Grooming

Grooming is a term used to describe what pedophiles do to get children and parents used to, comfortable with, them and what they do, before they actually molest your child.  They attempt to make themselves invaluable to you.  They become affectionate with you and your child.  They sit too close, place their hands in places on your body that make you uncomfortable at first, but you will then think “that’s just how they are”.  They will often be a valuable person in the community and you will think they are safe.  They will offer to take responsibility for your children to let you have a night off, they will become the father figure in your child’s life, usually without any sexual requests on you as a woman. You may even find that refreshing.  They will be willing to spend time and money on you and your child without any expectation of getting anything in return.  They will be a support, a rock in your time of need.  Your child will think they are wonderful at first and then will not want to go with them when they begin the molestation.  They are very good at breaking down whatever barriers have been put up.  Whatever moral code you have given to your children, they will break down and remove, make pliable so they can molest your child without too much trouble.  That usually doesn’t work for long, if you have done your job well.  Your child will become uncomfortable after the molestation begins.  The molester will then become threatening towards your child, they will get them drunk or high to lower their inhibitions so your child will not object.  If that happens your child will submit, either out of fear for themselves or their family or because they are now guilty about getting drunk or high.  They may also be addicted to whatever they are being given.  They may even initiate the contact in order to get more of whatever they are now addicted.  The molester will convince them it was and is their fault.

This kind of trauma is the worst kind of trauma whether you are a boy or girl.  It will be easier for a girl to report it than it will be for a boy.  Boys are supposed to be tough, they are supposed to somehow stop it from happening, society thinks that they probable wanted it just because they are male.  Boy’s are suppose to suck it up and deal with it.  As a society, we need to catch up with the reality of the situation.  Boys are still children.  They are as innocent as their girl counterparts.  We need to make it as easy for them to report it as we have girls, even if they are now adult males.   Molesters need to be stopped.  If it is your child, they will need trauma therapy.  This kind of trauma can be overcome with help.  It is not the end of the world for them.  They will never be what they would have been, but can be close to it.  You will begin to see glimpses of the child you knew as therapy comes to an end.  Prolonged Exposure, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (mindfulness) will change the behaviors associated with sexual abuse and grooming.  If it is your child who was molested, you will need to relax and give away all of those things you have no control over.  The link below will help you to do that.  Here is the link    Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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