All of us need to be loved. Unconditionally, unfettered, no holes barred, loved. You do not have to be raised in a dysfunctional home in order to need this kind of love. If there are conditions attached to love, it is not love. It is a sense of belonging to someone that usually drives us to look. All of us, whether we are raised in a functional or dysfunctional home, look for someone who feels comfortable to us, feels like home to us. They are usually a combination of our mother and father. In a functional home that is a good thing. In a dysfunctional home, it is not. You will get more of the same that you were raised with, and wanted to get away from as soon as possible. Finding someone who is comfortable is not necessarily a good idea. So, does that mean you have to be uncomfortable for the rest of your life? No. You have to make friends with the person and become comfortable with them. It will change you and what you’re looking for in a person. Writing down the characteristics of the person you are looking for will help. Writing down the characteristics of the person you don’t want, is also a good idea. You may find a mixture of both. There will be some characteristics that you cannot tolerate and you will want to be able to pick them out before you get too involved with this person. Don’t ever settle for anything less then you want. If you do, you will always be looking at the person you settled for as just that. It is not fair to them or you. Making friends takes time and effort. It does not happen over night and it does not involve sex. Like any relationship, you are drawn to the people that appeal to you physically. Making friends with this person before getting involved sexually will allow you to step back emotionally from this person. Once you have a sexual relationship with them, emotions become involved and it clouds the picture. You are no longer objective about the relationship. This happens with men and women. The person who will be able to meet all of your needs may not appeal to you physically at first. Have you ever met someone whose personality you immediately liked? Who made you laugh, who you were comfortable with right away? You may want to spend more time with them, get to know them. You may fall in love with them, even though they did not appeal to you physically at first. They will become physically attractive to you because of who they are, not what they look like. Like anything else, changing your inner love detector is not easy. It is a criteria you were raised with that you are now trying to change. You were imprinted with this criteria as a young child. It draws you to it. Writing down, knowing what it is you are looking for, will help you spot that person and avoid unnecessary encounters. It will re-imprint your love map. If you were raised in dysfunction you will be attracted to people who are like your parents and try to resolve issues you had with your parents, with that person. Again, not fair to them or you. Resolving those issues, needs to be done with your parents.(another blog) Knowing ahead of time what you’re looking for and what you will not tolerate will help you define your search. Getting rid of all of those things that used to drew you to dysfunction, that you no longer want can be helped by guided imagery. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw Enjoy!
I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist. View all posts by dtoomey2015