Child sex abuse investigations

Child sexual abuse is prevalent.  I don’t feel I think that because I ‘m a trauma therapist.  I think that because I have seen a lot of it.  I think that it needs to be investigated further.  I don’t think we should be stopping with the Catholic church.  I think we need to continue with other groups where children are because where children are, so are child predators.  I have seen children in all settings.  If we stop at the Catholic church we are making a mistake.  Priests are less than 1% of the population in general, less than 1% of those Priests are child predators.  I have worked with children in all settings that have been abuse by a lot of different kinds of people.  Child predators will be wherever there are children.  Teachers, Coaches, Ministers, Therapists, Tutors, Summer camp counselors, Policeman, Fireman, Babysitters, child party entertainers or anywhere there are children there will be child predators.  When ever there is a report of sexual abuse with a child, an investigation of the place should be done.  Where there is one there is usually more and the work environment promotes it, often times looking the other way when something suspicious happens.  No reporting those things allows it to continue without shedding alight on what should not be allowed.  There is always a period of grooming that happens with sexual abusers that should be suspicious to a regular person, that suspicion should be reported, not promoted or ignored.  If we can catch it in the grooming period, we can prevent it from going any further.  The following link will help you to let go of those things you cannot change and relax while you’re doing it.

Here is the link

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Entitlement

Entitlement is the understanding that you are worthy of everything that you want.  That you do not need to earn it, pay for it in some way or deserve it.  That the people around you should just give it to you.  That if you hold your hand out, someone will drop whatever you want into it.  I have worked with children who have been raised to think this way.  Their parents have done them a dis-service.  No one but their parents will ever give them anything that they want just because they want it.  These children grow up to throw grown up temper tantrums if they don’t get what they want.  Sometimes people will give into them just to shut them up.  Most of the time though they are without very many friends because of their behavior.  No one really wants to put up with temper tantrums.  They become bullies to get their own way.  They become very lonely souls.  Changing this behavior is done the same way that any other behavior is changed.  You replace it with another that is more acceptable and catch yourself doing the old behavior  for 3 weeks and then practice the old behavior for another 3 weeks to make that behavior a habit.  The following link will help you to let go of what you need to let go of and change what needs to be changed.  Enjoy!

Here is the link

Right and wrong

When I was a child, right and wrong were clearly defined.  We all seemed to know when we were doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing.  We all seemed to know what the consequences were too.  Or at least we knew there would be consequences.  As a clinician going into people’s homes and working with families, the child still seemed to know what they were and weren’t supposed to be doing.  What would and would not upset their parents or teacher.  The difference was that they thought it would be alright as long as they didn’t get caught.  As long as no one saw them doing it, it would be okay.  There were only consequences if you got caught.  What their parents/teachers didn’t know about them wouldn’t hurt them.  That went for home or school.  Lying about whether or not they did something was common place, blaming it on someone else was also common place.  The only reason they were in services with me was that they got caught.  Someone actually caught them in the act.  There was not remorse about what they had done or the fact that they had blamed someone else and they took the blame and consequences for what they had done.  There was only regret at getting caught.  That someone saw them.  When I was a child we were taught that someone is always looking, watching.  That if you don’t suffer consequences for your actions here you will when you die.  That He is always watching.  Your conscience told you to do the right thing, no matter who was watching.  If you’re not being taught that, you will not know that.  If the only time there are consequences for what you do is when you get caught, you will never know that.  There have been a lot of changes within my life time, some of them truly good.  Some of them not good at all.  Leaving this generation without a moral compass, will never be good.  It will always bring consequences that we will all pay for in the end.  Anything that is learned can be replaced with something else.  Changing behavior takes 3 weeks of catching yourself doing what you’re trying to change and replacing it with a new behavior.  Then, practicing the new behavior for another 3 weeks to make it a habit.  The following video will help you let go of what you have no control over and change the behavior.

Here is the link

Listening and hearing

Listening and hearing are two different things.  We often times think that we are listening to someone when we really haven’t heard a thing they’ve said.  Sometimes we are busy doing something else while they are talking to us.  Sometimes we are mentally preparing an answer to whatever they’re saying and not really hearing anything but own response.  Sometimes we have turned the person off as soon as they open their mouth because we don’t want to hear what they have to say.  Because of this, when we finally do hear what the person said, usually weeks or months later, we are amazed at the difference in what was said and what we heard.  Conversations are supposed to be two ways.  Someone talking and someone listening and then asking questions to clarify whether or not they truly heard what was said and meant by what was said.  The meaning sometimes get lost in the process.  That is where most people miss out and don’t hear what is being said.  We begin to form our own version of the meaning instead of asking questions to make sure we got it right.  We assume we know.  Instead of understanding the other persons meaning we have inserted our own meaning into their words.  We haven’t heard them at all, only ourselves and our own meaning.  That is what we will remember about the conversation.  When we talk to them again about it, it will be something different, because they are not us.  Their meaning will be something different and we will have missed it because we have not heard anyone but ourselves. Hearing is an art, you learn it in my line of work and you learn to ask questions of the person to reflect back what you heard.  It then gives the person an opportunity to clarify if that was what they meant or not.  Most people don’t do that because they honestly think they’ve heard it correctly and do not need clarification.  Most of us are wrong.  If you care about the person you’re talking to, then you care about what they’re saying to you.  You want to get it right.  If you don’t care about the person, then you may not care about what they’re saying.  You may still want to get it right though.  What they’re saying may be important to you and you may need to get it right.  It is always a good idea to reflect back to the person what you heard them say, just to make sure you heard their meaning.  Changing any behavior is always difficult.  it takes 3 weeks to change a behavior by constantly catching yourself doing the old behavior and replacing it with a new one.  Then 3 more weeks to practice the new behavior in order to make it a habit.  The following link will help you to do just that.  Enjoy!

Here is the link

Reinventing history

I have met a lot of people over the years both personally and professionally that reinvent history and sometimes that of others, especially if they were involved in that history.  This usually happens if there is dysfunction within the ranks of the deception.  It becomes a matter of saving face because it is usually something they cannot admit because it does not agree with how they think about themselves.  If it is something so abhorent to them that they cannot admit it to themselves because it goes against everything that they think they are.  If they were to admit to this history, they would also have to admit to the thing they find abhorent, and also the character that they truly are or have become because of this abhorant thing they have done.  So they change the event to make it more palatable for themselves and that usually involves making someone else the bad guy.  The problem with this logic is that it makes the situation worse then it would have been if they had only admitted that they made a mistake.  That they misjudged the situation and made a mistake.  Human beings make mistakes, not the same mistakes but mistakes nonetheless.  Owning those mistakes helps us to grow and become better people.  Not owning them allows us to stay stuck in the mistake, doomed to make the same mistake again and again until we own up to it and learn whatever it is we need to learn from it.   If you are human you will mess up.  Make mistakes.  Have regrets about some of the decisions that you’ve made.  It should not be the end of the world, it should not stop you from moving on with your life.  Sometimes it takes courage to look ourselves in the eye and see who and what we are and what we’ve become.  Looking at ourselves is exactly what we need to be doing.  No one is without redemption, no one is so terrible that they cannot be forgiven, unless they choose that path.  Owning the mistakes are the first decisions that you have to make.   Letting go of everything that you cannot control is the second thing.  Forgiving yourself for being human is the third.  The following link will help you to let go of those things that you cannot control and move on with your life.

Here is the link

Expectations

There are realistic expectations and not so realistic expectations.  It is realistic to expect that when someone says they will do something, that they will indeed do whatever they said they would do.  It is unrealistic to think that someone will do something that they did not agree to do, no matter what relationship they have with you.  There are certain expectations between partners, husbands and wives, children and parents.  Each of these relationships have conditions to them.  Built in expectations made by our society.  If the individuals, however, have not agreed to those expectations, those expectations will not be met.  An example of those what I mean is that the woman will clean the house and make the meals and the man will take out the trash and mow the lawn and do snow removal when necessary.  If the individuals do not agree with those expectations, you could be waiting a long time for your supper or to get out of your garage because there’s a foot of snow in your driveway.  In the good old days the roles were set and usually done whether the person agreed to them or not.  In today’s society the expectations of old are not longer applicable.  Roles in relationships are negotiated and people are doing those things within those relationships that they like doing and negotiating those things that no one likes to do.  Less and less in this society there are men jobs and women jobs that are designated within the relationship. Less and less our society is making those decisions for us, we are making them for ourselves.  Society is suppose to help us with a moral and ethical compass.  That depends on the society and its morals and ethics.  Forcing someone to comply with something they are not comfortable with or would not want to do on a continuing basis with no hope of stopping, never works.  Negotiating these things is always best.  f you are in a relationship where you feel the expectations that are placed on you are not of you liking, talk to your partner.  negotiate your position.  Change is always hard, but always worth it.  The following link will help you to do that.  Enjoy!

Here is the link

Taking back your power

It is cliché to say that someone has power over you only if you let them.  It is true, however.  It is also difficult when you are in the middle of your pain to see that fact.  It can be and often is almost impossible to see that you are the one allowing them to have the power over you.  People say a lot of things and often times they are inconsiderate, non-compassionate and stupid.  To say that maybe they weren’t thinking when they said it is the only way we can think about it without also then thinking that the person saying such things is a sociopath.  One who doesn’t care whether or not they hurt someone else.  Words are often times more hurtful than being physically abused.  I feel compassion for both the object of the words as well as the person saying them.  The reason being is that the person saying the words apparently does not know any better because that is what they were taught and therefore how they were raised to think.  That is sad in this day and age.  We have by this time learned about bullying and how words can hurt as much as any other abuse.  If you are still doing it, it is not because you have not heard about bullying and the negative effects on people’s lives, but because you enjoy being cruel.  There is a diagnosis for that type of person.  That is for another blog, however.

Taking back your power is getting through the pain and realizing that what people say cannot hurt us unless we actually believe what they are saying is the truth about us.  If someone says we are stupid or ugly, that will only hurt us if we actually think that we are stupid and ugly.  Taking back you power is knowing yourself enough to know that what others say about us is not always about us, but about them and their thoughts.  Those thoughts are usually about what they think will hurt you, not about you personally.  They can also have something to do with what the person knows would hurt them if someone said it to them.  The only way that you will know whether or not what they are saying is the truth is to know who you are and are not.  Taking back your power has to do with being able to hear what the other person is saying and dismissing it as unimportant, untrue and not significant in your life.  If you think it is true, then change it to something you can accept about yourself.  Something you can live with and like, love about you.  The following link will help you to accept those things you cannot change and change those things you can.  Enjoy!

Here is the link