children and seizing opportunitites to teach

Often times we look at our children’s behavior as good or bad,  then equate it with them being good or bad.  Our children are not born knowing the difference.  We teach them that they are good or bad, depending on what we are telling them and how we respond to them.  If we are telling them they are bad and then laugh at the behavior we are confusing them.  Bad things are not laughable.  If we tell them they have to be good in a store and then bribe them to do so we are telling them we will pay them to behave.  That is not a realistic goal.  No one else in the universe is going to do that.  If we get them whatever they want when we go to a store because they are acting out, we are teaching them they can get away with this behavior and get rewarded for it.  None of these behaviors, will make them successful people, necessarily.  manipulative yes, successful?  In some ways yes, because they will manipulate people to get what they want.  Most of us get tired of being manipulated and will stop hanging around the manipulator.  So success with this behavior is limited.

So, what do you do?  Natural consequences for actions are best whenever you can.  Not giving in to the temper tantrum and allowing them to have one without trying to control it or give attention to it.  If you leave them alone with their anger they will learn to control it for themselves and they will also learn that it will not get them anything.  Mom and Dad have to be on the same page.  They cannot learn that they can go to one parent and undermine what the other one just said. Parents have to agree on how situations are going to be handled, together.  That means you have to talk about it, agree to it and follow through with what was agreed.  The child has to know that you are a united front.  If you have other people living in the house, babysitter, Aunts, Uncle or Grandparents they have to be following through with what you, as parents, have agreed.  It is your household, you have to be the one running it.  Otherwise you are teaching a child how to undermine your authority in your home by allowing that to continue.  No one should have the authority to make the rules in your home but you.

Looking at behavior as opportunities to teach life lessons, instead of good or bad behavior also takes the judgment out of it.  Being a child means you are learning to be an adult.  It means you have not mastered that feat yet.  It means that you have parents who are going to teach you how to be an adult that can be successful in life.  It means that your parents are not acting out of their own frustrations, their own past experiences of being a child and most especially guilt about not having enough time for them.  Children love to play on their parents guilt.  Whatever the natural consequence for the behavior would be, should be done.  If a temper tantrum has occurred and a mess was made, the natural consequence would be to clean it up.  If the child is young, you may have to help them.  Everythng stops for that child until the mess is cleaned up.  If you wait to clean it, the child will forget why they are cleaning the mess.  You should not have given any attention to the temper tantrum either.  Unless they are hurting themselves, let them alone with their anger.  Whatever you give attention to, they will repeat.  If you have been doing the temper tantrum thing for a while, in order to break it you will have to ignore the behavior.  That will take strength and courage on your part.  If you have been doing it for years, it will take a while for it to stop.  It will take you doing it daily to have it stop. The behavior will escalate because the child is use to getting away with the behavior and does not understand why it is no longer working.  So they do whatever they can to get our attention so they can get their way, it worked before, why not now.  After all, if you have walked 4 miles into the woods it will take 4 miles to get out of the woods and you are now tired as well.

The older your child is the more difficult it will be to change the behavior.  It is not impossible, it will take more determination on your part because you have allowed it to continue for so long.  Even if you have someone undermining you and your authority,  you can do it.  Your children will learn what you are teaching them.  If you teach them there are limits, they will learn limits, if you teach them to manipulate their world they will learn to do that as well.  You are the teacher, they are the student, be careful what you are teaching, because they are paying attention.  These video’s will help you to relax while you’re changing their behavior and yours.   Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

Hanging on to memories

Remembering events in our lives is sometimes a good thing.  During the upcoming Holiday’s there may be times, with family, that “old times” are discussed.  For most of us,  these are good memories and they make us laugh and bring us closer to our families.  I have discussed in the past that using humor helps me to deal with a lot of things.  Being able to find humor, even in the bad things that have happened to us, is a healthy way of dealing with it and shows that we have healed.  That does not mean that you are making jokes about serious things at a time when someone is hurting.

If you are holding on to a memory that causes you emotional pain, let it go.  This is usually a process and does not happen overnight.  Letting go is about finding out why you are holding on to the memory.  That will mean you have to sit with the memory.  What I mean by that is, you will have to take time to be alone, quiet and allow yourself to remember whatever it is.  You will then ask yourself what this memory holds for you, what does it do for you, what purpose does it serve that you need it.  Why does it keep coming up at different times?  The answers to those questions may vary but all of the memories we have, hold a purpose or we would not keep repeating them in our heads.  This should not take a lot of time out of our day.  Only 10 to 15 minutes a day.  Set a timer if you have to do so.  Don’t go over, stop when the timer goes off.  During the day if the same memory or even different ones come up, push then out and know that you will have to give them voice later.  Then do it with the same questions. You will begin to control them and deal with them on your terms instead of having them come up whenever they happen to appear in our thoughts.  Don’t forget to set a time limit and stick to it.  These video’s will help you to relax and let go of whatever you is stopping you from moving forward.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

Making judgements

We humans make judgements about things on a daily basis. Sometimes minute by minute.  We wake up and make a judgement about whether or not we feel like wearing the red shirt or the black shirt today.  We make a judgement about whether we agree with what is being broadcast on the news today or whether it is just media hype.  We make a judgement about whether or not we think the President is doing a good job, we might be making that judgement based upon whether we truly feel that way or we are just prejudiced against people of color, and it really wouldn’t matter what he was doing, we still wouldn’t like him.  When we make judgements it tells the person listening more about us and our character then about  the person which we are making the judgement.  Some judgements are necessary for daily life and show personal preferences for certain things.  Others are not necessary and even sometimes cruel.  Judgements are not necessarily good or bad, except when we begin to think ours is better than the other persons.  When we think we are right and the other person is wrong.  Both people can be right, for themselves.  Just because we don’t all think alike does not mean one of us is wrong.  Judgements of this nature are based upon the past and needing to be right.  No one is right all of the time.  Humans make mistakes.  If you are unable to allow a person to disagree with you without  becoming angry because they are doing so, you have the problem.  If you need others to agree with you in order to believe what you believe, then you really don’t believe it.  You should be able to stand on your own in your belief and defend it, without the support of others.  It is hard to do, but, can be done if you truly believe what you are saying.  Taking a look at where the judgement is coming from will do one of two things.  It will reinforce our belief or it will allow us to understand that our belief is based in fear or prejudice.  Those judgements should change and new ones based in understanding should take their place.  Judgements based in fear and prejudice only diminish us, they do nothing to the other person.  They show the people you are speaking with that you are fearful, prejudiced and stuck in anger about something in the past.  Only you can change that, by looking at why you are hanging on to the anger and where it is coming from in the past.  These video’s will help you to relax while you are letting go of those things you need to let go.  Link to the video’s.     Enjoy!

Finding root causes

Often times as a Behavior Specialist Consultant and in my personal life, I have been accused of making excuses for people’s behavior.  In my mind there is a huge difference between making excuses and finding root causes. Making excuses entails coming up with things that cause this person to do what they did and then letting them off the hook for whatever it might have been.  Finding root causes entails looking underneath the surface behavior to find what is driving the behavior.  This is done in order to change the underlying causal factors and therefore the behavior itself.  This does not let the person off the hook but makes them do work to change what was done so it will not happen again.  It not only changed the surface behavior, what you can see with the eye, but also what is driving the behavior.  An example might be the following:  When dealing with a child who has been molested you will see surface behaviors like hyper sexuality or the opposite dressing very plainly, fading into the woodwork to not be noticed or to not be attractive.  You will see criminal behavior, drug and / or alcohol use and eventually abuse.  You will see anger and a lot of it.  There will be poor school performance, especially if it is a teacher that is doing the molesting.  You will see cutting themselves, emotional dis-regulation, reactions to things that are not that bad will have an overreaction.  They will not be able to hold a job when they get older due to the anger.  They will have excuses for their responses to things that do not make sense to a normal person but it does to them and they will be angry with you if you dispute it.  Fixing only the surface behaviors will not change the behavior.  They may stop doing whatever you have punished them for, but the driving force behind the behavior has not changed and therefore it will continue to happen.  If you punish a child for dressing provocatively,they may not dress that way again in your presence, but they will find another way to express that behavior.  They may begin to sneak out of the house, dress provocatively when they are out of your sight, etc.  Because you have not found the underlying causal factor, the behavior continues.  It takes a lot of work to change causal factors.  Sometimes years and determination to make it different by the person exhibiting the behavior.  Making them feel bad about what they are doing will only make it worse.  It will make them defensive and pull away from you.  That does not mean you accept their behavior,  it means you let them know you will love them without strings.  Most of us have no idea how to do that.  Loving without conditions attached means that you are willing to love this person no matter what they do, no criticism, just acceptance of who they are and where they are at this point in their life.  That does not mean you accept their behavior.   You are also willing to tell them, without judgment, how it hurts you to see them do whatever it was they did and cause themselves such pain.  If you are only interested in what other people see then you are making excuses.  If you are trying to understand what is making it happen then you are looking for root causes and trying for a permanent change.  These video’s will help you to relax while you are giving away what you cannot control and is no longer working for you.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!