Respecting others

There’s a lot of talk these days about respecting women and teaching boys early to respect them.  Teaching them that they are not weaker then men and are just as important.  Teaching boys that they cannot just take what they want, but ask.  Even though I agree with that mentality, I also think that we should teach children in general to respect each other.  Teach boys to respect girls and other boys, girls to respect boys and other girls.  Teach girls to not accept the disrespect that is sometimes offered as courtesy.  Teach boys that they do not always have to be tough and that “manning up” doesn’t mean being tough, it means being responsible for their actions.  Teach girls that it is okay to have boys open doors or other respectful things without thinking they are weaker because of it. Teach boys and girls to do that for each other just because they are being courteous.  Teach boys and girls that being physically strong is not everything.  That being emotionally strong is just as important.  Teach girls that they do not need to compete with each other for a boys attention.  Teach boys and girls that they will have to earn respect from each other because of who they are,  instead of it being because they are physically stronger than someone else.  Teach boys and girls that they should be valuing  each other because of their individual character traits and not only the physical characteristics.  That being attracted to someone is just the beginning of the relationship and that the rest is very hard work sometimes, and often times a choice to continue.  Letting go of the stereotypes that we teach our children about the opposite sex and encouraging them to value each for the human qualities that we can respect in each other is a first step.  The following link will help you to let go of what is not working anymore and replace it with something new.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

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Knowing and guessing

Have you ever had someone tell you what your thinking and / or feeling?  It usually comes from someone who loves you, a family member, friend or co-worker.  Someone who is supposed to want what is best for you.  They don’t ask you what your thinking or feeling, they tell you and they are usually wrong.  It is usually the last thing that you’re thinking and feeling.  It is usually something that would never occur to you, but apparently has occurred to them.  Sometimes though, there is a friend or family member who actually hears you, asks questions or knows you well enough to let you now what they think without telling you what you are thinking.  Either way, you learn something, about yourself or the person that is telling you what you’re thinking or feeling.  You just have to figure it out.  You have to know yourself well enough to know if what you’re hearing is something you would actually think or feel.  You have to be able to reject what is being said or accept it without reservation.  You have to be able to live with whatever is being said about you.  You have to do this without anger, because anger would indicate that there is something to what is being said. If there is anger, you might want to look at why that is, why your response is an angry one.  Anger is an indication that something that was said hit a little too close to home.  Otherwise is wouldn’t have mattered, it would have been something that you thought about without any emotional response at all.  It would have been something that told you more about the person saying it, then it did about what you were actually thinking or feeling.  You would have easily dismissed it as being unimportant.  As well-intentioned as some of our loved ones are, sometimes you have to wonder if they know you at all.  Sometimes you have to love them no matter what they say or reveal about themselves and try to put on you.  You will have to let go of the fact that maybe your loved ones don’t know you as well as you thought, or they thought.  Sometimes you have to let go of the fact that you have to examine the anger that is caused by what someone else might say and figure out why you’re angry.  The following link will help you to let go of what other people think and feel and help you to concentrate on what you think and eel.

 

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Loving and letting go

When I was teenager there was a saying that went like this: “If you love someone, let them go.  If they were yours they will come back to you.”   That has often been true during my life.  The letting go has sometimes been a good thing and sometimes been very difficult.  Letting go is a process for me and for most people.  If the person you are letting go of is important to you, you love them, it will be the most difficult thing you have ever done and not a decision you will make lightly.  Part of letting go is being afraid of what comes next, fear of the unknown. Part is letting go of the love, not yours for them but, theirs for you.  Part is accepting the reasons why you feel this relationship is no longer working, or maybe has never worked.  Part is accepting the fact that you made the choice to love / trust this person and are now wondering about your judgement of people in general.  You will need to let go of all of that.  While you are looking at all of those things and accepting them for what they are, you will also be learning the lessons that come with it so you don’t do the exact same thing again.  If you can do anything about any of it, do it, if you need to apologize for anything , do it.  Then let it go.  It is easier said then done, but do it you must.  If the relationship was ever meant to be, it will come around again.  Maybe in a different form, but it will come around again.  letting go will allow you to move forward with your life.  The following link will help you to let go of what you need to be let go of in your life.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Accepting the unacceptable

A lot of the time in my profession people come into service because they are facing something that is completely unacceptable.  There life is at a standstill because they’re being asked to accept something that is unacceptable to them.  Something that is impossible for them be able to incorporate into their lives.  They think that if they accept this impossible thing that they will have to accept the actual thing that they find untenable.  Sometimes it has to do with a life choice, sometimes with something that was forced on to them by someone else, sometimes it has to do with their children.  Most of the time it has to do with something that has already happened and there is nothing they can do about any of it at this point.  Letting it go usually means accepting it as it is.  Accepting a situation for what it is, does not means that you have to accept the actual thing that happened.  It doesn’t mean you have to like it,  take it on in your life, incorporate it into your life, teach it to your children or accept anything that is degrading, untenable, hurtful, disrespectful or inhumane.  It means you have to accept the fact that it happened and then decide what you’re going to do about it.  The only acceptance that has to be done is that you face whatever it is that happened.  You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to agree with it, you don’t have to ever do it, you don’t have to incorporate it into your life.  You do need to see it clearly so you can decide what you’re going to do about it.  You will also have to let go of the fear that is keeping you at a standstill so you can move forward with your life.  You will need to let go of the fear of what comes next and maybe even some people and things that we hold dear.  The following link will help you to let go of what is keeping you at a standstill and accept only the situation for what it is, not the unacceptable.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

If that’s the only thing you know…..

If you were born into dysfunction, you may not know what you’re doing is wrong.  Or why things are not working out for you the way it does for other people.  You may be trying to figure things out without much success and becoming discouraged in your attempts.  That is because you only know those things that you were taught as a child.  You may even recognize that it is not working and that you were taught things that were not correct, but only self-serving for your family of origin.  That doesn’t mean you know what to do that will change the outcome.  You may have even tried different things because you recognized that what you were doing was not helping.  That is because, if that is the only thing you know, that is the only thing you do.  When you find another way to do things, you will then do that.  When you come from dysfunction you will only stop doing what you’re doing when it stops being effective.  When it stops working for you.  Not because you like doing it necessarily, but because that is the only thing you know, or because you may have been punished for doing it another way.  Whatever the reason, it is not working now and you are looking for another way.  Letting go of old feelings, fears or ways of doing things will leave room for new ways of doing things without the fear of someone being angry with you for not doing it their way.  You can create your own way of doing things that will work for you without the fear.  The following link will help you to  let go of what is no longer working for you, so you can replace it with something that is totally yours.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

It takes 2

Most things in this world take 2.  Trying to do anything by yourself is never much fun.  Whether what your doing is your job or something around the house that need to be done.  It is also true about relationships.  It takes 2 people to either make it work or allow it to fail.  If you are in a relationship and not nurturing it, it will die.  Yesterday I wrote about couples and the importance of making your relationship a priority without excluding your children from that relationship.  Today, it is about what you can do to nurture that relationship within a relationship or marriage.  You can’t take for granted that just because you are in a relationship or marriage that it will last forever.  It is a daily cultivation of that relationship.  Anything that is not fed, will die.  Including relationships and marriages.  The couple has to think that the relationship is more about what the other feels about them, then it is about what the other does for them.  If the only time you are kind, nice, grateful or loving toward the other is when they’ve done something for you or for the house, they will begin to think that is the only thing they are worth to you.  If you love them no matter what they do or don’t do, they will think that they are worth your loving, because of who they are, not what they do.  Taking for granted that they know this all of the time, just because you said it once, is unrealistic.  That is not nurturing the relationship.  Hundreds of things happen to us daily, not all of them good.  The couple needs to know that there is at least one person who will love them no matter what happens.  They need a safe haven to come to when they need nurturing, and we all need nurturing.  When you’re a couple you will look to the other for that nurturing from time to time.  Being there for the other, no matter what they’ve done or not done for us that week is essential for the relationship to survive in this world.  Like everything you will need to let go of something first.  Let go of the need to get what you want, when you want it.   Let go of the thought that you only treat the other part of your couple lovingly when they’re doing something for you.  Let go of the selfishness that drives those things.  The following link will help you to let go and replace it with something nurturing.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Couples

When you have children, the fact that you were first a couple, gets lost in the business of life sometimes.   As a couple with children, you have to be on the same page raising them.  One can’t be doing one thing and the other doing another or the children will not only be confused about what is right and wrong to do, but will use the confusion to manipulate the situation, and you, to get what they want.  You will wind up fighting with each other and forgetting about what started it.  Being on the same page about how to raise the kids and about every other issue that comes up during a life time is essential to remaining a couple.  If this person is your best friend, partner, confident, someone to laugh with, cry with and lover, than you are talking with them a lot and should be talking about those things that make you a couple, including your kids.  You also have to make time for yourselves as a couple.  It does not have to be an expensive date, it can be a movie at home after the kids have gone to bed.  It is essential that you remain the couple you were before the kids came. Even though you may mature emotionally, mentally and physically, you need to remain the loving couple you started out to be.  That connection should grow with you. Life has a lot of challenges and facing them as a couple makes them a little easier.  Keeping that bond with the other person in your couple makes life sweeter.  That does not mean that you ignore the kids for the sake of remaining a couple, once you have kids they are a priority, not you.  It means that you make sure your relationship with the other person in your couple is on the same page and alright with everything that is happening.  It means that being a couple comes first, then being parents.  If you are not a couple, being a parent will be almost impossible because you will not be thinking about talking with them before you make a move or decision.  The other person in your couple should be your first thought, no matter what decision needs to be made.  It will affect them, they need to know and agree or at least share their thoughts about it before making a decision that will affect both of you.  If you are unwilling to do that, you have already decided that you are not a couple and should leave before doing any more emotional damage to yourself and the other person.  If you are a couple, it is a reasonable expectation to believe that the other person in that couple will be talking to you before they make a decision that effects your life or the life of your children.  As with everything, you will need to let go of the fact that you are not alone in your decision-making.  That your decisions impact another human being and they need to know about it before you act on it.  That being a couple means you love this person enough to want to know their opinions and reach a compromise that both of you can live with for now or always, especially if it involves your children.  It means that you will have to let go of yourself and be a couple, while still keeping yourself within that couple.  You should still be able to grow as an individual as well as a couple.  You will have a lifetime cheerleader for your endeavours as well as be one for the other.

Here is the link. Enjoy!