Letting go

Letting go does not mean that we forget what happened.  Letting go means that we no longer refeel the emotions attached to the memory.  As humans we have the capacity to remember everything that has every happened to us from the time we were born.  As a therapist, when someone tells me that they have no memories of their childhood, I wonder what trauma happened to them that they don’t remember.  If we fall and break our leg as a child, we should remember the fall and the fact that it hurt.  We should not refeel the pain of the break.  If we got blamed for something we did not do and were punished for it.  We should remember the event, the people involved and the fact that we were angry.  We should not be refeeling the anger.  We need to remember the bad as well as the good in our lives.  We need to remember the bad so we do not repeat the mistakes that were made,  either by others or by ourselves.  If we forget we are doomed to repeat them.  Letting go is not easy,  for me it is a process that does not happen overnight, or within a week.  Depending upon what I am trying to let go of, it may take me months to let go of it.  If it is something or someone dear to me it usually takes months, sometimes a year or more.  I know that I have truly let go when I can find humor in it.  If I am remembering it and able to find something humorous about it, then I have let go.  These video’s will help you to let go.  Link to the video’s.  Enjoy!

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Violence and Love

Violence and love cannot exist in the same place.  If you love, violence has no place to exist.  If you are violent, love has no place to exist.  That does not mean that violent people do not love, nor does it mean that people who love you are not capable of violence.  We are all capable of both of these emotions.  Just not at the same time.  If you are listening to the voice inside, it will not be telling you to be violent.  It will be telling you to seek peace.  Listening to the voice within requires time to sit and listen to it and if you are a praying person, pray.  If you are listening to it on a daily basis then you will hear it in your everyday life without effort.  If not, then you will have to reconnect with it but taking the time to be still and listen to what it has to say.  Some people call it a gut feeling, some call it your guardian angel, some call it God.  Whatever you call it make sure you are naming your spirits, you do not want the wrong ones. They are violent.  In order to listen you will  have to be still, quiet and relaxed.  You will have to be able to concentrate on hearing what your gut, angel or God is telling you.  We as a people have lost that ability because we are too busy and do not take the time to be still any more.  Here is my relaxation video to help you relax enough to hear.   Link to the video’s    Enjoy!

Emotional Blackmail

Often times I have seen people hurt each other through withholding love in an attempt to get what they want.  Some men will withhold their presence in their wives lives until they get what they want. They stay away at work or with their friends until their wives or girlfriends comply with what they want.  Some women will withhold sex until they get what they want.  This is not love.  It is emotional blackmail and it has nothing to do with loving someone.  I understand that you need to stay away until the anger subsides.  But, then you talk about what happened, what angered you or hurt you.  You don’t hold out until you get your way.  I also understand that you do not want to make love to someone who you are angry with or hurt by.  So you take care of your anger in a mature manner and then you talk about what hurt or angered you.  You do not withhold anything from the person you love.  If you are, it is not love.  It is also not a healthy relationship.  We learn how to have healthy relationships from our parents.  If your parents did not have a healthy relationship then you have learned what you don’t want to do, if you want a relationship to last.  Emotional blackmail will send the other person running as far from you as they can get and you will repeat the pattern for the next generation.

Changing this happens the same way we change any behavior we do not want.  Making a conscious effort to catch ourselves doing it and stopping it.  You then replace it with a behavior that is healthier and will help your relationship, not hurt it.  Again it will take 3 weeks of practicing this and 3 more weeks to make it a habit.  These video’s will help you to relax and gt rid of whatever behaviors you no longer want or are no longer working for you.  Link to the video’s   Enjoy!

Violence

Using violence of any kind, whether it is verbal or physical, is an indication that you have already lost the battle.  Violence does not solve anything.  It will get you more violence.  People become violent when they feel they have no other choice or when they have been raised in violence and it has worked in their family to get what they want.  If you are trying to solve or resolve a problem than violence is not the way to do it.  If you are trying to get the upper hand and “win” then you will resort to anything to get what you want and “Win”.  Resolving problems has nothing to do with winning.  If you are in a relationship and are having an argument or discussion with your partner and you have resorted to violence to win, you should get out of the relationship, because you do not love this person. That is another blog.  Resorting to violence means you have to be right and the other person has to do it your way or you will make them.  Violence is not winning it is making the other person comply out of fear.  You don’t win on a lot of levels.  Making someone do something in order for you not to hurt them is bullying.  You need to look at why you need to be right all of the time and why you need to win all of the time.  It is impossible to do both all of the time.  All of us lose once in a while and all of us are wrong some of the time.  It should not be ego based whether we win or lose or are right or wrong.  it should be a realistic expectation that we are both once in a while.  Neither make us bad people, just fully human.  Resorting to violence means we have not been taught the skill set that we need to resolve the problem any other way and become frustrated because we don’t have the skill set necessary to do so.  Learning the skill set is not impossible no matter what age you happen to be.  Finding other ways to resolve your problems will make you a happier, more content person.  It is always easier when you accept yourself as a fallible human being like the rest of us.  These video’s will help you to relax and get rid of what you need to give away so you can change your behavior.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!

Loving yourself

Learning to love oneself happens in childhood.  There are several things that will disrupt those feelings.  Parents who concentrate only on the physical appearance and not the character of the child,  teachers, principals and guidance counselors who allow bullying in their schools and do nothing to stop it and neighbors who watch children hurting each other and do not report it.  It takes a village to raise a child and it takes only one person ignoring what needs attention to make that child think they can get away with it and repeat that same thing.  Self loathing happens when a child has been taught they are not good enough, they do not meet the traditional standards of the home, school or the neighborhood.  They are not accepted for who and what they are, rather the adults are being negatively critical for who they are.  Trying to meet other people’s standards does not make them fully who they are.  Encouraging the positive things in a child will make them positive, productive and healthy adults.  They will learn to love themselves and therefore learn to love others.  Love is not negatively critical, does not bully, mock, make fun of or punish what is not like you, it loves unconditionally, no strings.  What you show them with your actions and with your words will mold them into the adults that they will become.  Words do hurt a child.  What you do also hurts. From the time a child is a baby they learn by watching the adults in their lives.  They learn how to walk, talk and be from those adults.  Be careful what you are teaching them with your actions and words.

If you are one of those adults that are negatively critical of the children in your life, whether they are yours or not, you can change that behavior by catching yourself doing it and stopping yourself.  You will have to be mindful of what you are doing and saying in order to catch yourself. You will have to stop yourself from doing the old behavior and replace it with a new behavior.  It will take 3 weeks to change the behavior and 3 more weeks to make the new behavior a habit.    Here is my relaxation video’s to help give away what ever comes up while you’re doing it.     Link to the video’s   Enjoy!

Divorce and/or separation and your children

Divorce can either be good or bad for children.  If they have parents that have been fighting a lot and they have been listening to it, divorce can be a relief for them.  If they have not been part of the fighting or know about the discord it will be a shock to them and they will probable be angry with both of you.  The parent they are with,  because you kicked out the other parent and the parent who left, because you left them too.  Children can usually get over this if the parents handle it correctly.  This requires a lack of selfishness on your part and a love for your children that is stronger than the feelings you have for the other parent and your need for revenge.

You cannot use the children as a means to hurt the other parent.   You are also hurting your children.  They get caught in the middle and they wind up having to choose between you.  They lose.  This is not right on many levels because it is not their fight and they should not be brought into it.  They have a right to have both parents active and a part of their lives.  You have no right to use them as a way to get even with the other parent for whatever they’ve done to you.  Children need both parents, they  have a right to both parents.

The parent that leaves often times, for what ever the reason will not see their children.  Sometimes it is because of the games that are being played by the other parent, and the legal system.  Sometimes it is because they have found another person who either has children of their own and does not want yours or sometimes it is because you have given up the fight with the other parent.  They are your children, you have an obligation to take care of them, not just financially, but emotionally as well.  Not spending time with them is teaching them they do not matter to you.  If you have found someone else, the obligation is still there whether they have children or not.  They knew you did when they met you, if they cannot accept your children also, then they should be the ones that go, not your children.  You do not want someone who cannot accept, treat the same as their own any child whether it is theirs or not.  If they cannot love someone who is a part of you, they will not love you either because they are too selfish to do so.  If you have another family with this person and your child knows that they have siblings that you are spending time with, but not with them, the emotional injury you are causing is huge.

Having children is not a selfish act.  It is a life long commitment.  It is not about giving you something. It is about giving them something.  Children are a gift that should not be thrown away when you get tired of it or it gets too much.  Children will learn about life and about themselves by what you, as the parent teach them.  Using them as a pawn teaches them they can manipulate  people, leaving them for someone else or choosing someone who is selfish enough not to love them too, teaches them they are not worth anything.  Living across town and not seeing them teaches them you do not love them enough to want to see them especially if you have another family with someone else.  You cannot buy them with money.  You can buy them with love and time spent.  Allowing them to know that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you.  Make time for them.  These video’s will help you to relax while you change your behavior and get rid of those things that are getting in the way of being a better parent.  Link to the video’s   Enjoy!

Fair fighting

For the most part life is not fair and who ever told you it was lied to you.  If you love and or care about someone and are fighting with them the way to do it is not to try to win.  Like I wrote yesterday arguing with someone should not be about winning and losing.  It should be about resolving issues so you both can live with the result.  It is not about dragging everything you have ever done out every time you argue just to make sure you win or to prove whatever point you’re trying to make.  You should discuss only the issue at hand.  If there is  a pattern to what is happening now you can mention the fact that there is a pattern but not every single thing that relates to that pattern.  Bringing up old issues only clouds what is happening now.  It is also not about yelling at each other.  When yelling begins, your hearing what the other person is saying stops.  It then becomes pointless to continue because no one is hearing anything.  If you are angry, walk away until you have your anger under control.  Then talk about what happened and why you’re angry.  If you begin to get angry again while you’re talking about the problem, walk away again, or allow the other person to walk away and do not follow them.  Following them or yelling at them diminishes both of you.  Following them indicates you need to control the situation.  Yelling shows that you are too angry to discuss anything at the moment.  Both of those things will not resolve anything.  They will make it worse and now you have two problems.  The original one and now the fact that you are yelling or having to control the situation.

Controlling yourself and your emotions, especially anger is sometimes difficult if you are not used to doing it.  If you are a physical person you may have to go for a run or a walk to get ride of the anger energy.  If you are more sedate you may want to listen to music or read a book to get rid of the energy.  It does not matter what you do, the point is to get rid of it so you are calm enough to talk.  It is about controlling you, not the other person, so you can resolve the issue so it does not happen again.  These video’s can help to relax you and give away what needs to be given away before you begin your talk.  Link to the video’s.   Enjoy!