Political correctness

Political correctness is trying to make a label that is given to someone sound less insulting.  It is something that has been relabeled because the last label, has become an insult.  Labels are identifiers, adjectives, they are part of our language used in an attempt to help us understand each other better.  They were never meant to insult anyone.  The new label can also become politically incorrect because we are now using that word as an insult.  We can change the word as often as we want and it will not matter.  It is not the word itself, it is us who make it an insult.  It is not what we are saying, but how we are saying it, the tone and cadence of our voice, our facial expressions and body language.  It is what we are teaching our children at home and on the school playgrounds and buses that make it an insult.  Changing the word is not going to change that.  If you come from dysfunction, name calling may have been an everyday occurrence. You may not have even realized that there was anything wrong with what you were doing or saying.  You still may not.  You may be one of those people teaching your children to name call. You may be doing it yourself. Name calling has nothing to do with the person you are calling the name.  It has everything to do with how little you think of yourself.  Functional people do not need to name call.  They are okay with who and what they are, do not need to call anyone a name in an attempt to make themselves feel better, make a point or impress someone.  They are content with who and what they are and what others are.  They are accepting of the other people in their lives as equal, not greater or lesser.  They do not see differences in people as right or wrong, but just different.  Different is okay.  Different should not be feared.  Different should be embraced as something to learn from and enjoy.

Changing the word one more time is not going to change the attitude of the people using the word as an insult.  Changing people’s attitude about how they feel about themselves will change how they use the word.  Teaching people to accept differences as something to cherish and explore instead of fear and loath, will help change the attitude toward our differences.  Changing anything takes 3 weeks of constantly not doing what you used to do and replacing it with a new behavior.  It then takes another 3 weeks of practicing that new behavior to make it a habit.  The video’s below will help you relax  and get rid of the old behaviors while you are making the changes in your attitude.  Enjoy!

Click here for the relaxation and guided imagery video’s

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Grieving loss

There are many kinds of loss.  It is not always about someone dying.  Loss is also not a good way of describing the feelings that happen.  Loss refers to something that has been misplaced.  There is unspoken hope that you will find it.  You won’t.  It’s gone and you won’t get it back later when you look in your closet or under yesterdays News Paper.  The next time you see the person who has died will be in Heaven, if you believe in Heaven.  If not, your never seeing that person again.  If it is about a loss in relationship, an heirloom that has been ruined or stolen, a house that has burned and you have lost all of your children’s baby pictures and memories, again you have not lost them.  You will not walk into a room one day and find them again.  The feeling that happens is greater than losing something that you still have hope of finding.  It is huge and indescribable.  The pain is breathtaking.  There is no English word for it.  If it is a material thing that has been lost, you will grieve for a while and then it will pass with some sadness.  If it is a relationship it will take the rest of your life, but will lessen with time.  If the relationship has been stolen from you because of lies and deceit it will take a long time.  If it is a child, the pain will lessen, but never go away.  Talking about it helps, letting go of what you cannot control helps, praying helps and so does meditation.  Letting go of a child takes a lifetime and the pain is all-consuming at times. Allowing yourself to feel the pain and then letting go of the pain and what you have no control over is the only way to heal.  Grieving is a process, it has steps to it that are accurate.  You will not go through them and then it is over.  You will go through them many, many times before the pain lessens.  You have to walk through it in order to get to the other side, there is no other way around it.  The love for that child or person will never stop, the pain of not having them in your life any longer takes time.  You have to learn to love them without them being present.  That is not an easy task.  The relaxation and guided imagery video will help you to let go of what you cannot control.

Link to the video’s

Attitude

As a human being there are many things that we bring with us every day.  We walk around with them and hold on to them.  Some like armor, some like a badge, some like an award that we’ve earned and some like a lesson learned.  During our day many things will happen to us some good and some bad.  How we handle these things is critical to how they turn out and how they effect others.  The most important thing in how we handle these things is our attitude.  It is one of the most important things that we bring with us during our day.  Our attitude not only effects us but others around us that we are with and dealing with during our day.  If we carry with us an attitude of not caring, people will see that and it can break a relationship.  If we bring with us an attitude of anxiety people will see that and it may be mis-perceived as their doing.  If we bring with us an attitude of loving positive regard, people will see that and know that you care about the outcome and will do your best.  Most people dismiss people with negative attitudes because they are aware that a good outcome is not possible with someone like that.  They will seek out someone who is genuinely going to try to help them or treat them fairly.  Whatever attitude you bring with you during your day others will see and either run for the hills or want to be with you. Your attitude will determine what kind of person you attract to you and what kind of person you repel.  If you are negative you will attract negative to you.  If you are positive you will attract positive to you.  Everyone knows this, what they don’t always understand is that it starts with the attitude you bring with you during regular interaction with people during your day.  The attitude you wake up with and go to sleep with that will either make or break how your day goes.  What happens during your day is random and will depend entirely upon the person you are dealing with at the time.  Bad things can happen, negative people can happen, unexpected things can happen.  Things will not always turn out the way you have planned.  You cannot control everything that happens to you during your day.  The only thing you can control is the attitude you bring with you to that situation.  An attitude of loving positive regard will bring about a positive outcome whether the situation or the person you are dealing with at the time is negative or not.  You have a choice to either be sucked into the negative attitude of others or to keep that positive attitude you woke up with that morning.  If you choose that negative attitude, things usually go down hill quickly.  If you choose to stick with the positive attitude things will change for the positive.  Your day is yours to do with as you see fit.

” The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude, to me, is more important than the past, than money, than education, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company, a church, a home.  The remarkable thing i we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do i play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happen to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you, we are in charge of our attitudes.”  Charles Swindoll

Relax and enjoy your day and put the negative in a box with all of the other things you have no control over.  This video can help you do that for yourself.

Link to the video’s   Enjoy!

Finding root causes

Often times as a Behavior Specialist Consultant and in my personal life, I have been accused of making excuses for people’s behavior.  In my mind there is a huge difference between making excuses and finding root causes. Making excuses entails coming up with things that cause this person to do what they did and then letting them off the hook for whatever it might have been.  Finding root causes entails looking underneath the surface behavior to find what is driving the behavior.  This is done in order to change the underlying causal factors and therefore the behavior itself.  This does not let the person off the hook but makes them do work to change what was done so it will not happen again.  It not only changed the surface behavior, what you can see with the eye, but also what is driving the behavior.  An example might be the following:  When dealing with a child who has been molested you will see surface behaviors like hyper sexuality or the opposite dressing very plainly, fading into the woodwork to not be noticed or to not be attractive.  You will see criminal behavior, drug and / or alcohol use and eventually abuse.  You will see anger/ rage and a lot of it.  There will be poor school performance, especially if it is a teacher that is doing the molesting.  You will see cutting themselves, emotional dis-regulation, reactions to things that are not that bad will have an overreaction.  They will not be able to hold a job when they get older due to the anger / rage.  They will have excuses for their responses to things that do not make sense to you, but it does to them and they will be angry / rageful with you if you dispute it.  Fixing only the surface behaviors will not change the behavior.  They may stop doing whatever you have punished them for, but the driving force behind the behavior has not changed and therefore it will continue to happen, if not in the same form, then it will manifest itself in another manner.  If you punish a child for dressing provocatively, they may not dress that way again in your presence, but, they will find another way to express that behavior.  They may begin to sneak out of the house, dress provocatively when they are out of your sight, etc.  Because you have not found the underlying causal factor, the behavior continues.  It takes a lot of work to change causal factors.  Sometimes years and determination to make it different by the person exhibiting the behavior.  Making them feel bad about what they are doing will only make it worse.  It will make them defensive and pull away from you.  That does not mean you accept their behavior,  it means you let them know you will love them without strings.  Most of us have no idea how to do that.  Loving without conditions attached means that you are willing to love this person no matter what they do, no criticism, just acceptance of who they are and where they are at this point in their life.  That does not mean you accept their behavior.   You are also willing to tell them, without judgment, how it hurts you to see them do whatever it was they did and cause themselves such pain.  If you are only interested in what other people see then you are making excuses.  If you are trying to understand what is making it happen then you are looking for root causes and trying for a permanent change.  These video’s will help you to relax while you are giving away what you cannot control and is no longer working for you.

Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

Forgiveness

Most people believe that forgiving someone means that the person that hurt us is no longer responsible for what they did to us, that they do not have to make it up to us any longer, that whatever they did is removed from their history with us.  That is not true.  Whatever happened between you is still there, the only thing that changes when you forgive someone is that you put the burden of carrying their responsibility around with you. Not forgiving someone is like carrying around a sack on your back and every time someone does something to you, you put a rock in the sack and fling it over your back and carry it around.  Pretty soon you are slumped over trying to carry this sack and people are looking at you like there is something wrong with you.  The person that hurt you does not even remember the incident and you are still carrying around the hurt.  The only person who is hurt by that is you.  Carrying it around hurts you on a daily basis.  Forgiving people allows you to put down the sack of rocks and move on with your life.  It does nothing to or for the other person.  They are still responsible for whatever they did and will eventually pay for it.  Not your concern, your concern is moving on with your life and not allowing the hurt to stop you from living your life.  When you do that, they win.  When you forgive, you move on and they lose.  You remain the person you have always been and did not allow them to change you and make you bitter.  You did allow yourself to learn lessons from the event so it will not happen again, you just didn’t put it in a sack and carry it around with you for the rest of your life.  No one and nothing is worth that burden.  Here is my guided imagery video to help you get rid of the sack of rocks.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw

Acceptance

When I work with people who are trying to accept the situation that they find themselves in at the time,  they seem to think that acceptance means they have to accept the situation and can do nothing to change it.  Acceptance does not mean you have to like what has happened, nor does it mean you can do nothing about it. It also does not mean you have to swallow whole what is hurtful, painful or inappropriate.  Most times you will not like what has happened in these situations, or you wouldn’t be struggling with accepting it.  Acceptance means that you see the situation as it is, for what it is and make a decisions about what you’re going to do about it.  That has nothing to do with liking it, swallowing it whole and choking on it or allowing an inappropriate situation to continue.  It is seeing the situation for what it is and doing something to make it acceptable for you or sometimes you and your family.  It does not mean allowing unacceptable things into your life.  It may mean not allowing that thing or person into your life again until they can stop doing whatever it is that you find inappropriate.  It may just mean not allowing that situation to happen again.  That will be your decision.  Accepting something or someone who is unacceptable to you does not ever need to be a choice. Allowing less than what you can be in your life hurts you and the person who is trying to make you do it.  It diminishes both of you. Setting limits for your life is always a good thing and will remain a good guideline to set for yourself.  Setting limits takes courage and self-determination to be the best person you can be. If that limit entails not having someone in our life right now,  it does not have to be permanent.  Eventually people come back into your life and you can make another choice, set another limit depending upon the situation at that moment.  Relax and enjoy your new self determination to be the best you, you can be!  Don’t ever accept anything or anyone who makes you less then you are or can be.

“Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation.  It means accepting the fact of a situation, and then deciding what we will do about it.” Author unknown

The following link will help you to let go of those things that are no longer helpful in your life and relax while you’re doing it.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxfXvKoRJ53hEQ8p1TTmAaw

Relax and enjoy!

Letting go part II

The phrase “letting go” sounds very easy.  It is not.  It is a process and it takes time.  We human beings hang on to things that we love with a fierceness sometimes that is indescribable.  If we are people who need to control things, it is even more unthinkable.  If it is a combination of both it will be the most difficult thing you ever do.   Letting  go of people requires the same strength, courage and commitment.  It is not easy to let go of someone you love, especially if that person is your child.  It is required for your sanity if that child is or has become dysfunctional and is an adult now.  For whatever the reasons that has occurred.  Letting go is required in order to not become involved in the drama that is their life.  If your child is still a child, get your family help, because it then becomes a family issue, not just the child’s.  Children are not born dysfunctional, they are taught how to be.  If you are dealing with someone, your adult child or not, who has become dysfunctional either because of addiction or some other reason, letting go will be difficult.  Your will want to help them and love them through it.  It is not your decision to get them help, it is theirs.  If they are not ready to let go of whatever the issue might be, they will not seek help.  You will find yourself in a battle of wills, theirs against yours.  It is an untenable battle.  No one wins because it is not yours to fight, it is theirs.  You can be support while they are fighting it, but it is their fight.  Letting go of that, wanting to help your child, is never easy no matter how old they are at the time.  Trying to help someone who does not want the help is crazy making for you and for them.  Letting go does not mean that you stop loving that person.  It means that you are not physically involved with that person.  That does not have to be a permanent thing.  When they are ready to stop the crazy making, you can re-involve yourself  with emotional support for their efforts.  They need to fight this battle alone in order to make it theirs and learn whatever they need to learn from it.  You cannot learn it for them.  You cannot take their pain away or feel it for them.  They have to go through it in order to get to the other side.  The pain that you do feel is yours.  That is your battle to fight and learn what needs to be learned from it for yourself.

Praying, using guided imagery and relaxation exercises, going to alanon, alateen, finding a trauma therapist if the addictions came as a result of molestation or rape as a child, these will help you to let go of those thing that are not yours to control.  It will allow those that need to learn the lessen, learn it while you are learning yours.  It will allow you to deal with your pain while they are dealing with theirs.  Remember loving someone does not have to stop just because they are no longer with you physically.  If you have ever truly loved someone they are always with you.  This site has relaxation and guided imagery videos that will help you to let go of those things you cannot control and relax while you’re doing it.

Link to the video’s   Enjoy!