Healthy relationships and parenting

When I work with people who have kids with problems.  It usually involves a lack of communication between parents.  Whether you are married or divorced, You have an obligation to communicate with the person that helped to make these children you have, unless they are a child abuser or molester and there is proof that they have hurt children.

If you are divorced a healthy relationship with the other parent would entail keeping civility intact.  Not allowing your children to see that you really do not like this person.  It would involve remembering that whoever this person is, they are a part of your children so if you do not like them, you do not like your children.  That is the message you are projecting.  Half of them is this other person.  Also, keep in mind that you chose this person for some reason.  You not only chose them, but you chose to make a baby with them.  It is not their choice to be here on earth, it was yours, collectively.  It would involve not playing games with each other, just honest communication between the two of you that benefits your children.  You should also try to be on the same page as far as what is and is not okay about raising your children so they are not confused and try to manipulate you into giving them what they want.

If you are an intact family, then you need to be on the same page.  You cannot allow your children to play you.  What I mean by that is if one parent says no, then the other one has to say no also.  If your children are playing that game then you need to be hypervigilent about asking they other parent if they said it was okay before you say yes or no.  You have to be sitting down and talking about the rules in your house and then following through with them no matter what.  If for some reason those rules have to change then both of you talk about it and change them.  You have to be an unmovable, united front that your children see they cannot penetrate.  They need and deserve that security.  They look for that and if they do not get it they will act out until they get it.  They will learn, from you, to sneak behind your back and get what they want from someone else.  It will also destroy your marriage.

As parents you have to be a couple first and then parents.  You have to know and respect the other before you are a parent.  The united front you have to project comes from a mutual love and respect for the other parent and your children have to see that.  They cannot see that you are not together as parents.  They will use that to get what they want and in the process destroy your marriage. The destruction comes because they are splitting you up.  Divide and conquer.  The parent who is going behind the others back and going against whatever rules were established to side with their children against the other parent is destroying their marriage.  That will get old eventually and the marriage will end.  It takes two mature, level-headed adults to raise a child.  If there is only one mature level-headed adult doing it, you don’t have a marriage, you have someone elses child to raise.  These video’s will help you to relax and get rid of whatever ever it is getting in the way of being a couple and parents.  Link to the relaxation and guided imagery video’s.    Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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