Everyone, whether they have come from dysfunction or not choose their mate based on what they know. They choose a mate based on what they saw growing up, what is comfortable to them. When we come from dysfunction we do not always have a very good way of picking our mate. We often times choose people who manifest the same characteristics that of family of origin. We have no guidelines for picking someone who will actually love us unconditionally. We were never taught, neither were they. We were shown how to manipulate, control, coerce but not love. So, we choose what we know because it is uncomfortable and it does not make us uneasy. It is not good for us, does not make us happy but it is familiar and we migrate toward it because we know it, we know how to respond to it, we know what to expect from it. We do this and we may not even know that we have until it is too late. Until we are in a committed relationship, have children and have complicated our lives.
Learning to choose differently means that you have to look at all of those things that are causing pain in your life and replacing them with something new. The new behavior may be uncomfortable at first, it will take 3 weeks to change the behaviors by constantly, consciously not doing the old behavior and replacing it with the new one. The new one will them be comfortable. It will take another 3 weeks of practicing that new behavior to make it a habit. Something that you will do without thinking about ans not fall back on old behaviors during time of stress. Changing behaviors is stressful, these videos will help you to relax while you are making changes. Link to relaxation / guided imagery Enjoy!