Live in grandparents

If you are trying to raise children with a live-in grandparent(s), especially if the grandparent is helping with babysitting while you work, it becomes complicated.  Grandparents have a role to play with their grandchildren and if they are also helping to raise the child then it becomes complicate with interchangeable roles of parent / grandparent.  There is a choice here that has to be made though.

As parents you still have to be in charge of your own home.  You still have to be the one making the rules.  You still have to be the one your children see as in charge.  If that is not happening and the grandparent(s) have taken over making the rules of the house or are undermining the rules you have made, Your children are not only confused about who is in change but they will not respect the fact that they have to listen to you in your own home.  They will eventually begin to listen to whomever is saying what they want to hear.  Whomever is telling them they can do whatever it is they want to do.  You will want to stop this behavior before they get to adolescence and they are now sociopathic.  If a grandparent is living in your home and babysitting for you, then they too have to listen to the rules of your home.  If they have a room in your home, they can do whatever they want within that room because they have earned the right to do that by babysitting their grandchildren while you work.  The rest of the house is not theirs.  It is yours.  It is yours to do what you want with because you are paying the bills and have earned the right to make the rules in your own home.  If this dynamic cannot be set up then, they have to find a place of their own and you can bring your children to them for babysitting.

This dynamic is set up mostly because the grandparent(s) does/do not respect the rules that the two of you have set up, or they would help you teach your children to follow them.  They would teach your children to respect you and the rules you have set up for your home.  They are not separating out the fact that they are a guest in your home, not the home owner.  They have no rights in that home because it is not theirs, it is yours.  They do not respect you because they are still thinking of you as their child, not as a responsible adult who is taking care of themselves and them.  Even if they have an income, it is not enough for them to be living on their own apparently.  They need you, not the other way around and that is worthy of respect and the understanding that this is your home and you make the rules.  They can do anything they want within the confines of the room you have given them in exchange for babysitting.  They get to be grandparents there.  The boundaries have to be clear.   If they are not then you will see manipulation happening and the confusion, hurt and anger that you see in these cases.  You want to stop this behavior as soon as possible. Remember if you walk 4 miles into the woods, you have to walk 4 miles out of the woods and then you are tired as well.  These video’s will help you to relax while you are setting boundaries.  Link to relaxation and guided imagery video’s   Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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