Instantaneous emotion

If there is instantaneous emotion related to an event or situation that has just happened,  it has more to do with what just got triggered within you then what just happened.  It will be more about what happened in the past that also caused that emotion then what just happened now.  That is because that event was unresolved and with that event comes all of the emotions that you were feeling at the time.  Resolving that event will be more about recognizing the past event and trying to resolve it within yourself and then possible with the people involved.  If for whatever the reason you cannot resolve it with them, then letting it go.  Not letting it go will mean that every time a similar event happens it will trigger those same emotions.  You will find yourself caught up in feelings that some times have nothing to do with what just happened.  You will be asking yourself “what was that about?” because the emotions may not necessarily match the event.  Look at the event,   let it go and move on .  Hanging on to it will only hurt you.  Using relaxation exercises and guided imagery will help you to do that.   Click here for the video’s.   Enjoy!

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Triggers for your Holiday

For those of us who were born into dysfunction, there can be triggers that send us back into a place in the past.  We are around those people who would rather have us be the person they once knew, then appreciate the person we have worked so hard to become.  That doesn’t have to mean we have to go there with them.  Triggers do not have to be a bad thing.  They can be a warning that something is about to happen and we need to be mindful not to fall into the same routine.  We can use them as a warning, not as a means to make us fall into the role our dysfunctional family prefers us to be.  You can back away mentally or physically if you have to and not engage n the behavior.  If you find yourself instantly angry, in tears or frustrated by what is going on in the present, I will tell you that any instant emotion has nothing to do with what just happened and everything to do with what just got triggered from your past.  Look at it and then change it.  Make these situations, opportunities for growth instead of situations you would rather avoid.  Take a deep breath, step back emotionally from the situation and relax.  Look at what this situation is teaching you. Place it in the box and give it away, it is no longer you, do not pick it up.  In some situations it was never you, it was just your families perception of you.  Here are the relaxation videos to help you relax and the guided imagery to help you give it away.  Enjoy your Holiday and your family.  Appreciate them for who and what they are, they may begin to do the same to you as well.    Link to video’s   Enjoy!

 

Loving unconditionally

Most of us want to be loved unconditionally but are not always willing to give love unconditionally.  Loving unconditionally means that no matter what they do, no matter how difficult things get you will love this person.   You may not always like what they do, but you will always love them.  No strings.  No conditions.  No yeah buts.  Loving unconditionally does not mean that you have to swallow whole whatever they’re doing. You can love them unconditionally from afar.  Like the addicted person, you may have to leave until they are in a better place.  That doesn’t mean you don’t love them, It means you can’t watch them destroy themselves any longer.  It means right now you need a break from watching the destruction.  Unconditional love still can set limits.  It can still be tough.  It can still require respect from the other.  It can still want the other person to be the best they can and encourage them to do so.  Not demand, not make threats if they do not comply with what you want, but encourage.  It is their life and their decision to make what they want with it.  If you love this person it is yours to simply love them without strings with whatever decisions they decide to make about their life.  These video’s will help you to relax and give away what is getting in the way of loving unconditionally,  of letting go of what you need to in order to love unconditionally.  Link to the video’s.     Enjoy!

Reinforcing positive behavior

If you have a child or even an adult that acts out to get attention or to try to get their point across, ignoring the behavior is often what will stop the behavior.  Again it does not happen instantly.  it takes 3 weeks to change a behavior and 3 more weeks to make that behavior a habit.  While you are ignoring the negative behavior you should be reinforcing the positive behavior.  Catch them being good.  I made an example of what I meant by this in an earlier blog, but it goes something like this:  a child who has ADHD and could not sit still for anything, even to eat, was getting worse with his behavior. The parents were only addressing the behavior when he was in trouble and needing a time out.  The end result of this was the parents were taught how to catch him being good and soon the child was being reinforced for the positive things he was doing and not the negative.  He was sitting down to eat a meal with his family and not doing negative things just to get attention.  He was doing positive things instead.

Catching them being good is not easy at first because you have usually taught them to get attention only by doing negative things.  So start small and do not expect them to do anything that you have not taught them to do.  Whatever you have yelled at, punished or otherwise given attention to, they will repeat to get attention because that is the only attention they are getting.  Stop giving it attention and give something positive your attention.  Even if it just happens for a moment, verbally praise it.  Like in the example above the child was only able to stand still for a moment but it was verbally praised and the next time he did it for a little longer, until he was sitting at the table for an entire meal talking with his family.  You can also create opportunities for your child to be good and then praise them for doing so.  You will have to be stronger than your child and not give in when the going gets tough.  Because it will get tough. They will want to continue to do what they have always done, get you to back down by being as obnoxious as they can be.

Again nothing very good happens quickly.  Nothing real happens quickly.  Remember if you have been doing this for a while, it will take a while to undo it.  I know you are tired of it, but  your child is worth the effort.  If it is an adult you will have to do some soul-searching to find out if the relationship is worth the effort put into it.  If you pray, do that, if you meditate do that.  You will have to be centered yourself to be calm enough to do this.  it will not be easy, but it is worth the effort once it is done.  You may also want to use my video on relaxation to stay calm and give away anything that is getting in the way of keeping your peace and connecting with your child.    Click here for the link to the Video’s.   enjoy!

Hanging on to memories

Remembering events in our lives is sometimes a good thing.  During the upcoming Holiday’s there may be times, with family, that “old times” are discussed.  For most of us,  these are good memories and they make us laugh and bring us closer to our families.  I have discussed in the past that using humor helps me to deal with a lot of things.  Being able to find humor, even in the bad things that have happened to us, is a healthy way of dealing with it and shows that we have healed.  That does not mean that you are making jokes about serious things at a time when someone is hurting.

If you are holding on to a memory that causes you emotional pain, let it go.  This is usually a process and does not happen overnight.  Letting go is about finding out why you are holding on to the memory.  That will mean you have to sit with the memory.  What I mean by that is, you will have to take time to be alone, quiet and allow yourself to remember whatever it is.  You will then ask yourself what this memory holds for you, what does it do for you, what purpose does it serve that you need it.  Why does it keep coming up at different times?  The answers to those questions may vary but all of the memories we have, hold a purpose or we would not keep repeating them in our heads.  This should not take a lot of time out of our day.  Only 10 to 15 minutes a day.  Set a timer if you have to do so.  Don’t go over, stop when the timer goes off.  During the day if the same memory or even different ones come up, push then out and know that you will have to give them voice later.  Then do it with the same questions. You will begin to control them and deal with them on your terms instead of having them come up whenever they happen to appear in our thoughts.  Don’t forget to set a time limit and stick to it.  These video’s will help you to relax and let go of whatever you is stopping you from moving forward.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

Gratitude

Having a feeling of gratitude sets us up for  a positive feeling to start the day as well as one to continue with during the day.  Being grateful for the things that we have as well as the things that happen to us during the day changes the way we see things.  When bad things happen, if we are thanking God for the experience and asking to learn what we need to learn from it, then we will.  If we are grumbling and complaining about what just happened then we are learning nothing.  The sooner we get to the gratitude the sooner we learn what we need to learn and move on to the next challenge.  That doesn’t mean it is easy.  We learned somewhere along the line to complain to get what we want.  We need to unlearn it and relearn the positive attitude of gratitude.  Again it will take 3 weeks of constantly catching yourself complaining, stopping it and replacing it with gratitude to stop the behavior.  It will take 3 more weeks to make that behavior a habit.  No magic pill.  Just hard work.  You will need to be able to relax while you’re learning and making mistakes.  The more mistakes the long the change will take.  Be gentle with yourself.  Here is my video to help you give it away and relax.  Link to the video’s   njoy!

 

Emotional Blackmail

Often times I have seen people hurt each other through withholding love in an attempt to get what they want.  Some men will withhold their presence in their wives lives until they get what they want. They stay away at work or with their friends until their wives or girlfriends comply with what they want.  Some women will withhold sex until they get what they want.  This is not love.  It is emotional blackmail and it has nothing to do with loving someone.  I understand that you need to stay away until the anger subsides.  But, then you talk about what happened, what angered you or hurt you.  You don’t hold out until you get your way.  I also understand that you do not want to make love to someone who you are angry with or hurt by.  So you take care of your anger in a mature manner and then you talk about what hurt or angered you.  You do not withhold anything from the person you love.  If you are, it is not love.  It is also not a healthy relationship.  We learn how to have healthy relationships from our parents.  If your parents did not have a healthy relationship then you have learned what you don’t want to do, if you want a relationship to last.  Emotional blackmail will send the other person running as far from you as they can get and you will repeat the pattern for the next generation.

Changing this happens the same way we change any behavior we do not want.  Making a conscious effort to catch ourselves doing it and stopping it.  You then replace it with a behavior that is healthier and will help your relationship, not hurt it.  Again it will take 3 weeks of practicing this and 3 more weeks to make it a habit.  These video’s will help you to relax and get rid of whatever behaviors you no longer want or are no longer working for you.  Link to the video’s   Enjoy!