Labels

Labels by themselves are necessary.  They help us identify things in our environment and communicate with each other.  Labels become a problem when we use them to hurt each other.  When the label becomes an adjective to make a person less than we are in our eyes and the eyes of others.  When it helps us to eliminate, lessen, objectify, ridicule, be afraid of or negatively criticize another person or sometimes entire groups of people.

In my profession labels are critical to getting any kind of service the person might need.  In order for the insurance company to pay for the service it has to be labeled.  So if a person is diagnosed with Bipolar disorder they are a person who has Bipolar disorder.  That is not the only thing they are.  The Bipolar does not stop them from living their lives.  They have to be mindful of the disorder, they have to take care of themselves like any other disease with which a person might have to deal.  They are taking medication for the disease, they are learning to control the anger outbursts but the disease should not be defining them.  They should be taught to control it and use it to their advantage.  Other people should not look at them as having something wrong with them any more than any other disease.

Labels should only be used to help us communicate. There is no reason to be afraid of, criticize or try to lessen another person because of the label that they carry.  It is not the only thing that they are and you will be the one missing out in getting to know what else this person might be or become. If you are the person that is trying to make the person less than they are you can change the behavior.  It will take 3 weeks of constantly stopping yourself from negatively talking about another person and using their labels to hurt them.  It will take 3 more weeks to make that a habit.  This video will help you relax and give away what you have no control over.     Click here for the link to the video’s.      Enjoy!

 

Grieving Loss

There are many kinds of loss.  It is not always about someone dying.  Loss is also not a good way of describing the feelings that happen.  Loss refers to something that has been misplaced.  There is unspoken hope that you will find it.  You won’t.  It’s gone and you won’t get it back later when you look in your closet or under yesterdays News Paper.  The next time you see the person who has died will be in Heaven, if you believe in Heaven.  If not, your never seeing that person again.  If it is about a loss in relationship, an heirloom that has been ruined or stolen, a house that has burned and you have lost all of your children’s baby pictures and memories, again you have not lost them.  You will not walk into a room one day and find them again.  The feeling that happens is greater than losing something that you still have hope of finding.  It is huge and indescribable.  The pain is breathtaking.  There is no English word for it.  If it is a material thing that has been lost, you will grieve for a while and then it will pass with some sadness.  If it is a relationship it will take the rest of your life, but will lessen with time.  If the relationship has been stolen from you because of lies and deceit it will take a long time.  If it is a child, the pain will lessen, but never go away.  Talking about it helps, letting go of what you cannot control helps, praying helps and so does meditation.  Letting go of a child takes a lifetime and the pain is all-consuming at times. Allowing yourself to feel the pain and then letting go of the pain and what you have no control over is the only way to heal.  Grieving is a process, it has steps to it that are accurate.  You will not go through them and then it is over.  You will go through them many, many times before the pain lessens.  You have to walk through it in order to get to the other side, there is no other way around it.  The love for that child or person will never stop, the pain of not having them in your life any longer takes time.  You have to learn to love them without them being present.  That is not an easy task.  The relaxation and guided imagery video will help you to let go of what you cannot control.   Link to the video’s

 

Saying No

Often times we will say yes to something that we really do not want to do or really do not have the time to do.  We say yes instead of no for a variety of reasons, mostly because we want to please the other person or don’t want to appear uncooperative.  This usually causes stress for the person who has said yes instead of no and also sets up a dynamic of now having to finish something you do not have time to do.  The other person will usually notice that it is not getting done in a timely manner and becomes irritated with you and calls you on it.  You are then stuck with having to explain why it is not done yet.  It would have been easier if you had just said “No, I’m sorry I do not have the time”.  Or ” I’m swamped right now, I’m sorry I can’t help you”.  The other person will usually understand even though they may continue to try to convince you to do it.  Once they understand your no means no, they will stop.  If they think you can be convinced to do it anyway, because you’ve done so in the past, they’ll stop bugging you when they realize you’ve changed and your no now means no.

Change again takes 3 weeks of constantly saying no to things you either cannot or do not want to do.  It takes another 3 weeks to make that behavior a habit.  Here is y relaxation video while you are working on changing this behavior.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw

Holiday behaviors

During the Thanksgiving holiday and the upcoming  seasons a lot of us go home to family.  We spend a couple days with the people we grew up with and are still in communication.  Those people may change from time to time due to divorce or death but they are basically the same  If you grew up in a basically happy functional family then your going home is a time to look forward to with happy expectation.  If you grew up in a dysfunctional home then you may find yourself taking on those old characteristics that were you when you were growing up.  If you have done any work at all on yourself, you are not usually that person because you have found, that person does not function well in the real world.  You may also have found that the only time you find yourself behaving like the old you is in the family setting.  If you are mindful of this fact, you can change it.  Again, no magic bullet, no instant pill to take only hard work on your part.

In an earlier blog I wrote about mindfulness.  Being aware of your surroundings and noticing what is around you and what you are feeling about those things.  Becoming aware of what triggers your mood change.  You cannot change it if you are not aware of what needs to change.  If you are becoming emotional around certain people or around certain things, rooms in a certain house.  There is a reason.  Spend time in the morning or evening allowing yourself time to think about why.  Set a timer for no more then 15 minutes each day on this.  When you find out why it will allow an understanding of where the feelings are coming from and therefore you will be able to acknowledge the fact that you are not that small child any longer and can take care of yourself.  You have to parent the child within, nurturing that child until it is not afraid, angry, sad or hurt by whatever happened in the past. You will need to nurture that child and parent it.  You will need to make sure this child knows it is safe and cared about by you. Using your dominent hand askthe child within what is making you fearful, angry etc.  Then with your non-dominent hand let the child tell you what that might be.  Listen to it and assure it that you will take care of it and they are safe.  You use the non-dominent hand becaue that engages emotional part of your brain, which is where your child lives. You will then notice the things that used to alter your mood before  when you went home, does not any longer.  You do not become that same old child for your family.  You will not leave there wondering why you turn into someone you are no longer around your family.  Keep in mind though that if your family is still dysfunctional, they will want you to be that old person because they need you to be.  Don’t fall for it, be who you are.  During your meditation you will need to relax first and give away the old behaviors.  This will help.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw

Enjoy!

Gossip

If you are in any kind of relationship with people.  If  you are a caring person.  If you believe that you should do to others what you would want done to yourself.  If you are not self absorbed.  You do not gossip.  Gossip hurts people.  It hurts not only the person being gossiped about but also the person gossiping.  Most of the time the gossip is not true.  So, the person telling it, is a liar.  Lying lessens you, not the other person.  Being know as a liar is a hard thing to overcome.  It can be done. It  not only takes you not lying, but,  it takes other people getting to the point where they feel they can begin to believe you.  You are also know as the person to not tell anything to unless you want it all over town.  You are not trustworthy.  You also hurt the other person, the one you are gossiping about, the one who now is faced with trying to over come the lies that were told about them.  If the gossip is about a child, the child will struggled with this for the rest of their lives.  They will struggle with proving to people that they are not what the gossip says about them.

If you listen to gossip, you are promoting it but listening.  If there is no one listening there will be no gossip.  Gossip only happens when there are people encouraging it to happen.  When people listen to it, whether or not you repeat it, you have given the person gossiping an audience.  It makes them center stage and promotes the need to gossip.  It therefore continues the cycle.  Instead of listening, walk away, when there is no one listening there will be no one talking about anyone else behind their backs.  Give it away and let it go.  You can use the guided imagery below.  Keep smiling

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw

Lying and withholding

In a relationship if you are withholding information about yourself, that usually indicates that you are not comfortable enough in the relationship to talk about whatever it might be.  You do not yet trust the other person with the information.  There is a reason for that.  There is something about that person that you are not yet comfortable enough with to tell them your secrets.  If you are lying about who you are or your past experiences for whatever the reason,  you are only hurting yourself and your future relationship.  It would be better to say that you are not yet ready to talk about that.  Most people would respect that statement and if they don’t you shouldn’t be with them anyway.  In the beginning of a relationship people are uncomfortable, they are afraid of being judged and rejected by the other.  They want to be liked by the other.  They want to feel comfortable when they are with the other.   They want connection to the other.  Feeling comfortable enough to talk about secrets may take time.  Not everyone finds that person that they instantly make a connection with and can talk for hours.  Reality says that it usually takes time to get to know the other person.  You have to be willing to take that time and to invest in the relationship.

If you have something in your past that you feel will impact your relationship, then getting it out of the way in the beginning will set the tone for the relationship.  The other will either accept whatever it is or not and feelings will not be as involved in the leaving each other.  When I say the beginning I do not mean the first time you meet.  I mean if it goes past the first several times you meet.  Before you are invested in the relationship and have singled the other out of the crowd.  Your emotions are still not too invested, but you are interested in getting to know this person more.  That would be the time. They will either accept or reject your secret as something they can live with or not.  You have no control over which one they will do. You can walk away without having too many emotions involved yet.  This is my relaxation /guided imagery videos to help get ride of what you cannot control.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw

Accepting negative behavior

Often times when I have worked with families in their homes or otherwise they complain about their child or their significant other because they are doing something that is irritating to them.  When asked how long this has been going on the usual answer is “As long as I’ve know them”.   I usually hear the complaint because whatever the behavior happens to be, it has now built to the point where the person cannot tolerate it any longer and is wanting it to either stop or they will get out of the relationship.  There is an old saying that goes something like this:  “start out as you mean to finish”.  So, do not accept anything  from your partner in life or anyone else that you cannot accept for the rest of your life.

At the beginning of a relationship there is a lighthearted glow about things and often times you know that normally what is happening would bother you but now, because it is new, it’s cute and tolerable.  No, it’s not.  You are at the beginning of a relationship where you are walking on air,  in love or lust or both.  Do not base what you will tolerate forever on those emotions.  Lust is fleeting and often times leaves when the reality of everyday comes into play.  Know that.  Act on that.  Do not trust what you are feeling when you are first in a relationship.  Know that if you could not normally tolerate it,  you will still not tolerate it as soon as these initial feelings go away.  If you do accept it now, you are telling the other person it is okay to do whatever it is and the behavior will continue.  If you do not accept it now, you have a better chance of that person not doing it,  because the relationship is new,  then it will be if you wait and they lose that initial glow of caring what you think and feel enough to change or stop.   If you truly care about each other then the other person will care enough to stop the behavior now it will take the usual 3 weeks and 3 weeks to make something else a habit.  Here is my relaxation video while you are waiting for the change to occur.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw