Codependence

Codependence is a term used to describe an addiction to the addict.  It is usually the spouse or significant other of this person.  Just like the addictive person, this person is addicted to taking care of the addict.  They are addicted to this person because they are making this person the most important thing in their life. Everything else takes second place.  An addiction can be to anything not just the usual things people think of when they think of addiction.  It is anything that takes priority over everything else in your life.  It is your primary focus in life.  A codependent will protect this person from themselves and the mess ups in their life.  They make excuses for them, run interference for them, call them off sick from their jobs, pay their debts, bail them out of jail or pick them off the floor and put them in bed because they can’t do it themselves.  As long as the codependent does this for them, they will never have to do it for themselves.  They will never have to be responsible for their own behavior because they know you will be responsible for them.  An addiction is anything that takes up the majority of your time, energy, money or thoughts at the expense of everything else, including your children.  It is a pattern of behavior just like what we think of with the traditional addict.  Someone else is picking of the pieces for the codependent.  If you have children, it is them.  The codependent becomes a very angry person who resents the fact that their life and dreams have become second place to the addict.  They usually think of themselves as being generous and unselfish.  They see themselves as a martyr and resent the fact that they are.  They will usually stay until the addict explodes in their face.  Until the addict does something they cannot fix.  They will blame the addict for creating the mess and not own the fact that they have contributed to the mess.

Healing comes when there is the ability to acknowledge the role the codependent played in making the mess.  In the letting go of control and acknowledging that they are only responsible for themselves and their decisions and behaviors.  That in trying to control the addict, they have contributed to the mess that was made.  Alanon, Alateen and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) can help with this process.  It will allow the codependent to see that they are not alone and that they can take responsibility for their part in making the mess.  The codependent will also be able to gain skills to help them make better decisions concerning their addictive person.  The meetings will allow them to let go of what is not theirs to take on and take responsibility for what is.    Below is a link that will help you to relax and let go of what you cannot control and love your addict through it.

Link to video’s  Enjoy!

 

 

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Detachment

Detachment at face value seems harsh when you are talking about people you love.  When you are dealing with dysfunction, whether that be drugs, alcohol, drama or abuse your only recourse may be detachment.  Detaching from people who are lying, stealing, abusing or otherwise being selfish and creating drama in your life, detaching may be the only thing you can do to save your sanity.  Detachment does not mean you stop loving or caring about the person.  It does not mean you will stop thinking about or worrying about the person.  It means that you are no longer trying to save them from themselves.  You are allowing them to accept the responsibility for their own actions and not allowing them to take advantage of you, use you as a buffer for when they get themselves into trouble or lie to you, steal from you or cheat you.  They will have to take responsibility for what they do and will probable hit bottom sooner because you are not present to fall on and help them out of whatever they got themselves into this time.

Watching them go through whatever they will have to go through will not be easy.  It will be painful and heartbreaking.  You will want to help because it might seem easier than watching them self-destruct.  Don’t do it.  It will just start the cycle over again.  You will need a way to relax and help yourself to stay sane while you watch.  Joining Alanon, Alateen or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) will help because there are people there dealing with the same things.  You will be able to see that you are not alone.  Relaxing through the difficult times and being able to give away what is not yours to take on, will also help to put it all into perspective. It allows you to remain detached until you are able to rekindle the relationship.  That can only be when the person has stopped the behaviors that caused you to detach in the first place.  You will have to clearly set that limit in your mind because they may not remember your saying it if they were high or drunk at the time.  The videos below will help you to relax and give away what you have no control over.  Link to the videos     Enjoy!