Mothers and wives

Mothers and wives may be the same person, but,  they are 2 very different roles that one person may play in someones life.  One of the people who I have worked with in the past married his wife because he was looking for a mother.  His own mother was an alcoholic and he and his older brother raised themselves.  They were a year apart in age.  When it came time for him to marry someone he looked for someone who could nurture him, mother him.  The problem with that is she was looking for someone who could father her.  Not good reasons to marry anyone.  He also displayed symptoms of being molested.  He enjoyed drama often times creating it when it was not present.  He had a very active imagination and created problems that were not always as complicated as he made them out to be.  He relied on his wife to be the strong one and fix what ever went wrong, whether that was emotional, mental or physical.  He spent their money on the newest gadget and not on their bills.  He was not able to keep a job early in their marriage, changing jobs often because something didn’t go his way. His anger was out of control, throwing thing and breaking them,  He had cars and homes repossessed.  He would manipulate and undermine her with his family and their children.  He would allow his mother to create dissention within the ranks of his children, choosing only to take their daughter and not their sons, allowing his wife to deal with the hurt feeling of the children left behind.  He would lie, creating stories and blame her when it went wrong.  Their children began to act out and again she was blamed.  As usual their was a designated child who took the blame for everyone and came into services.  Very soon it was determined that they were not working together as a couple and suspicions that the father had been molested and was still acting out.  He was not an alcoholic or drug user but he was addicted to several things like spending too much, sex, creating drama and relationships.  They divorced and mental health services came into play when their oldest son showed signs of being molested too.  He denied that it was happening, blaming his ex-wife for making it up.  His ex-wife also suspected that their daughter has been molested too but he would not agree to being a part of the services.  She went alone with her children.  It did not help because the powers that be believed the stories that he ex had made up about her.  Her children remained un-helped and the behaviors became worse.  Her son became involved in the juvenile justice system and was sent away for how he had begun to express his anger, much the same way his father had done early on in their marriage.  He daughter did much the same things.  When she tried to express what she saw to mental health professionals, lawyers or children and youth workers she was told the only problem her children had been her.  She went to therapy for herself and her feelings were finally confirmed.  At this point her children were too old for her to make decisions for them, they were no listening to her or wanting to get help.  She watched as they spiraled out of control unable to help them.  She learned as much as she could about child sexual abuse in an attempt to understand more about what her children were going through.  Her youngest son was spared because he stopped going to see his father.  The molestation of her older son took place when he was with his father, his father didn’t care as long as his children didn’t bother him while he was on his computer.

Her daughter has gotten help for herself and her son is still acting out.  He is drinking and doing drugs and has been in and out of the justice system.  None of the men who molested them have been held accountable.  The justice system protected them and punished the child for their behavior teaching the child that it is okay to be molested but not to act out about it.  Neither one of those things are okay.  The people in charge, the adults in this failed to see what was right in front of them.  they took the easy way out and blamed the mother.  The truth is that her daughter had been molested by both of the sons of a family that they took into their home to help.  His friends not hers.  Her son had been molested by 3 of his friends, getting him drunk before they molested him.  Her son was also selling himself to get money to buy drugs for him and her youngest son.  He is still spiraling out of control.

What do you do about this?  Relax, take a deep breath, go to Al-anon, go to theapy and realize that it is up to him to get himself help at this point.  Set limits about what you will tolerate with his behavior and love him unconditionally.  The link below will help you relax and begin the process.

Here is the link    Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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