Divorce and / or separation and your children

Divorce can either be good or bad for children.  If they have parents that have been fighting a lot and they have been listening to it, divorce can be a relief for them.  If they have not been part of the fighting or know about the discord it will be a shock to them and they will probable be angry with both of you.  The parent they are with,  because you kicked out the other parent and the parent who left, because you left them too.  Children can usually get over this if the parents handle it correctly.  This requires a lack of selfishness on your part and a love for your children that is stronger then the feelings you have for the other parent and your need for revenge.

You cannot use the children as a means to hurt the other parent.   You are also hurting your children.  They get caught in the middle and they wind up having to choose between you.  They lose.  This is not right on many levels because it is not their fight and they should not be brought into it.  They have a right to have both parents active and a part of their lives.  You have no right to use them as a way to get even with the other parent for whatever they’ve done to you.  Children need both parents, they  have a right to both parents.

The parent that leaves often times, for what ever the reason will not see their children.  Sometimes it is because of the games that are being played by the other parent, and the legal system.  Sometimes it is because they have found another person who either has children of their own and does not want yours or sometimes it is because you have given up the fight with the other parent.  They are your children, you have an obligation to take care of them, not just financially, but emotionally as well.  Not spending time with them is teaching them they do not matter to you.  If you have found someone else, the obligation is still there whether they have children or not.  They knew you did when they met you, if they cannot accept your children also, then they should be the ones that go, not your children.  You do not want someone who cannot accept, treat the same as their own any child whether it is theirs or not.  If they cannot love someone who is a part of you, they will not love you either because they are too selfish to do so.  If you have another family with this person and your child knows that they have siblings that you are spending time with, but not with them, the emotional injury you are causing is huge.

Having children is not a selfish act.  It is a life long commitment.  It is not about giving you something. It is about giving them something.  Children are a gift that should not be thrown away when you get tired of it or it gets too much.  Children will learn about life and about themselves by what you, as the parent teach them.  Using them as a pawn teaches them they can manipulate  people, leaving them for someone else or choosing someone who is selfish enough not to love them too, teaches them they are not worth anything.  Living across town and not seeing them teaches them you do not love them enough to want to see them especially if you have another family with someone else.  You cannot buy them with money.  You can buy them with love and time spent.  Allowing them to know that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you.  Make time for them.  These video’s will help you to relax while you change your behavior and get rid of those things that are getting in the way of being a better parent.  Link to the video’s   Enjoy!

Advertisements

Published by

dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s