Accepting the unacceptable

A lot of the time in my profession people come into service because they are facing something that is completely unacceptable.  There life is at a standstill because they’re being asked to accept something that is unacceptable to them.  Something that is impossible for them be able to incorporate into their lives.  They think that if they accept this impossible thing that they will have to accept the actual thing that they find untenable.  Sometimes it has to do with a life choice, sometimes with something that was forced on to them by someone else, sometimes it has to do with their children.  Most of the time it has to do with something that has already happened and there is nothing they can do about any of it at this point.  Letting it go usually means accepting it as it is.  Accepting a situation for what it is, does not means that you have to accept the actual thing that happened.  It doesn’t mean you have to like it,  take it on in your life, incorporate it into your life, teach it to your children or accept anything that is degrading, untenable, hurtful, disrespectful or inhumane.  It means you have to accept the fact that it happened and then decide what you’re going to do about it.  The only acceptance that has to be done is that you face whatever it is that happened.  You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to agree with it, you don’t have to ever do it, you don’t have to incorporate it into your life.  You do need to see it clearly so you can decide what you’re going to do about it.  You will also have to let go of the fear that is keeping you at a standstill so you can move forward with your life.  You will need to let go of the fear of what comes next and maybe even some people and things that we hold dear.  The following link will help you to let go of what is keeping you at a standstill and accept only the situation for what it is, not the unacceptable.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

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If that’s the only thing you know…..

If you were born into dysfunction, you may not know what you’re doing is wrong.  Or why things are not working out for you the way it does for other people.  You may be trying to figure things out without much success and becoming discouraged in your attempts.  That is because you only know those things that you were taught as a child.  You may even recognize that it is not working and that you were taught things that were not correct, but only self-serving for your family of origin.  That doesn’t mean you know what to do that will change the outcome.  You may have even tried different things because you recognized that what you were doing was not helping.  That is because, if that is the only thing you know, that is the only thing you do.  When you find another way to do things, you will then do that.  When you come from dysfunction you will only stop doing what you’re doing when it stops being effective.  When it stops working for you.  Not because you like doing it necessarily, but because that is the only thing you know, or because you may have been punished for doing it another way.  Whatever the reason, it is not working now and you are looking for another way.  Letting go of old feelings, fears or ways of doing things will leave room for new ways of doing things without the fear of someone being angry with you for not doing it their way.  You can create your own way of doing things that will work for you without the fear.  The following link will help you to  let go of what is no longer working for you, so you can replace it with something that is totally yours.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

It takes 2

Most things in this world take 2.  Trying to do anything by yourself is never much fun.  Whether what your doing is your job or something around the house that need to be done.  It is also true about relationships.  It takes 2 people to either make it work or allow it to fail.  If you are in a relationship and not nurturing it, it will die.  Yesterday I wrote about couples and the importance of making your relationship a priority without excluding your children from that relationship.  Today, it is about what you can do to nurture that relationship within a relationship or marriage.  You can’t take for granted that just because you are in a relationship or marriage that it will last forever.  It is a daily cultivation of that relationship.  Anything that is not fed, will die.  Including relationships and marriages.  The couple has to think that the relationship is more about what the other feels about them, then it is about what the other does for them.  If the only time you are kind, nice, grateful or loving toward the other is when they’ve done something for you or for the house, they will begin to think that is the only thing they are worth to you.  If you love them no matter what they do or don’t do, they will think that they are worth your loving, because of who they are, not what they do.  Taking for granted that they know this all of the time, just because you said it once, is unrealistic.  That is not nurturing the relationship.  Hundreds of things happen to us daily, not all of them good.  The couple needs to know that there is at least one person who will love them no matter what happens.  They need a safe haven to come to when they need nurturing, and we all need nurturing.  When you’re a couple you will look to the other for that nurturing from time to time.  Being there for the other, no matter what they’ve done or not done for us that week is essential for the relationship to survive in this world.  Like everything you will need to let go of something first.  Let go of the need to get what you want, when you want it.   Let go of the thought that you only treat the other part of your couple lovingly when they’re doing something for you.  Let go of the selfishness that drives those things.  The following link will help you to let go and replace it with something nurturing.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Couples

When you have children, the fact that you were first a couple, gets lost in the business of life sometimes.   As a couple with children, you have to be on the same page raising them.  One can’t be doing one thing and the other doing another or the children will not only be confused about what is right and wrong to do, but will use the confusion to manipulate the situation, and you, to get what they want.  You will wind up fighting with each other and forgetting about what started it.  Being on the same page about how to raise the kids and about every other issue that comes up during a life time is essential to remaining a couple.  If this person is your best friend, partner, confident, someone to laugh with, cry with and lover, than you are talking with them a lot and should be talking about those things that make you a couple, including your kids.  You also have to make time for yourselves as a couple.  It does not have to be an expensive date, it can be a movie at home after the kids have gone to bed.  It is essential that you remain the couple you were before the kids came. Even though you may mature emotionally, mentally and physically, you need to remain the loving couple you started out to be.  That connection should grow with you. Life has a lot of challenges and facing them as a couple makes them a little easier.  Keeping that bond with the other person in your couple makes life sweeter.  That does not mean that you ignore the kids for the sake of remaining a couple, once you have kids they are a priority, not you.  It means that you make sure your relationship with the other person in your couple is on the same page and alright with everything that is happening.  It means that being a couple comes first, then being parents.  If you are not a couple, being a parent will be almost impossible because you will not be thinking about talking with them before you make a move or decision.  The other person in your couple should be your first thought, no matter what decision needs to be made.  It will affect them, they need to know and agree or at least share their thoughts about it before making a decision that will affect both of you.  If you are unwilling to do that, you have already decided that you are not a couple and should leave before doing any more emotional damage to yourself and the other person.  If you are a couple, it is a reasonable expectation to believe that the other person in that couple will be talking to you before they make a decision that effects your life or the life of your children.  As with everything, you will need to let go of the fact that you are not alone in your decision-making.  That your decisions impact another human being and they need to know about it before you act on it.  That being a couple means you love this person enough to want to know their opinions and reach a compromise that both of you can live with for now or always, especially if it involves your children.  It means that you will have to let go of yourself and be a couple, while still keeping yourself within that couple.  You should still be able to grow as an individual as well as a couple.  You will have a lifetime cheerleader for your endeavours as well as be one for the other.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Keeping your balance

When you have a family, whether that family is still young or fully grown, keeping balance is not that easy.  Being in balance means that you are having enough time for your family as well as yourself and any other responsibilities you might have.  In today’s world that is easier said than done.  It is necessary though if you want to feel the peace that comes from that balance.  If you leave even one of the things in your life out and neglect it, even for a little while, you will find yourself trying to catch up and it will only get worse.  Most people will leave themselves out and begin to feel the stress that comes from not having enough time to do what is necessary for themselves.  Whether that is something around their home or something personal, it will begin to create a strain within themselves and within their relationships.  In order to feel balance within your life you have to have time for yourself, spouse, children, parents, relatives, job and fun.  All of this does not have to happen everyday.  The amount of time that you spend with each person or thing is up to you and your relationship with that person.  It should be happening often enough that you are not feeling the pressure from it.  It should also not feel like it is an obligation or a chore.  If it does, you should re-examine why you’re doing it.  If seeing a person feels like a chore or an obligation, examine why you’re doing it and if you realize that you don’t think it is your responsibility, then stop doing it as often or at all.  Balance is about doing what needs to get done with a little fun thrown in there for good measure.  Life is not mostly work and responsibilities.  It is a balance of  responsibilities and enjoyment.  If you are feeling resentment, like you never have any fun anymore or like life is a drudgery, you are out of balance.  If you are feeling that no one wants to be around you and you are alone more then you would like to be, you are out of balance.  You will have to examine what you are spending your time doing.  If it is all work and no play, begin to have fun with the people you love.  If you are feeling alone and lonely, make it more about others and their needs and wants and less about you.  Either way you will have to let go of the routine you have let yourself fall into and replace it with something more enjoyable for yourself and others.  The following link will help you to let go of what is no longer working for you.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Holiday stress

At this time of year, this time of giving, this time that is supposed to be about peace and love, are we often time stressed about everything.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Why is it the norm for a lot of people?  Why do we allow ourselves to be placed in the position of being that stressed?  If you stop and think about why you’re doing it, you would probable stop in you tracks.  It is not worth it.  The stress level during this holiday season is not worth the outcome.  If we all thought about it, we would alter what we are doing and actually make it about peace and love, not about the next expensive gadget.  We would all slow down and actually be mindful of our presence in the moment and be able to enjoy each one as it comes, instead of rushing through it to get whatever it is that comes next.  I don’t think that anyone is truly enjoying any of it if they are not present in the moment and aware of what is happening at that moment.  If you are rushing to the next thing, you can’t be enjoying anything, including the next thing.  Being mindful involves breathing and focusing on the moment you’re in at the time.  It involves allowing your body to recognize the space you’re in at the time, feeling your presence in that space.  It involves letting go of what you have to do next or what you did do that morning.  It means you have to focus on the moment you’re in now.    It involves letting go of what anyone else is doing but you at the time.  It involves not worrying about what your neighbor is doing, or the person at work or your best friend.  The following link will help you to let go of what is causing you stress and help you to slow down and realize what is really important.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Cheerleader for your kids

When you have children, it stops being about you and becomes about them.  You have to be willing to take second, third or sometimes last place to them.  If you’re not willing to do that then you need to be thinking about that before you have them, not after.  After is too late, unless you want to give them up for adoption to someone who will make them a priority.  That doesn’t mean that you give them everything they want.  It means you allow them to explore their talents and gifts without making them feel bad because you don’t think they can do that particular thing.  They will find out soon enough if they can’t. They may even surprise you. That will be your turn to support them through the failure and teach them to pick themselves up and try something else.  That is when you will be their cheerleader.  Encouraging them to try again and not allow the defeat to stop them from trying something else that interests them.  Talking to them about the fact that failure is a part of life and that it does not stop you, but teaches you about yourself and how to problem solve.  Talking to them about the fact that it does not make you a failure, stupid or unable to do anything.  Talking to them about the fact that not everybody is good at everything, and that’s okay.  That’s why we need other people in our lives.  Finding your talents and gifts is something that should be explored by every child, allowing them to see the difference in others and showing them how bringing everyone’s talents together makes all of us better.  Being a cheerleader for your child while they are discovering what those talents and gifts might be.  As with everything you will need to let go of some things, the fear of failure, fear of not wanting your child to think badly of themselves, fear of being wrong about what you think your child is capable of doing, your own fears that you might be projecting on to your child.  The following link will help you to let go of those things that are not helping you be a cheerleader for your child  and teaching them that failure is a part of life that is meant to be overcome, not meant to stop you.

Here is the link. Enjoy!