Being put in the middle

I have written a lot about being placed in the middle.  That is because it has been done to me as well as witnessing it in others.  It destroys families.  It makes the person placed in the middle have to choose between people they have loved all of their lives and people they have chosen to love.  It usually happens with in-laws or family of origin and the person that you have chosen to love and make a family.  The people who are placing you in the middle are either not able to communicate appropriately or they lack confidence in what they are saying and themselves as well.  If someone is displeased with what is going on around them they should be able to say that to the person involved with their displeasure.  They shouldn’t need to talk to another person in order to transmit that message.  That is part of being grown up and adult.  Learning how to communicate in a way that others will listen to you is an art and if not learned can and will have people turning your words off as they come out of your mouth.  If you are sounding angry or condescending they will not listen to what you are saying, they will only listen to the anger, resentment and condescension, not your words.  Using tact with your communication, treating people like people with feelings and an intellect will allow you to understand and communicate with them so they are actually taking you seriously.  If you are speaking to someone in a manner that you would not want to be spoken to, you should change the way you are speaking.  You can even practice what you are going to say before you say it.  You can also get rid of any anger or resentment that you are feeling before you begin the conversation.  People will listen to you, no matter what you’re saying, if you say it with tact and calm. It is not what you’re saying , it’s how you’re saying it that will turn people off. The person placed in the middle of this is being hurt badly.  Having to choose between people you love because they are fighting with each other is horrendous.  It is an insane place to be and never acceptable to the person who is placed there.  The person placed in the middle will begin to resent being placed there and will usually walk away from the person placing them there.  The worst thing of all is that it can be easily resolved with a conversation between adults.  It never has to get to the point that people are no longer speaking to each other or seeing each other.  Learning how to talk to others about things that are important to you is not that difficult.  You will have to get rid of  the condescension and build your self-confidence, practice what you want to say before you say it and treat people how you want to be treated no matter how they are treating you.  The following link will help you to do that.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

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dtoomey2015

I became a therapist in an attempt to understand my own childhood and what happened there and how it made me who I am, exhibiting the behaviors that were not always positive, very often self-destructive. I used Art Therapy to help me understand things in my past that were stopping me from making better decisions in my present day. I used Behavioral Science to help me understand underlying causal factors, roots to the present day behaviors that I was seeing in myself. Both help me to change those behaviors/thoughts that were causing me to make self-destructive decisions that were causing pain in life. I have been a therapist since 1985 and have an undergraduate degree Art and behavioral science (double major) from the University of Maine. My graduate work was done at Marywood university and I have a degree in Art Therapy. I have certificates in Forensic Interviewing and Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior therapy. I have 22 out of 30 credits toward a degree in Trauma Therapy from Drexel University. I started out as a Community Support Worker, Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor, Family therapist and Outpatient therapist.

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