Loving people

Loving people sounds easy to do, doesn’t it?  It seems like it would be a win / win right?  Not necessarily.  Loving is work, sometimes hard work.  Loving is a choice most of the time.  I’m not talking about sex because sex is not love.  (For another blog)  I’m talking about when the person you love has done or is doing something difficult for you to accept.  It doesn’t matter whether or not they’ve done it to you, themselves or are doing it to someone else.  It is still difficult to swallow whole.  I’m talking about those times when you think to yourself “What were you thinking?”  Or when you view them as really selfish and inconsiderate.  How do you get past those times?  How do you make the choice to still love this person and not walk away from them?  It is a choice.  It has nothing to do with how great the sex is, how much you lust after them, how great they look to you.  This is about choosing to love them without conditions.  This is about choosing to love them because you see something in them worthy of your love.  Still.  No matter what they’ve done or are doing now.  It is a choice that you make each day you wake up whether things are going well or not.  The test of your love comes when things are not going well.  When you wonder “What am I doing here?”  “Can I live with what is happening?”  “Does this person still love me or would they be doing whatever they’re doing?”  “Do I still love them or is what they’ve done make it impossible?”  Choosing to still love this person is difficult at times.  Each day you stay is a choice to love.  Each day you stay is a choice to make it work no matter what.  Love has no conditions.  There is no “I will love you only until you mess up”.  That’s a condition.  It is also unrealistic.  We all mess up.  Especially the most perfect of us who never make a mistake because that, in and of itself, is a mistake in thinking.

So, how do you choose when you are in the middle of all those negative feelings about this person you love?  You take a step back and look at the situation without the emotions involved.  You get rid of the emotion attached to the event.  some people jog, go for a walk, listen to music, exercise, watch their favorite movie, cry, punch their pillow.  Relax. What ever it takes to get rid of the feelings attached to the event(s).  You cannot look at it objectively with your emotions in high gear.  You have to disengage from them to see anything clearly.  No decisions should be made until you have done so.  Then problem solve however you do that.  Make lists of pros and cons, talk to your best friend, take a deep breath and look at how you feel now.  Is the problem still as big as it had been?  You will find that you still love this person, if your love was ever real to begin with, it is still there.  Love does not go away easily, nor does it have conditions attached to it.  If love is real it will last and the choice you make to continue loving this person in the face of difficult times will deepen it.  For both of you.  Below is a link to relaxation exercises to help you relax enough to begin the process of problem solving and getting rid of the emotions attached to the event.

Here is the link  Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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