All of us suffer.  Some a lot and some not so much.  We all suffer from time to time to the degree that we can tolerate the suffering.  Suffering is a means to an end.  If we do not suffer then we do not grow and change for the better.  When suffering occurs, so does change.  If we allow the suffering to break us then we are defeated, but, if we look at the suffering as a way to change what is present in our lives that needs changing, then we learn what needs to be learned, and can move on in a positive manner.  Suffering is not something to be avoided at all costs.  Suffering is something that should be seen as part of the growing process, a means to an end.  When something ends, it hurts, we grieve whatever it was.  Something better comes to take its place, a door opens that we never saw before, possibilities come about that were never present.  Suffering is not just an end, it is a new beginning if we are open to it.  If we shut down and stay stuck in the sorrow, we miss the opportunity.  I am not saying don’t grieve the loss.  You have to grieve in order to move past it.  I am saying stay open to other possibilities while you are grieving, they will come if you are open to them.  I am saying do not shut down and close yourself off to whatever else is coming your way.  Growth and change comes during great sorrow.  Nothing grows and becomes something more beautiful unless it has experienced pain, been broken first and remained open to the possibilities.  Closing off and shutting down allows nothing in and death occurs.  Giving away all that is not necessary for growth is a good way to remain open to what comes next in your life.  Getting rid of the burden is a great way to remain open to what your next step in life may be.  Here is the guided imagery video to help you do that.   Link to the guided imagery   Enjoy!



Saying No

Often times we will say yes to something that we really do not want to do or really do not have the time to do.  We say yes instead of no for a variety of reasons, mostly because we want to please the other person or don’t want to appear uncooperative.  This usually causes stress for the person who has said yes instead of no and also sets up a dynamic of now having to finish something you do not have time to do.  The other person will usually notice that it is not getting done in a timely manner and becomes irritated with you and calls you on it.  You are then stuck with having to explain why it is not done yet.  It would have been easier if you had just said “No, I’m sorry I do not have the time”.  Or ” I’m swamped right now, I’m sorry I can’t help you”.  The other person will usually understand even though they may continue to try to convince you to do it.  Once they understand your no means no, they will stop.  If they think you can be convinced to do it anyway, because you’ve done so in the past, they’ll stop bugging you when they realize you’ve changed and your no now means no.

Change again takes 3 weeks of constantly saying no to things you either cannot or do not want to do.  It takes another 3 weeks to make that behavior a habit.  Here is my relaxation video while you are working on changing this behavior.   Link to the video’s   Enjoy!



Grooming is a term used to describe what pedophiles do to get children and parents used to, comfortable with, them and what they do, before they actually molest your child.  They attempt to make themselves invaluable to you.  They become affectionate with you and your child.  They sit too close, place their hands in places on your body that make you uncomfortable at first, but you will then think “that’s just how they are”.  They will often be a valuable person in the community and you will think they are safe.  They will offer to take responsibility for your children to let you have a night off, they will become the father figure in your child’s life, usually without any sexual requests on you as a woman. You may even find that refreshing.  They will be willing to spend time and money on you and your child without any expectation of getting anything in return.  They will be a support, a rock in your time of need.  Your child will think they are wonderful at first and then will not want to go with them when they begin the molestation.  They are very good at breaking down whatever barriers have been put up.  Whatever moral code you have given to your children, they will break down and remove, make pliable so they can molest your child without too much trouble.  That usually doesn’t work for long, if you have done your job well.  Your child will become uncomfortable after the molestation begins.  The molester will then become threatening towards your child, they will get them drunk or high to lower their inhibitions so your child will not object.  If that happens your child will submit, either out of fear for themselves or their family or because they are now guilty about getting drunk or high.  They may also be addicted to whatever they are being given.  They may even initiate the contact in order to get more of whatever they are now addicted.  The molester will convince them it was and is their fault.

This kind of trauma is the worst kind of trauma whether you are a boy or girl.  It will be easier for a girl to report it than it will be for a boy.  Boys are supposed to be tough, they are supposed to somehow stop it from happening, society thinks that they probable wanted it just because they are male.  Boy’s are suppose to suck it up and deal with it.  As a society, we need to catch up with the reality of the situation.  Boys are still children.  They are as innocent as their girl counterparts.  We need to make it as easy for them to report it as we have girls, even if they are now adult males.   Molesters need to be stopped.  If it is your child, they will need trauma therapy.  This kind of trauma can be overcome with help.  It is not the end of the world for them.  They will never be what they would have been, but can be close to it.  You will begin to see glimpses of the child you knew as therapy comes to an end.  Prolonged Exposure, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (mindfulness) will change the behaviors associated with sexual abuse and grooming.  If it is your child who was molested, you will need to relax and give away all of those things you have no control over.  The link below will help you to do that.  Here is the link    Enjoy!


Betrayal is something that is very difficult to overcome because it destroys trust in the person or people who have betrayed you.  It seems to be a pattern in some people’s lives however, and this stops them from having relationships on a deeper level. The fear of being betrayed again can stop us from ever having anything more than superficial relationships.  They can be friendly even humorous but superficial because the person who has been betrayed will not let you in too deeply for fear that you will betray them too.   There will always be a wall between you, to protect them from you. Betrayal is painful, you were hurt by someone you trusted enough to let get close to you, know your secrets, things you never told anyone else.  Betrayal is unexpected and usually shocks the person who was betrayed because they were not on guard around this person, they didn’t think they had to have their defenses up around this person.

Healing the person means rebuilding the ability to trust people and dealing with the original betrayal.  You will need to examine what happened again and what went wrong.  You will also have to learn to separate this person from the rest of the world.  Not everyone is going to betray you.  Hanging on to this, is only holding you back from finding a relationship with someone you can trust and will not betray you.  You will need to take baby steps toward confiding in someone again.  Confide something small at first and if you feel that nothing bad has happened with the information or they haven’t gone screaming from the building with whatever you told them, you can try something more serious.  Eventually you will be confiding things that you have never told anyone or things you haven’t told anyone for a while.  This is not going to happen over night.  Everything I write about takes time, there is no instant cure or pill, just hard work, emotional work.

Most of the rebuilding will be around trusting yourself and your judgment again.  Most people who have been betrayed are angry at themselves for not seeing it ahead of time, not knowing this person better, not paying attention to the subtle cues that were happening or just plain not thinking you were smart enough to figure it out before hand.  None of those things are correct.  People who betray you do it all of the time to others.  It is their thing, not yours.  Forgiving yourself is important to your healing.  You would not have seen anything anyway until it would have been too late to do anything about it.  People who betray others are good at doing it and would not have given off too many cues about what they were doing, only ones you would have seen in hindsight.   Forgive yourself for not seeing it before you were hurt.  You did not deserve it, be grateful that your mind does not work like theirs, it is a lonely place to be.  These video’s will help you to relax and get rid of those thing you have no control over.   Link for the video’s.    Enjoy!

PTSD and relaxation

Some of us can look back on our lives and relate to something that altered the course of our lives and caused trauma for us.  Trauma stops us where we are, until we deal with whatever happened to us. Most of us are able to do that without much effort.   If this trauma happens when we are a child, whether that trauma is emotional, mental, physical or sexual, the event(s) will stop us at whatever emotional age we were when the event happened.  So, if we are 8,10 or 12 years of age we will emotionally stay at that age, even though our bodies may grow.  If we have a parent who is paying attention, we will usually be able to deal with the situation because they are helping us to do that.  If we do not have a parent to help us we are stuck, until we choose to deal with it, usually in adulthood.  Most children who are sexually molested have the component of alcohol or drugs involved.  Some molester’s will get the child drunk or high in order for them to be able to molest the child.  The child now has two issues, molestation and addiction.  As the child gets older the molestation may stop, but the addiction will not, because now the addiction has usually spiraled into many other drugs as well as alcohol to numb the pain felt by the past molestation.  Addiction also stops emotional growth, so you now have an addicted person in their 20’s or 30’s acting like a child.  If the person is able to stop using for a while, usually because they have been made to do so by the court system, they may have grown emotionally somewhat, so they may have reached adolescence is their 20’s or 30’s.  Molestation also brings the fact that they are highly emotional people, have flash backs, nightmares, trouble sleeping,  carry a lot of anger and are easily angered when drugs or alcohol are involved.  A person in this state will need a lot of love, an acknowledgement from the parent that failed to help and that they are still loved no matter what. It will be up to them to get the help they need at this point, there is nothing you can do but love them unconditionally.  It does not mean you have to tolerate intolerable behavior.  You can love someone from afar.  it is always difficult to watch someone struggling with something you have no control over.  When it is your child it is almost impossible to watch them self-destruct.  Setting limits is loving them through it.  Tough, but necessary.

Relaxation is a matter of calming your mind.  Being mindful of what you are telling yourself.  What are your thoughts telling you about you. If you have been abused, they are usually telling you, that you are at fault.  You are not worthy.  If the abuse, molestation happened as a child, you acted out with negative behaviors and were usually punished for them, while your abuser was left alone to continue the abuse.  The adults in your life failed you and  you are still punishing yourself for their failure.  Changing your thoughts is a matter of stopping the thought and listing positive things about yourself.  If, when you are alone, you can list positive things about yourself, you can then read them to yourself every morning and every evening.  It takes three weeks to change a behavior and three more weeks to make the new behavior a habit. It will not happen over night, nothing worth while does.  Positive things can be that your family loves you, you are seeking help, you have a desire to get better, you woke up this morning to do the best you can with this day.  Every morning, you can also ask yourself what you are grateful for, and keep that in mind all day. Especially when bad things happen during the day.  When negative thoughts or flashbacks come, push them aside and think about what you are grateful for or the positive things in your life.  You can tell yourself that you will spend time later thinking about the negative things.  You will have to spend some time during the day sitting with the negative thoughts.  Do not spend a lot of time with them, 10 to 15 minutes.  Set a timer if you have to do so.  While sitting with the negative thoughts ask yourself what they are telling you about yourself, the situation and how it is impacting your life in the present.   If it is a positive thing, add it to your list of positive things you will tell yourself each morning and night.  If it is a negative thing become mindful of what it is and change it to something positive.  An example would be: every time someone tells me I’m wrong I become defensive and angry.  Changing that would be a matter of becoming mindful of these situations and the next time someone tells you, you’re wrong,  look at the situation without the past coloring it and become objective rather than subjective.  Ask yourself if that is merely that person’s opinion or are you truly doing something wrong that needs to be changed.  If it is that person’s opinion, it doesn’t matter, put it in the box and let go of it.  If you need to change something, do so and let it go.

Calming yourself before, during and after you sit with the negative thought is a matter of using the breathing exercises.  The emptying exercise is good for getting rid of the negative and replacing it with the positive thoughts and feelings.   These video’s will help you to do that.   Link to the video’s.  Enjoy!

Grieving loss

There are many kinds of loss.  It is not always about someone dying.  Loss is also not a good way of describing the feelings that happen.  Loss refers to something that has been misplaced.  There is unspoken hope that you will find it.  You won’t.  It’s gone and you won’t get it back later when you look in your closet or under yesterdays News Paper.  The next time you see the person who has died will be in Heaven, if you believe in Heaven.  If not, your never seeing that person again.  If it is about a loss in relationship, an heirloom that has been ruined or stolen, a house that has burned and you have lost all of your children’s baby pictures and memories, again you have not lost them.  You will not walk into a room one day and find them again.  The feeling that happens is greater than losing something that you still have hope of finding.  It is huge and indescribable.  The pain is breathtaking.  There is no English word for it.  If it is a material thing that has been lost, you will grieve for a while and then it will pass with some sadness.  If it is a relationship it will take the rest of your life, but will lessen with time.  If the relationship has been stolen from you because of lies and deceit it will take a long time.  If it is a child, the pain will lessen, but never go away.  Talking about it helps, letting go of what you cannot control helps, praying helps and so does meditation.  Letting go of a child takes a lifetime and the pain is all-consuming at times. Allowing yourself to feel the pain and then letting go of the pain and what you have no control over is the only way to heal.  Grieving is a process, it has steps to it that are accurate.  You will not go through them and then it is over.  You will go through them many, many times before the pain lessens.  You have to walk through it in order to get to the other side, there is no other way around it.  The love for that child or person will never stop, the pain of not having them in your life any longer takes time.  You have to learn to love them without them being present.  That is not an easy task.  The relaxation and guided imagery video will help you to let go of what you cannot control.   Link to the video’s

Loving unconditionally

Most of us want to be loved unconditionally but are not always willing to give love unconditionally.  Loving unconditionally means that no matter what they do, no matter how difficult things get you will love this person.   You may not always like what they do, but you will always love them.  No strings.  No conditions.  No yeah buts.  Loving unconditionally does not mean that you have to swallow whole whatever they’re doing. You can love them unconditionally from afar.  Like the addicted person, you may have to leave until they are in a better place.  That doesn’t mean you don’t love them, It means you can’t watch them destroy themselves any longer.  It means right now you need a break from watching the destruction.  Unconditional love still can set limits.  It can still be tough.  It can still require respect from the other.  It can still want the other person to be the best they can and encourage them to do so.  Not demand, not make threats if they do not comply with what you want, but encourage.  It is their life and their decision to make what they want with it.  If you love this person it is yours to simply love them without strings with whatever decisions they decide to make about their life.  These video’s will help you to relax and give away what is getting in the way of loving unconditionally,  of letting go of what you need to in order to love unconditionally.  Link to the video’s.     Enjoy!