Spend it before someone takes it

I once knew a woman who couldn’t seem to hold on to her money.  Whenever she got any, whether it was her paycheck or a win on a lottery ticket, she spent it.  It wasn’t always frivolous spending, sometimes it was necessary.  Her car would break, her children needed something for school or another problem that happens in life.  She met her bills monthly but never had anything left over to save.  She began talking to a therapist about this matter because she felt it had something to do with how she thought about money.  She was asked to talked about her childhood and the first time she ever had her own money.  Not money that her parents gave her but,  money she had earned.  She recalled her first job.  She was 14 years old and worked in a restaurant on the weekends.  Her father told her she had to start buying her own food and to not take anything out of his refrigerator unless she had bought it.  She began buying her own food and putting it in his refrigerator.  She would work long hours on the weekend and when she would come home, the food she bought was not always there,  her siblings and her mother would eat it.  She stopped putting things in her fathers refrigerator after several times trying to tell her sibling and mother that what she bought was for her to eat because she could no longer eat her fathers food.  The request went on deaf ears.  She had developed the attitude that if she didn’t eat what she had bought quickly she would not eat that day.  She was also expected to allow her siblings to borrow things from her that may never be returned or may be returned soiled or torn.  As she got older she also noticed that her younger siblings were treated differently then she had been.  They were allowed to eat out of her fathers refrigerator even though they were working too.  It was only her that could not.  When she graduated high school she decided to go to college and so she signed up for full-time classes and she worked full time also.  She had been going to school for about a year when her mother decided to leave her father.  Her mother waited to tell her father until she came home from her late night class.  Her father blamed her for this occurrence and told her to get out of his house.  She understood why her father thought it was her.  She was the only one in the family that stood up to him when he was drinking.  Her mother expected her to stop going to school and help to support her and her younger sibling.  She was expected to give up school and other things that she had.  Her other siblings were not expected to give up anything.  She did, she had no choice.  She had no where else to go.

When we examined where the idea of spend it, use it, do it before someone takes it from you come from, it led directly back to her family of origin and the fact that they did not respect her or what she had accomplished.  She was determined not to allow this to continue for the rest of her life.  She worked really hard to stop the thought process that led her to use, spend or give up what she had accomplished.  She needed to slow down her thought enough to realize what she was thinking and then to stop the thought and act in a different manner.  The first step is to relax enough to recognize the patterns in her life and to do something different.  The following link will help you to relax enough to recognize patterns that you want to change.

Here is the link   Enjoy!

The good kid

The last two blogs have been about a family that had three children.  The two older children had been molested by four of the husbands friends.  The third child was never molested because he stayed with his mother after the divorce and was not open to his fathers friends like the older two were.  He was doing well in school and continued to do so until his older sibling began to get into trouble taking their mothers attention away anf having it concentrated on the older two and not more evenly divided.  He very soon realized that the only way to get attention in these circumstances was to get into trouble.  So he stopped doing well in school, began acting out and became defiant and oppositional.  His mother still knew where he was, didn’t always like it, but knew where he was and she began to choose which arguments she would get into with him and which were better left alone.  He would spend long hours away from home and would argue, yell and mouth off at her when she would go to get him and bring him home.  He was placed in a special program in school for defiant youth.  The mother knew she was not giving him enough attention, but was usually preoccupied with her older two children, who were also getting into trouble.  The father was doing nothing to help, even though they were getting into rouble on his watch and while they were with him.  The father was busy with his new girl friend and her children.  The girlfriends children went to the same school and were a constant reminder that her children were no longer cared about by their father.  Her youngest son gave up trying to get attention from him after a science project that his father helped his girlfriends child with and not him.  The mother decided to move away after years of dealing with this scenario and asked her youngest if he wanted to move with her.  He agreed and began a new life in another state.

The youngest son had dropped out of school but  became successful in business and no longer was getting himself into trouble.  The mother resigned herself to the fact that she would continue to find out all she could about children who had been molested and childhood trauma.  Her heart still breaks for her two older children, especially her older son who is still so very affected by his trauma.  He is running away from it by drinking himself  into a stupor everyday.   She has also healed herself of the trauma of experiencing her children hurting and her husband doing nothing to protect their family except blame her for everything that was happening.  She is taking one day at a time and using relaxation exercises to help her get through the difficult moments in life that come her way.  Below is a link that will help you get through the difficult moments in your life.

Here is the link  Enjoy!

the “It girl”

There once was a girl who was called “It” by the children at her school.  All she really wanted was to be accepted and to make friends.  She never did.  Her home life was hectic because her family had moved to a rural area, far away from the friends she had known.  They had also brought a family who needed help and were living in their home until they could find a home of their own.  The girl began to not take care of herself, wet her bed, not take baths, not take care of her room, not take care of her hair.  Her mother attempted to find out why but often times only punished her because the girl was not talking about why she changed.  The change happened when the family they were helping moved into their home.  She tried to talk to her husband about this but the husband was not listening, they were his friends, not hers.  The family had 3 children, a girl and 2 boys.  They had bought a farm and were trying to work the farm, the family they were helping did not volunteer to help with chores, they benefitted from the farm taking eggs, milk and vegetables that were being grown on the farm but did not offer to help harvest anything.  It often times felt like they were not guests who should be grateful but owners of the property.  The husband acknowledged this fact but did nothing to change it.  The woman became frustrated with her husband and his lack of courage to change the situation, she was also frustrated with his lack of recognizing the change in their daughter.  They began to fight and argue with each other, making the situation worse than it already and become.  The womans suspicions were that something was going on between their daughter and the other families children.  She just didn’t know what it was and it was making things more frustrating and her husbands lack of wanting to deal with his friends became overwhelming.  Her daughter got worse the older she got.  She became defiant, promiscuous, provocative in her dress and ran away often.  The woman tried to find out what was going on with her child reading as much information as she could.  She came up with the fact that her child had been molested by someone.  She suspected the boys of her husbands friends or the husband of the family they were helping,  but she and no proof and her daughter was still not talking.

The family divorced, her daughter was 14 years old and her sons were 8 and 10 years old.   Her daughter ran away often and the husband was not keeping track of where their children were when they were with him.  He would hide himself in his computer and not concern himself with his children.  That was still her job, even when they were with him. The daughter disappeared for months at a time not telling anyone where she had been or what she had been doing.  The only thing that kept the woman from not going insane herself was prayer.  She was alone and so was her daughter, making very bad decisions for herself and her safety.

The daughter eventually found herself help and recovered from the emotional roller coaster she had been on for sometime.  She finally talked to her mother and the truth about what had been going on long ago was revealed.  She had been  molested by both of the sons of the family they were trying to help.   These sons were then telling the children at their school that she was the “It” girl.  She is an advocate for those children who have much the same symptoms she exhibited.  She has been through dialectical behavioral therapy and it helped to control her emotions.  Out of control emotions  are one of the  symptoms of molestation.

Being able to relax and talk about what has happened to you is a first step to recovering from sexual abuse, especially child sexual abuse.  Getting into trauma therapy is also a plus.  mindfulness in dialectical behavioral therapy will also help.  The link below will help you relax enough to take the first step to recovery.

Here is the link  Enjoy!

The boy under the table

There once was a boy who used to go under the table that the computers held.  He was in first grade and on a daily basis his mother was called to the school to “do something” with her child because he kept going under the table and disrupting the classroom.  The teacher was always visible angry at him and her and blamed her for not being able to control her child.  At one point she told the teacher that her son never went under tables in their house unless he was playing hide and go seek with his siblings.  She also said that her son looked afraid.  She was abruptly told that she was not cooperating with the school and no wonder her son was out of control. The mother was grew more concerned each time it happened but her son was not telling her why he was going under the table or why he was afraid.    One day her son had marks on his arms and she asked what the marks were from, she was told he hurt himself during recess.  Her son shook his head and was crying.  His face looked scared  again.  The mother said that it seemed to her that her son was going under the table to get away from something he was afraid of and if they could identify that he would stop going under the table.  She was told that it had nothing to do with him being afraid, he was being defiant.  She said that her son is not defiant at home.   they asked that he get a Psychological examination to determine what his problem might be.  The Psychologist said that he had dyslexia.  That did not explain why he was hiding under the table.  Fear of something was the only thing that explained hiding under the table and the fear she saw in his eyes.  He was given a Therapeutic Staff Support and her child stopped hiding under the table.  He also learned how to read and began to learn in school.  When the mother asked the Principal what she thought the problem really was, the Principal backed up the teacher  saying that her son was being disruptive.  It didn’t make sense.  She knew something else was going on but could not prove it.

Years later when her son was grown she asked him what really happened way back then.  He told her that the teacher was hitting  him and in order to make her stop he had to hide under the computer table.  It was the only place deep enough that she could not reach him.  He refused to come out until his mother came because then the hitting and the yelling stopped.

The mother overcame her urge to do to the teacher what was done to her son by taking deep  breaths and giving it to God.  He faith tell her God will take care of the teacher and the Principal who back up a teacher.   She should not have been teaching let alone first grade.  There are many stories like this where the child takes the blame for what the adult has done because they are to small or afraid to tell anyone what was really happening.  The link below helps to let it go and give it to God.

Here is the link

Understanding Emotions

I do not believe that there are good and bad, positive or negative emotions.  They are just emotions designed to tell us something about what we are feeling or what just happened to us.  It is what we do with them that make them good or bad, positive or negative.  It is how long we hang on to them that will tell us if we are turning them into something other than what they were designed to help us understand.  Feeling hurt, angry, sad or guilty should be telling us something about what just happened to us.  Allowing us to take a look at what that was and how it has impacted our lives.  It doesn’t make it bad or negative.  Hanging on to the emotions for years makes it bad or negative.  We will wind up in a downward spiral that will only end in more hurt and pain for us.  Looking at emotions as negative or bad will only make us push those emotions away as quickly as possible, not doing the work we need to do to see what is behind what we are feeling.  It will not allow us to resolve the feelings and therefore we are doomed to repeat that same patterns in our lives until we finally are able to resolve what is the root cause of the emotion.  Feeling angry, hurt or sad means something just happened to us that caused that emotion.  Shutting down the feeling because it is uncomfortable or we’ve been told we shouldn’t be angry, or stop feeling sad or stop crying will only allow us to stuff the feeling and repeat the pattern over and over again until it is resolved.  Feeling guilty should be telling us we just hurt someone else and need to apologize.  There are no emotions we should be feeling are inappropriate to feel.  They are what they are, signs that we should be paying attention to find out what is underneath the feeling.  We should not be ignoring it because someone has told us not to feel certain emotions.  That is bad for our emotional health.  It does not allow us to grow and learn from life’s ups and downs.  Stop hurting yourself by ignoring what was put there to help us understand ourselves better.  Slow down, take a deep breath and look at what your feeling, the stronger the emotion the more you should be looking at it.  The solutions are usually simple and direct if you are allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling.  You can also understand what is yours and what was placed on you by others.  The following link will help you relax and give away what is not yours to carry.

Here is the link

Courage and convictions

Do you remember saying to yourself when you were a child “I’m never doing that to my kid when I grow up?”.   We all have.  It is something that happens when you believe you have been treated unfairly one or both of your  parents.  Usually when we grow up we realize why our parents did whatever it was that they did and are often times grateful that they did.  Sometimes though we are not and have held on to that anger and conviction that we were treated unfairly.  Holding on to the anger usually backfires on us because we find ourselves doing the exact same thing that caused  so much anger within us to our own children.  We have not learned from whatever happened or we would still not be holding on to the anger or the conviction that we were mistreated by horrible parents.  We would have taken responsibility for whatever it was that we did.  Parents usually don’t punish us unless we deserve it.  That doesn’t mean that there aren’t parents out there that do not deserve the children they have been given.  Thank God they are not the majority of parents.  What it does mean is that we have not been taught to learn from our mistakes and that we hold on to the feeling of embarrassment, anger or fear about the situation.  You can’t learn from them if you continue to do that.  That means you have to let it go so you can move on and not stay stuck in the past.  Life is too short.  Letting go requires us to look at the situation objectively, without emotion from the past.  You will have to be able to relax and let go of what is not yours anymore.  You will then be able to see the situation clearly and decide what if anything you still need to do with it.  Often times you will see that you are the only thing that is still hanging on to it.  Letting go takes courage .  The following link will help you to let it go so you and move on with your life.

Here is the link.   Enjoy!

How do you view the problems in your life?

Each of us have different ways of dealing with the problems that come into our life.  Some of us develop anxiety over them making us immobile, some of us become angry and lash out, some want to run away and avoid them at all costs, some of us try to control the outcome and some of us confront them head.   Either way acceptance of the situation needs to be there at some level or the problem never gets resolved.  Along with the acceptance should also be a willingness to learn from this problem and gain insight into what we need to do differently so it doesn’t happen again.  Being anxious , angry, fearful about the future or even dealing with it head on does not help unless  understand why the problem happened.  It also doesn’t  help to do any of those things because it only makes it worse.  Anxiety, anger and running away only make things worse.  The problem only gets worse or it then becomes another problem because you put yourself in a position of immobility.  problems happen.  No one gets out of this world without them, dealing with them takes courage, strength and conviction.  It is not easy, nothing worthwhile ever is because that is just life.  Your attitude toward problems will either make or break you and that is totally up to you.  No one is going to force you to choose how to face the problems that come into your life but know that there will never not be problems.  Stressing about them, getting angry, or running  away is not going to help anything, including you.  Neither is making a rash decision about what is happening just to get it out-of-the-way.  Jumping in to resolve it may be acting too quickly because you don’t have all of the facts yet.  Sitting in the discomfort of the problem is not an easy thing to do but it may be necessary so you can get the full picture and be able to accept the situation and what it involves.  You will also get a good picture of what you need to change so the same thing will not happen again.  That is not possible unless you sit in the discomfort of the situation.  That cannot happen while you are anxious, angry, running away or jumping to conclusions just to get it over.  Taking a deep breath and allowing ourself to feel what there is to feel and see what there is to see objectively.  Find out what the problem is teaching you.  Life is about problems and what they can teach you.  If you are not learning from them they are bound to repeat themselves in some form or another.  The following link will help you to relax while you’re sitting in the problem so you can learn from it.

Here is the link  Enjoy!