Feelings of abandonment

This blog ties in with yesterdays.  I have worked with many children that feel abandoned by one or more of their parents.  These children feel that way because the parent either cannot or will not engage with the child.  This marks the child for life and will not be something that the child will be able to get over easily.  Often times these feelings are there for life.  If your parents or family rejects you, you wonder what it is about you that is so unlovable?  You wonder why they do not love you, want you in their lives.  They wonder why anyone would love them if their families do not love them?  They grow up not trusting themselves or their judgment because there has to be something wrong with them for their own family and or parents not to love them.

I am not talking about children who have been adopted into loving homes.  I am talking about children of divorce and separation who have been rejected by one or more of their parents.  A child feels rejected if the parent does not see them, whether that is their choice or not.  They feel rejected when they know that Dad lives across town with his new family and does not see them but spends time with his new kids and wife.  They feel rejected when those children go to the same school and brag about the fact that their father went places with them during the past weekend.  Whether that brag is deliberate or not it still hurts to know that you are not spending any time with him.  They feel rejected when the parent they are living with is not spending time with them because you are busy with your job or a new man and not them.  They feel rejected if there is a new man in their house every couple of months or years and you are devoting your time to your job and finding a new man and not them.  They feel rejected when there is always time for other things and not them.   They feel rejected when the only time they’re noticed is if they are getting into some kind of trouble.

There are a lot of things that could be listed here that children have told me about their parents rejecting them.    The problem with rejection is that it will turn into anger during adolescence. They will become very anger, hormonal adolescents.  As parents, if this happens you will have lost any chance of getting them back until they are older and realize you, as parents, are not worth their destruction.  They will begin to drink, take drugs, get themselves into the criminal justice system because they have stolen something or hurt someone violently due to uncontrolled anger.  The adolescent brain does not fully develop until they are 25 years old.  Impulse control being one of the last things to develop.  Your child has now rejected you and your authority and been unleashed on an unprepared society.

Some people never recover from this. Some people get lost in the criminal justice system and never come out.  Some realize what they are doing and get help and recover.  Like any behavior change it is a lot of work and will take time, but it can be done.  It can be done with or without your parents involvement.  It requires the child’s realization that it was not them that had the problem.  They were worthy to be loved.  It requires them realizing and accepting that their parents had the problem, not them.  It requires them accepting their parents for who and what they are, imperfect as that might be.  It requires them not becoming their parents and passing this selfishness on to the next generation.   These video’s will help you to relax and get rid of those things you have no control over.   Link here for the video’s.   Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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