Fair fighting

For the most part life is not fair and who ever told you it was lied to you.  If you love and or care about someone and are fighting with them the way to do it is not to try to win.  Like I wrote yesterday arguing with someone should not be about winning and losing.  It should be about resolving issues so you both can live with the result.  It is not about dragging everything you have ever done out every time you argue just to make sure you win or to prove whatever point you’re trying to make.  You should discuss only the issue at hand.  If there is  a pattern to what is happening now you can mention the fact that there is a pattern but not every single thing that relates to that pattern.  Bringing up old issues only clouds what is happening now.  It is also not about yelling at each other.  When yelling begins, your hearing what the other person is saying stops.  It then becomes pointless to continue because no one is hearing anything.  If you are angry, walk away until you have your anger under control.  Then talk about what happened and why you’re angry.  If you begin to get angry again while you’re talking about the problem, walk away again, or allow the other person to walk away and do not follow them.  Following them or yelling at them diminishes both of you.  Following them indicates you need to control the situation.  Yelling shows that you are too angry to discuss anything at the moment.  Both of those things will not resolve anything.  They will make it worse and now you have two problems.  The original one and now the fact that you are yelling or having to control the situation.

Controlling yourself and your emotions, especially anger is sometimes difficult if you are not used to doing it.  If you are a physical person you may have to go for a run or a walk to get ride of the anger energy.  If you are more sedate you may want to listen to music or read a book to get rid of the energy.  It does not matter what you do, the point is to get rid of it so you are calm enough to talk.  It is about controlling you, not the other person, so you can resolve the issue so it does not happen again.  These video’s can help to relax you and give away what needs to be given away before you begin your talk.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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