It’s not what you say…….

If you are truly interested in having people hear what you are saying, then you are careful about how you say it.  When in a discussion, argument or debate with someone, becoming hostile, aggressive or argumentative in order to make your point will defeat your purpose. The minute you begin doing any of those things the person you are debating with is no longer listening to your words.  They begin to listen/watch  your body language, facial features, eyes, gestures, tone, volume and cadence of your voice.  They are no longer listening to your words.  You are wasting your breath.  They are preparing to fight or flee your presence.  If the goal is to reach an understanding on the part everyone then you explain your point of view in a manner that does not cause people to shut down and wonder whether or not they should get as far away from you as possible.  If your goal is to win at all costs, insult, diminish, anger or put on a show then continuing to have people run away from you will not accomplish your goal either.  Eventually there will be no one to do any of those things to and you will be standing alone.  Whether you have taken either of these ways of communicating to reflect on why you are doing things the way you are ding them.  This will require a time of reflecting and change.  If you truly want people to hear your words and not run away, then you will change the way you deliver your message.  You will make sure you are not being angry, insulting or trying to win at all costs with your delivery.  You will be careful with the tone, cadence and volume of your voice.  Your words will be kind and used to help people understand without talking down to them.  It takes time to change your style of communicating.  You will need to catch yourself using the old way of communicating and change deliberately change it to the new way.  You will need to do this for 3 weeks.  You will need to take another 3 weeks of practicing this new behavior to make it a habit.  The  link below will help you to give away the old behavior and replace it with the new.

Here is the link Enjoy!


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I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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