The Pendulum swing

Whenever something catastrophic happens in this country, like school shootings, we begin to make decision based on the exact opposite of what the catastrophe might have been.  The opinion of people who are effected are emotional ones and have little to do with common sense.  They are based on the fact that their loved one has been hurt or died and nothing has been done to stop it.  The solution to school shooting is not to get rid of all of the guns, that’s impossible, it didn’t work with prohibition, it won’t work now.  The solution is somewhere in the middle between taking all of the guns away and allowing just anyone to have one.  One of the first places funds are cut when the government needs to balance the budget is mental health.  The last 10 years I worked for an agency in the mental health field, there were no raises because costs had gone up and no more money was coming in to the agency. They stay open on the backs of their workers, therapist are not in the field for the money they will make.  There is no expectation that they will get rich being a therapist. It also has gotten harder to meet the criteria for getting services for the mentally ill.  We do not care about the mentally ill until they hit the news.  I have to wonder if we care about our children because this problem with children getting shot at school should have been solved after Columbine.  It wasn’t, it’s still happening.  We make it mandatory for them to go to school and then we don’t protect them while they are there.  We should be ashamed of ourselves, but we don’t seem to be or we would have done something about this problem already.  Allowing just anyone to have a gun is ludicrous.  If you treat the mentally ill, monitor them, they will get better and you won’t have them shooting people.  There are some mental health issues that need to be monitored all of the time because these people will begin to feel better with mediation and then stop taking the medication because of the side effects, thinking that they’re better and don’t need it anymore.  We closed the mental hospitals because they are too expensive to keep open, we are now placing the mentally ill in jail, it is a for profit business.  I choose not to think that is the reason.  I also choose to think that we really do care about our children but for some reason might think it will not happen to us, to our children, here in the school they go to, wrong.  It can and does happen anywhere.  The solution to this problem is somewhere in the middle between trying to get rid of all of the guns and giving any gun to anyone.  The solution is somewhere in the middle between cutting funds for the mentally ill and throwing them in jail instead and a non-existent health care system for the people who need it the most.  The solution is somewhere in between ignoring the child who tells a teacher that they are being bullied because they didn’t see it happening, especially after the second or third time the complaint has been filed concerning the same children and punishing someone before you have all of the facts just because the child involved is a known trouble maker, we know that is not always the case.  Children are known to manipulate you if you let them, they will and have played the blame game with their peers that already have a reputation for getting into trouble.  I have worked with some of those children and not everything that they are accused of doing, they’ve done.  They don’t say anything because they know they won’t be believed.  All of these things cause anger within people and all of these things could be resolved if we can get to the point where we are not placing blame and pointing fingers but trying to understand where the other is coming from and removing from power those people who are not willing to work on a solution.  That should be with any of the problems this country might have, we are supposed to be in charge of them, not the other way around.  It is unconscionable to make children by law go to school and then not protect them while they are there.  Set them up to be bullied, hurt or killed with the expectation that they will be able to resolve the problems they encounter by themselves, they won’t, they’re kids, their not suppose to be able to do that yet.  That’s why they have adults in their lives.  Not just parents either, any adult that they encounter should be able to protect them in any way necessary.  Not just from guns, from anything emotional, mental, physical, sexual that might happen to them while in your care.  The following link will help you to relax while you think of solutions to these problems and then find ways to implement them.

Here is the link. Enjoy!



There is a lot of talk these days about speaking your truth.  A lawyer, prosecutor, Judge, Jury or law enforcement officer might tell you that there is only one truth.  If they’re being honest they will acknowledge that even eye-witness testimony will tell you that is wrong.  You can have 10 eye witnesses to an event and 10 differing testimonies as to what happened, each one being slightly different.  We all see things colored by our own experiences.  We’re not lying, we honestly believe that what we’re saying is the truth.  It is the truth colored by our life experiences and what was going on in our brains at the time the event happened.  What our brains do not understand, it will fill in so that it will make sense for us.  So that we can file it away in our long-term memory and forget about it until we want to retrieve it.  It’s not a lie, it’s the way we humans work.  As time goes by the memory may even change, depending upon new information or understanding of the event. If we were afraid during the event, we mat have even blocked out certain scary parts until we are emotionally ready to handle them.  There are many truths, not just one universal one.  Yours is as important as anyone else’s.  Speaking your truth, no matter what that might be, is of value. Even if it differs from someone else.  You can only say what you know to be true and that has to be enough.  Unless you are deliberately lying about something, do not worry about something you have no control over and will never have control over.  You will have to let go of needing others to like you, agree with you, thank you, appreciate you or the fact that you may be called you a liar.  The following link will help you to let go of those things that have nothing to do with truth or your speaking it.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Learning the hard way

Have you ever thought to yourself. or said out loud, that you wished your children could learn from your mistakes?  Have you wished that they would not have to go through the pain that you went through, make the mistakes you made, lived the life you did so they would avoid the pain that you went through?  Most kids, people don’t learn that way.  They learn by experiencing their own life, mistakes and all.  If we learned from others mistakes, we wouldn’t be in the situation(s) this world is in right now, right?  We would have already learned from history and not repeated it, right?  But we don’t learn from each other or even history.  We learn from our own experience, our own mistakes.  We repeat them over and over throughout the generations because we have to experience it ourselves.  We don’t believe anyone else’s experiences is exactly like ours or that we will do it exactly like they did.  We will not end up in the same position they found themselves in because we’re different from them, smarter than them or somehow we will not wind up like they did.  We think that despite the fact that others before us have thought the same thing and lost.  Eventually we learn that, often times it is too late and we’ve already lost more than we thought we would.  You can guide kids though.  You can set the example you want them to live.  You can teach them about making mistakes and learning from them.  You can teach them that mistakes are just part of the journey part of life and living.  You can teach them how to stand back up and try again after they fall.  You can teach them to let go of the arrogance that tells us, we are not them, because we are them.  The following link will help you to let go of what is stopping you from learning from yours and others mistake.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is primarily a female diagnosis even though males exhibit symptoms.  It is a direct result of having been sexually molested or raped as a child.  The symptoms are rages, cutting, addiction, not being able to hold or keep a job, criminality, flashbacks of the molestation or rape, triggers directly related to the event(s), night terrors, running away from home, school and community, prostituting themselves, early police involvement for assaults,  drinking drug use or possession and prostitution.  They often times do not remember the molestation or rape depending upon how violent and how young they were at the time.  So when asked if they were molested or raped, they will answer “No”, not because they are lying, but because they don’t remember.  If you have a friend or loved one who makes your head spin and wonder what just happened when you talk with them, you are probable dealing with someone who was molested or raped as a child.

When I first began doing therapy, BPD was thought to be a result of having been raised by a cold, indifferent mother,  a lot of thing were blamed on the mothers back then.  Thank God we’ve learned a few things.  It is difficult to treat BPD due to the fact that the person often times does not remember the event(s) and so does not seek treatment, often times winding up in jail or mental hospitals.  Males who exhibit symptoms of BPD will not report it because our society is not ready for men to report being molested or raped as a child if you’re male.  We somehow expect this male child to be able to take care of himself.  He will wind up in jail, usually repeatedly for assaults, drinking and drugging or possession or prostitution.  Both males and females can be arrested for stealing or shoplifting.  They will selling the merchandise or themselves to support their habit.

If you are exhibiting any or all of these symptoms, please find a Trauma Therapist.  Any other therapist, as well-intentioned as they will be, does not know about trauma and can make the symptoms worse than they already might be and re-traumatize you.  They will be governed by an insurance company that will give you 6 sessions and that is not enough for you to remember something that you’ve been burying for decades.  The following link will help you to let go of those things that are no longer helping you and allow you to relax enough to find another way.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Intermittent Explosive Disorder and PTSD

Most of the people who are diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED are men.  Men whose anger explodes for no apparent reason.  Men who don’t seem able to control their temper.  Men who seem to lose their temper over small unimportant things.  Men who do not seem to be able to explain why they do, either.  Who after the fact will recognize that the end did not justify the means, but it’s too late afterwards.  Men who will not be able to put together why they got anger with what triggered it.  Men who will not talk about or admit that they have experienced trauma and have flashbacks nightmares and triggers from the trauma, that they do not recognize on a conscious level, but their unconscious mind does.  Men who should be diagnosed with PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder because they’ve been molested or raped as children.  They either do not remember it or will not talk about it because they’re supposed to be able to deal with it because they’re men .  In this society men are supposed to suck it up and deal with anything, except their emotions.  Their emotions they’re supposed to ignore and pretend aren’t there.  Emotion seems to be for women only, except anger.  Anger is allowed in men.  Men are not supposed to talk about being molested or raped by anyone, even when it happened when they were boys.  They are supposed to be strong and able to defend themselves, no mater what or how old they are at the time.  So men do not talk about the molestation or rape and usually wind up in jail for DUI’s, assault charges or even murder or attempted murder.  No one seems to recognize the symptoms because these men do not talk about what happened to them when they were little boys.  They are diagnosed with IED because no one can explain it any other way.  They are then medicated with some drug that will keep them calm and under control but does not deal with the underlying causal factor.  So the cycle will continue until someone talks about the fact that they were molested or raped as children.  Medication alone will never get rid of the anger and rage that comes from being molested or raped as a child.  The triggers will not go away until you face them and deal with them.  It will not matter how drugged up or drunk you make yourself, they will continue to get you into trouble because they lower your impulse control, your ability to control something that is already out of your control because you don’t even know what the triggers are until you face them.  You can’t face them unless you talk about it and deal with the fact that you were molested and / or raped as a child.  There are wonderful therapist that are trained in trauma therapy that can help you, please find one that you’re comfortable with and can talk.   The following link will help to relax you and get rid of those things that are causing you pain.


Here is he link. Enjoy!

Autism and sociopaths

There is a lot of talk about sociopaths these days, mostly in reference to politicians.  A sociopath is someone who has empathy, who knows exactly what they are doing and how it will effect/affect others.  They just don’t care.  They will work behind the scenes and wreak havoc in everyone’s life.  You will not see them coming.  They will be nice to your face and still be working behind your back to destroy whatever your working on in order to get what they want.  If you get between them and what they want, whether you realize it or not. you will find yourself flat on your face and not know how you got there.  They will make it look like it’s your fault, like you deserved it.  You did, you got in their way. They will play games with your mind and emotions until you are doubting yourself and your decisions.  They will not only think about what they’re doing, but will plot against you.  They will not care how it makes you feel even though they know exactly how it does make you feel,  because it will always be your fault and they will never take responsibility

Someone who is autistic does not have empathy.  They understand things only with the information that they feel, how whatever it is makes them feel.  They do not know how it will make you feel.  They have no filter in their frontal lobe and will blurt out anything that comes into their head.  They will act upon anything that comes into their head.  They do not understand that whatever that is may have consequences.  They do not understand what come next, they do not understand that if they say something inappropriate, it may have consequences.  Not so good consequences.  They will not understand that until those consequences happen and it is too late to take it back or think about it.  They will not think about things before they act on them, often times getting themselves into trouble.  They do not understand that they may have just insulted you because to them they were just saying what they thought.  They were just expressing their opinion.  Even though they are usually highly intelligent, they have no common sense.  There are differing degrees of autism, from highly functioning, what used to be called Aspergers to profound that usually has other problems with it.   Either way they do not think before the respond, they just respond.

Most of us have a lot of things that go through our minds  everyday.  Most of us have a filter through which those things flow.  A filter that allows us to choose which things we will act upon or say and which things we will keep to ourselves.  A filter that allows us to think before we respond.  Most of us care whether or not we’ve hurt another person with what we’ve said or done.  Most of us will stop ourselves from saying or doing things that are inappropriate and hurting others with our actions or comments.  Most of us will not plot behind someone;s back to destroy them without caring whether or not we’ve done so.  There is nothing any of us can do about what the other person is saying or doing, we can only hold them accountable for their actions and words, like everyone else in the universe.  Hopefully we will all learn from what has happened and strive to not do it again.  The following link will hep you to relax while you are letting go of those things other people say or do without thought for you or others.

Here is the link. Enjoy!  

Loving and not liking

We can love a lot of people.  We can love them in different ways.  We love our parents, whether they were good parents or not.  We love our siblings, whether they are good to us or not.  We can love our spouse, partner, children, friends, neighbors or church community.  We don’t always like them, what they do or who they are at times.  There is a separation between loving someone and liking everything that they do.  It is possible to love someone with all of your heart and not like them because of what they are doing to you or the other people in their lives.  This happens a lot when you’re dealing with dysfunction. You will love the person for who they were before the dysfunction began, love them for the person they  would have been if they did not become dysfunctional.  You don’t have to like the fact that they are stealing things from you to hock for money to buy their addictive substance or thing.  You don’t have to like the fact that  they create drama or lie to you or try to manipulate you into giving them money.  It is also okay to love them without conditions.  It is okay to put distance between you and them to save them from themselves or to stop yourself from enabling them.  Like all things you will have to let go of the fear of losing them.  You’ve already lost them, they are not themselves nor will they be if they continue to be dysfunctional.  They will not find themselves, hit their bottom or know that they need to change if someone is there catching them or saving them from their mistakes or poor choices.  You cannot save them and it is okay if you love them from a distance and not like what they are doing to themselves, others or you.  Letting go is never easy especially if you love someone.  The following link will help you to let go of those thing that are no longer working for you or them.

Here is the link. Enjoy!