The blame game

It is a natural thing for people to try to find out why something happened to them.  It is part of the process in order for it not to happen again to them.  If you don’t know why it happened, you will never be able to correct whatever your part in making it happen was, and because of that, it will happen again.  That process is trying to find the causal factors contributing to whatever happened.  It is not trying to find blame.  Finding blame is convenient for everyone if you find a person to pin all of the blame.  You don’t have to do anything, change anything, they do.  It is all their fault after all.  Doing that, does not change anything for you, the pattern will happen again and again, until you are able to face the fact that it always takes more then one person contributing to a situation to make it happen.  Even if that contribution was your doing nothing about something you saw or did nothing about it until it was too late.  If you have suffered consequences, then you have had a part in whatever happened.  It is, in part, your responsibility too.  If you change nothing, nothing will change.  The pattern will continue.  You will find yourself in this or similar situations again and again until you change whatever your contribution to this pattern might be.

Looking at ourselves is not always easy because sometimes they’re things there you might not want to know about yourself.  It is no big deal really, you are not hiding anything from anyone, but yourself.  Other people usually know this about you before you do.  They seem to like you anyway if they’re still with you.  Looking at things you do not like about yourself means you have to change something you have been doing for a while, because it has been working for you.  Maybe you don’t want to change it because it is working for you.  If it has been or has started to cause problems for you, you then have a decision to make.  Continue to use this behavior and risk loosing people in your life or change it and find another way that is not hurting yourself and/or other people.  Change is never easy and if you are autistic, you will find it almost impossible.  Change is essential to growth, however.  Change is a part of life and sometimes you have little or no control over that change.  Not wanting to change usually has to do with not wanting to find those things that are contrary to the image we have of ourselves.  We usually paint ourselves as good people.  Some of the things we need to change, we may not consider “good”.  Society as a whole may not consider good.  Forgive yourself for being human.  We are made of good and bad parts.  If we are honest about ourselves, we are changing those things that need changed.  We are all, or should be, working on changing something about ourselves.

Blaming is about looking externally for fault.  Looking for causal factors is about looking internally for your contribution.  It take courage to do so.  It is accepting ourselves good and bad alike.  Changing those things we do not like and nurturing those things we do.  It is about reteaching ourselves another way to do things.  It is about forgiving ourselves for whatever we have done or are at the present time, that we want to change.  It is about being patient while that change is happening.  It is about loving ourselves unconditionally.  It is about not judging ourselves harshly, but looking with the intent to change whatever we do not like.  It is about accepting our humanness.  It is about giving what we do not want away and letting go of our behaviors and patterns.  This guided imagery video will help.    Click here for the videos  Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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