Emotional blackmail

Often times I have seen people hurt each other through withholding love in an attempt to get what they want.  Some men will withhold their presence in their wives lives until they get what they want. They stay away at work or with their friends until their wives or girlfriends comply with what they want.  Some women will withhold sex until they get what they want.  This is not love.  It is emotional blackmail and it has nothing to do with loving someone.  I understand that you need to stay away until the anger subsides.  But, then you talk about what happened, what angered you or hurt you.  You don’t hold out until you get your way.  I also understand that you do not want to make love to someone who you are angry with or hurt by.  So you take care of your anger in a mature manner and then you talk about what hurt or angered you.  You do not withhold anything from the person you love.  If you are, it is not love.  It is also not a healthy relationship.  We learn how to have healthy relationships from our parents.  If your parents did not have a healthy relationship then you have learned what you don’t want to do, if you want a relationship to last.  Emotional blackmail will send the other person running as far from you as they can get and you will repeat the pattern for the next generation.

Changing this happens the same way we change any behavior we do not want.  Making a conscious effort to catch ourselves doing it and stopping it.  You then replace it with a behavior that is healthier and will help your relationship, not hurt it.  Again it will take 3 weeks of practicing this and 3 more weeks to make it a habit.  These video’s will help you to relax and gt rid of whatever behaviors you no longer want or are no longer working for you.  Link to the video’s   Enjoy!

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Detachment

I have recently met with a family that was dealing with a member of their family that was using drugs and alcohol to cope with his molestation as a child.  This family member was their child.  The child was grown and had been making decisions for himself for a long while.  The parents were still trying to save him from himself and failing.  He was not ready to be saved.  He did not want to be saved.  It is difficult, as a parent, to watch your child slowly kill himself, and this child certainly was doing just that.  He was drunk and / or high most of the time.  He was stealing and cheating people to get money for the drugs and alcohol, including from his parents.  He was unable to hold or keep a job and living off his parents.  They were not setting very good limits with him and he was taking advantage of that fact.  They were feeling guilty because they did not save him from being molested.  They were not making their son responsible for his actions or in actions.  Their son was learning nothing except how to manipulate people.  They were remembering their little boy, who was happy and doing well.  The little boy before the molestation.  The one that did well in school, the one who was happy and respectful to everyone.  The one who was outgoing and open.  The one who did not take drugs to forget being molested.  They could not accept the fact that their child had changed and they would never see that child again.  He would never be what he would have been, if left alone and not molested.  What they needed to accept was that they were enabling him to be the person he had become.  That even though he will never be the person he would have been before the molestation, he can still be a good person, a person who does not use drugs and alcohol to cope.  He could help others who have experienced the same thing he has and to learn to  cope in different ways. They had to start setting limits with him and allow him to take responsibility for what he was doing with his life.  They would have to watch him hit bottom as often as it would take for him actually see what he was doing to himself.  To take responsibility for what he was doing to himself.  As in so many things in this world, you have to let go of those things that are causing you pain and replace them with things that will help you get past what is hurting you.  Drugs and alcohol will not help you get past anything, they will only help you to wallow in the pain.  The following link will help you to let of what is no longer working for you and relax while you’re doing it.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Betrayal

Betrayal is something that is very difficult to overcome because it destroys trust in the person or people who have betrayed you.  It seems to be a pattern in some people’s lives however, and this stops them from having relationships on a deeper level. The fear of being betrayed again can stop us from ever having anything more than superficial relationships.  They can be friendly even humorous but superficial because the person who has been betrayed will not let you in too deeply for fear that you will betray them too.   There will always be a wall between you, to protect them from you. Betrayal is painful, you were hurt by someone you trusted enough to let get close to you, know your secrets, things you never told anyone else.  Betrayal is unexpected and usually shocks the person who was betrayed because they were not on guard around this person, they didn’t think they had to have their defenses up around this person.

Healing the person means rebuilding the ability to trust people and dealing with the original betrayal.  You will need to examine what happened again and what went wrong.  You will also have to learn to separate this person from the rest of the world.  Not everyone is going to betray you.  Hanging on to this, is only holding you back from finding a relationship with someone you can trust and will not betray you.  You will need to take baby steps toward confiding in someone again.  Confide something small at first and if you feel that nothing bad has happened with the information or they haven’t gone screaming from the building with whatever you told them, you can try something more serious.  Eventually you will be confiding things that you have never told anyone or things you haven’t told anyone for a while.  This is not going to happen over night.  Everything I write about takes time, there is no instant cure or pill, just hard work, emotional work.

Most of the rebuilding will be around trusting yourself and your judgment again.  Most people who have been betrayed are angry at themselves for not seeing it ahead of time, not knowing this person better, not paying attention to the subtle cues that were happening or just plain not thinking you were smart enough to figure it out before hand.  None of those things are correct.  People who betray you do it all of the time to others.  It is their thing, not yours.  Forgiving yourself is important to your healing.  You would not have seen anything anyway until it would have been too late to do anything about it.  People who betray others are good at doing it and would not have given off too many cues about what they were doing, only ones you would have seen in hindsight.   Forgive yourself for not seeing it before you were hurt.  You did not deserve it, be grateful that your mind does not work like theirs, it is a lonely place to be.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

 

Leaving the past in the past

Whether you are talking about someone who cannot forget certain things about their past or you are talking about someone who brings up everything you have ever done in the past every time you are arguing with them, it serves no purpose except to incite.  Incite anger, fear, tears, remorse, regret, grief  or sadness.  Things in the past should stay in the past unless they are unresolved.  They then should be brought up to look at in order to see what went wrong so you don’t repeat it.  You should not be dwelling on it, that is an indication that you are not learning anything from the experience, you are wallowing in it.  Feeling sorry for yourself.  If that is where you want to stay, good luck to you in your lie.  If not, take a good long hard look at what you keep going back to and find the parts that you can change and let go of the parts that you can’t.  If you are arguing with someone and they keep bringing up everything you have ever done, that indicates that some of the things are unresolved.  Resolve them and move on.  Resolving things requires the same process.  Looking at those things and fixing what you can and letting go of those things you may have to accept about the person.  If you are in a relationship with them, chances are you love this person and at some point decided to either move in with them or marry them.  Trying to change them now is not okay.  You loved the person enough to move in or marry them, you loved everything about them.  changing them after the fact is too late.  They will change if and when they want to change, setting up limits with them, making conditions attached to whether you love them or not makes no sense.  You married them with all of those things you are trying to change now, which means you accepted them at some point.  Making them change just because you changed isn’t going to work.  They will resent you for even trying.  Leaving the past in the past requires looking at what you keep dwelling on and changing those things you can and accepting those things you cannot.  If there are things you cannot accept, then it is time to make a choice about whether you want to stay in the relationship.  If it is things from childhood, the same thing applies, looking at it and changing what you can and letting go of what you can’t.  the following link will help you to do just hat

Here is the link. Enjoy!

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Have you even know someone who no matter what you do, it is not good enough.  Have you ever known someone whose perception of you is not you at all, or maybe even has a little of you and the rest is their thoughts about you?  Have you ever struggled to change that perception and let them see the real you and failed?  Not because you didn’t try hard enough, but, because they wouldn’t see what you were trying to do?  They needed you to stay the way you were, so no matter what you did, it wouldn’t have mattered.  Their perception of you has to be what they thought and not what you are.  Trying to change their perception is like trying to move a boulder uphill by yourself.  It probable won’t happen unless you have super human powers.  Being yourself, no matter what others think you are is not always easy and almost impossible when you do not have a lot of confidence in your own abilities.  When you come from dysfunction, you are already basing what you think of yourself  by others perceptions.  Finding out who you are without others telling you who that might be requires taking a good hard look inside.  throwing out what you don’t want or like and keeping those things that are working for you.  Do not throw everything away, some of the things that you learned in the dysfunction have made you a stronger person, kinder person, more understanding person.  You will want to keep those qualities.  The link below will help you get rid of those things that you don’t want any longer.

what do you see

when you look at me

dutiful daughter, mother, wife

do I fit the mold

you’ve made for me

or am I not what you expect

me to be

do I change and grow

and when I do

why can’t you rejoice with me

why must I crawl into your mold

and fit your perception of me

in order that you love me

can we be different

without being threatened

by that difference

and is it really me you love

or is it who you want me to be

and how long will I be satisfied

with the me you made for me

Here is the link! Enjoy!

Missing people you love

I have had a lot of  people who have left my life for one reason or another.  Some because I have moved, some because they have.  Some because they have died and some because they were toxic for me to continue the relationship.  Some because they didn’t like what I said and left me.  Sometimes I didn’t miss them at all and were glad they were gone.  Sometimes I missed them a lot.  Today is my oldest son’s birthday and I miss him a lot.  I grieve his loss in my life.  Not everyday, but mostly on day’s like this.  I grieve the person he would have been and the person he at one time was.  I miss that person, I miss my son.  There is still some anger with the grief, because it could have been prevented if someone was paying attention.  Even that though, is subsiding.  There is nothing I can do to get him back, he is not going to magically reappear in my life.  My son is gone.  I have talked about using the word loss with grieving.  The word indicates that there is a chance that you will find them somewhere, I won’t.  The love for him has not stopped and it never will.  I will grieve him until I see him again.  I love you son, that will not stop just because we can not be together.  I have been giving away what I cannot control.  I have been giving away the anger that I feel and the sorrow.  I do not want the weight of the anger or the sorrow.  The following video has help me and it will you as well.

Here is the link, Enjoy!

Fear

People who have been abused, neglected or come from dysfunction often times live either in fear or with fear until they deal with the reason for the fear.  Fear is not from God and so if you are living in fear,  prayer will help you not to fear anymore.  So will allowing yourself  to look  at the reasons behind the fear. I also understand that people who have been abused, neglected or come from dysfunction often times will have difficulty believing in a God who would allow that to happen.   The problem with that logic is that God gave us free will and God has nothing to do with us abusing, neglecting or molesting each other.  He has told us how to live our lives so we do not hurt each other.  It is us who misinterpret either on purpose or through misunderstanding, each other.  Pride, arrogance, selfishness, greed all play a part in what we do or do not do to each other.

Religion and faith in a loving God can be two different things.  I have witnessed people who will wave their bibles at you and profess a loving God and then talk about you or your religion in hateful terms, preach it from the pulpit.  This is not how God works, this is how people work.  God loves everyone, no matter what.  God forgives, no matter what.  It is people that do not.

Fear is usually based in the unknown.  Not knowing what will happen next and thinking that history will repeat itself.  Feeling like we are trapped in the situation with no way out of it and feeling sometimes like we deserve no better than what is happening to us.  The truth is that fear controls our lives because we allow it  to do so.  It is a matter of letting it go and moving on with our lives.  Guided imagery will help you to relax and let go of what is no longer working in your life..  The link below will help you to let go and relax while you are doing it.

Link to the video’s   Enjoy!