Changing behavior

Changing an unwanted behavior, like most worthwhile things in life, takes time.  It is not magical and does not happen overnight.  It is a concerted effort on your part to make it happen.  Your first step is accepting the fact that you need to make the change.  That requires an admission that you honestly think what you’ve been doing to date is not healthy.  You often times think that but never put those thoughts into action, remaining stuck with the old behavior.  If it is truly bothering you or getting you into trouble with your present day relationships, then it is time to make the change before you lose the relationship or job.  The next step would be making an effort to catch yourself doing the old behavior and changing it to something else.  This will take time as well because you will not always recognize that you’re doing it.  Once you begin to recognize that your unwanted behavior you will begin to recognize that you are doing it more often and be able to replace it with a more productive behavior.  You will then have to catch yourself and replace the behavior for a consistent 3 weeks.  Another 3 weeks of practicing the new behavior to make it a habit is also necessary. If you do not practice the new behavior, you will fall back of the old behavior during times of stress.  Giving away those things that you no longer want to or find necessary to control is also within those steps to changing unwanted behavior.  The following link will help you to give away the unwanted so you can replace it with the new.

Here is the link     Enjoy!

Saying what you mean

Not everyone says what they mean.  In an attempt to be kind, not insulting or non-argumentative some of us will not say what we really mean.  We will skirt the issue and the other person will not understand what we are trying to tell them.  They may also feel like something was not said, that needed to be said.  They will feel that the truth was not said.  They will feel that you are not being honest.

The other side of this issue is telling the truth no matte what.  Being direct is not an easy thing to do.  No matter whether you are a man or woman or how tactful you try to be.  People will think that you are sometimes rude, unkind, insensitive or argumentative.  People are not used to others being direct and to the point.  They prefer the indirect approach even though, if asked, they would rather being told straight forward.

Either way how you say what you mean is important.  If you are trying to be kind, tactful and direct without hurting others, you are doing your best.  The rest is up to the person who is interpreting what you are saying.  That will always depend on how and what they have experienced in their life.  All of us bring with us our past and the lessons we have learned there.  Some of them have been happy and some of them have left us with bad experiences that we carry around with us.  Letting go is important unless we enjoy the misery that comes from hanging on to our angry past.  This too can be changed.  It will take 3 weeks of continually catching the old habits and replacing them with new ones.  It will also take another 3 weeks of practicing the new behavior to make it a habit.  The following link will help you to let go of what you have no control over so you can change the old and replace it with the new.

Here is the link Enjoy!

It’s not what you say…….

If you are truly interested in having people hear what you are saying, then you are careful about how you say it.  When in a discussion, argument or debate with someone, becoming hostile, aggressive or argumentative in order to make your point will defeat your purpose. The minute you begin doing any of those things the person you are debating with is no longer listening to your words.  They begin to listen/watch  your body language, facial features, eyes, gestures, tone, volume and cadence of your voice.  They are no longer listening to your words.  You are wasting your breath.  They are preparing to fight or flee your presence.  If the goal is to reach an understanding on the part everyone then you explain your point of view in a manner that does not cause people to shut down and wonder whether or not they should get as far away from you as possible.  If your goal is to win at all costs, insult, diminish, anger or put on a show then continuing to have people run away from you will not accomplish your goal either.  Eventually there will be no one to do any of those things to and you will be standing alone.  Whether you have taken either of these ways of communicating to reflect on why you are doing things the way you are ding them.  This will require a time of reflecting and change.  If you truly want people to hear your words and not run away, then you will change the way you deliver your message.  You will make sure you are not being angry, insulting or trying to win at all costs with your delivery.  You will be careful with the tone, cadence and volume of your voice.  Your words will be kind and used to help people understand without talking down to them.  It takes time to change your style of communicating.  You will need to catch yourself using the old way of communicating and change deliberately change it to the new way.  You will need to do this for 3 weeks.  You will need to take another 3 weeks of practicing this new behavior to make it a habit.  The  link below will help you to give away the old behavior and replace it with the new.

Here is the link Enjoy!

Surface behavior

Underneath all surface behavior is a root cause for that behavior.  Examples would be the following: if what you are seeing is drinking, drugging, raging anger, constant drama, constant risk taking, suicidal behavior, cutting or too much emotion for the circumstances chances are you are dealing with a person who has been sexually abuse as a child.  Another example would be if what you are seeing is an inability to talk, struggling to communicate, sensitivity of the senses, smell, touch, hearing, sight, an inability to get social cues, a lack of empathy , a lack of filter for what they say or do and how it affects others chances you are dealing with someone who has autism.  The root cause is not an excuse for bad behavior.  Finding the root cause then makes you responsible for those behaviors and changing them so that society as a whole does not have to deal with those behaviors.  If you never find the root cause, you will never be able to change the surface behaviors for very long you will continue to repeat the same patterns of behavior.  Changing anything take a recognition of the underlying causal factors and a determination to change.  Change takes 3 weeks of constantly reminding yourself to not do the behavior you want to change and doing something new, more constructive.  It then takes 3 more weeks of practicing that behavior to make it a habit.  It also takes giving away those behaviors that we learned in childhood or family of origin because they are no longer working for us.  The following link will help you to do just that.

Here is the link Enjoy!

Dying slowly

From the moment of birth we begin to die slowly, physically.  Emotionally and mentally we should be growing and learning and improving.  If you come from dysfunction that is not always the case.  The reason for that is because no one is teaching us  how to take the problems that come up in our lives and work them out so we can learn from them.  What you are being taught is how to blame others, circumstances or things for what has happened.  It is never your fault.  Unless you are a child, it is your fault for the mistakes that you make and the consequences that come from those mistakes.   It doesn’t make you a bad person, but it does make you responsible for what you’ve done and the consequences that have come from that mistake.  Owning up to your mistakes will require looking at why you need to blame others for your mistakes.  It is usually because that was what you were taught to do.  That is what your family of origin did, does.  In order to change any behavior it will take 3 weeks of catching yourself doing the old behavior and replacing it with the new behavior.  It will then take 3 more weeks of practicing that behavior until it becomes your habit.  The following link will help to relax you and allow you to give away what you have no control over so you can replace it with new behaviors that will help you to be happier

Here is the link

Trusting your gut

Trusting your gut sounds pretty simple doesn’t it?  Just follow what you feel is the right thing for you, what your mind and feelings are telling you to do.  It is not that simple if you grew up in dysfunction because every time you trusted your gut, someone said you were wrong or manipulated the situation to favor them and not you, making you doubt your gut.  If you were the scapegoat in that family, you also took the blame for what went wrong reinforcing the fact that you cannot trust your gut.  As you grow up, hopefully, you realize that something was wrong with your childhood experiences and you begin to find out how your family manipulated the situations in your life and you can begin to heal.  You will realize that what went wrong was not your fault, but whomever was manipulating the situation to suit them.  They didn’t necessarily want you to fail, they just wanted things to work in their favor.  If you only look at what went wrong and how your life had been altered because of them, you will stay stuck there, in the past, wondering what went wrong.  There is nothing you can do about it now.  Too late.  You can change the present by getting your head out of the past.  You again will have to let go of the past and what happened or did not happen there.  Moving forward with a fulfilling life means that you will have to let go of what was and embrace what is now.  You will not be able to live in both places.  One has to go.  Living in the present is a much better place to be.  Letting go of the past also means letting go of the anger, resentment, guilt and what ever other emotions come up when you think of your childhood and the situations that happened there.  The following link will help you to let go of what you no longer have any control over.

Here is the link  Enjoy!

Being kind

When you are kind, it takes no more effort then it takes to be mean.  Some people will mis-perceive your kindness for weakness and try to take advantage of you and your kindness.  That is their problem and does not ever have to become your problem.  It should also not stop you from being kind to others, including those who would try to manipulate that kindness.  Most people appreciate your kindness and will pay it forward, being kind to the next person that they meet.  Being kind without expectation of getting anything in return is the best sort of kindness.  If you only give with the expectation of getting something back, you will be sorely disappointed.  Do not give anything if that is the only reason you are giving.  Give everything, including kindness, only because you want to give it.  Otherwise it is a selfish act and not kindness.  What you put out there will return to you eventually.  You have to be patient though.  If more people were kind to each other for no particular reason and without looking for something in return, the world would be a better place to live.  It is unfortunate that it is not.  Being kind and then experiencing someone trying to take advantage of that kindness is disheartening and attempts to make you rethink being kind.  Rethinking it is not a bad idea.  Make sure you are not being co-dependent, but don’t stop being kind.  Do not take on what is not yours to take on.  Other people trying to take advantage of your kindness is not your problem, it is that persons.  Do not take it on, give it away.  The following link will help you do that.

Here is the link Enjoy!