If you come from dysfunction, have experienced trauma or are in a high stress job it is hard to be grounded. Your emotions are in high gear. You are watchful, constantly feeling like you are on the edge of something about to happen. Being in a constant state of readiness is hard on you emotionally, mentally and physically. You cannot keep that pace up for too long before it will affect you and your relationships with the people you love. There are exercises in grounding yourself that are part of the mindfulness exercises that will help you to stay present. That will help you to calm yourself. Grounding yourself is simple a matter of being present in the moment you are in now. You will not be able to be on your cell phone talking or texting, playing games or making plans. You will have to do the exercises without any props. It is about breathing and being present in the moment. The more oxygen your brain has the calmer you are. When you first start these exercises you will be light-headed. The reason for that is because most of us are not used to breathing enough or correctly so our brains have enough oxygen. If you practice these exercises daily you will become used to having enough oxygen and you will no longer get light-headed. If you have a high stress job, have experienced trauma or come from dysfunction this will help you to gain control of your emotions and the memories that you are trying to suppress. It will give you enough oxygen to be able to handle the stress better and keep you calm during stressful moments. You will also have to let go of whatever you are holding on to that is no longer working for you. The following link will help you to do that.
Enmeshed and disengaged are terms used to describe families that come from dysfunctional families. If you grew up in a family that had some kind of dysfunction whether it is addiction or anything else you were left with learning from the way you were raised or totally throwing out what you learned. Either way you disengaged from your family or enmeshed yourself in the dysfunction. If you disengaged from the dysfunction, you also disengaged from your family. You rarely if ever see them, you do not want your children being raised the way you were. If you enmeshed yourself in your family you will defend them to the death even when they are doing something dysfunctional or wrong, You allow it to continue saying nothing about why you feel it is wrong. You overlook a lot of things that may bother you but you will not say anything to stop the behavior. This will occur even though you know it is wrong and it may be happening to your children or effecting your children. Either way you pass on the dysfunction to the next generation. Your children will learn from how you treat your family. If you don’t talk to them, have totally disowned them, they learn from that. If you are talking to your family they will learn from that also. If you are allowing things to happen that they know are wrong, they learn that also. If you are doing one thing with your family and another thing with them, they will learn from that. If you are talking to them about your family and why things are the way they are, they will learn from that also. If you are utilizing tough love with your lessons, they will learn that every action or inaction has a consequence. Those are always the best lessons. If you grew up in dysfunction, you will have a lot to let go of and give away. The following link will help you to begin your journey,
Grooming is a term that Therapist use to describe what happens to children before a sexual predator molest or rapes the child. It is a series of behaviors and actions that will allow the child to feel more comfortable with what is going to happen to them. It allows them to feel more comfortable with the predator and with being touched in ways that normally would make them feel uncomfortable. These thing are usually done within the parents view and are accepted as being part of how this person behaves. It will never be anything overt or recognizable as being inappropriate. The predator will make themselves invaluable to the family and they will become a trusted member of the family. This will allow them to gain access to the child that they are grooming. The child will allow things to happen to them because the parents trust this person and the child may or may not think anything is wrong with what is happening to them. That will depend upon the age of the child. Even if they do feel uncomfortable, they will think it is alright because their parents trust this person, so will they. If the child is old enough the grooming may not work as well depending upon the relationship the child has with the parents. If they are old enough and the relationship with their parents is good, they will tell their parents about feeling uncomfortable and why. Most young children do not understand what is happening to them, they do not know about sex and they do not correlate it with being inappropriate. The predator will also tell the child everything is alright and the child will have no reason to think otherwise. There may be times when the parent feels uncomfortable with what is happening to the child or how their child is engaging with this person. If this is happening, listen to your gut feeling and talk with your child about what is happening to them with this person and get them to a trauma therapist. You will also need to get rid of the fear, guilt, anger, rage, grief and other emotions associated with the fact that your child has been groomed right under your nose. You will also have to be able to forgive yourself for not knowing what you had no reason to know. The following link is a start to the healing and the letting go of what you have no control over. The healing can and will take place in a trauma therapist office, please find one.
Picking a Therapist for any reason is as important as picking a spouse. Picking a Therapist when you have gone through some kind of trauma is even more important. The reason for that is you will be telling this person things you have never told anyone before or maybe just a select few people. You will have to be comfortable with this person and you will have to feel confident that you will be getting the help you need. You should also be asking if they have any trauma experience. This is important because if they don’t they can re-traumatize you without even knowing it. There are specialized tools that trauma therapist use and they are not in a regular therapist tool box. They may be a very good therapist, but, if they don’t understand how trauma works, they cannot help, as hard as they might try or as good as their intentions might be. In dealing with trauma you first have to give the person tools to help themselves, make them as comfortable with you as they can be and then, when they’re ready they will begin to talk about why they think they need to be with you. This takes time in a world where insurance companies will limit how many visits you will have in order to determine how many you will ultimately need. Sometimes they are right because people use the mental health system in not so good ways and we all pay for that. Sometimes they’re not right and the person who really needs the service doesn’t get it. Either way we all pay for those people who take advantage. When a person who has been traumatized seeks out therapy, they are usually ready to be helped out with these feelings and things that have been happening to them over and over. They are usually ready for the help. They want someone to help them. There are specific tools that a trauma therapist uses to help the person deal with their trauma. They are mindfulness, tapping, trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy, prolonged exposure and relaxation. The first thing that should be done is the relaxation and the grounding exercises with mindfulness. By the second visit you should be feeling relaxed enough with this person that you’re feeling that you came to the right place. The first visit will be, in part, dealing with demographic information, the rest of the session should be teaching you how breathe and relax. The second session should also be teaching you how to breathe and relax so when you are home you can do it for yourself every time a feeling or a flashback comes up. The breathing will help you to calm yourself. The more oxygen to your brain, the calmer you will feel. If you are practicing this daily, your brain will begin to be comfortable with enough oxygen to be calm on a regular basis. You will begin to be able to control the memories and because of that you will be able to talk about them. Trauma therapy works by normalizing the emotions attached to the memory so eventually you will be able to remember it without reliving it. Just like any other memory you will be able to retrieve it when you want to, not when it intrudes on your life when you least expect it. They should also be teaching how to let go of what you have no control over as well. The following link will help you to do that.
Symptoms of trauma are a follows: flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors, grieving, not being able to go to sleep or stay asleep persverating about what you should have done didn’t or what you did do and shouldn’t,needing to control yourenvironemnt, fear, guilt, regrets, remorse, resentment, depression, symptoms of anxiety, lack of trust in anyone, hyper-sexualized dress or fading into the woodwork, cutting, self-harm, accident prone, promiscuity, drama, reliving the trauma, feeling the emotions associated with the trauma, physical reactions when you are reminded of the trauma, memory loss about the trauma, memory triggers, not being able to hold or keep a job, drinking and drugging, lack of concentration, avoiding people, places and things you used to enjoy, police involvement and/or jail time due to the self-medication or anger / rage and fire setting. These symptoms are across gender. If you have experienced trauma in your childhood you emotionally will stay at the age the trauma happened even though you may grow physically and chronologically. Childhood sexual abuse is the only trauma that will leave you with the need for drama, cutting, self harm, accident prone, sexualized dress or fading into the woodwork, which is dressing so the opposite sex will not find you attractive. Baggy clothes, putting on a couple extra pounds, they will act as though they love you one minute and want you to go away the next, they experience rage that often times comes on suddenly and they have no idea why, they often do not remember the abuse and will tell you they have never been molested or raped, they are not lying, they just don’t remember, they also can be fire setters. This is also across gender. The only difference between little boys and little girls is that it’s easier in this society for little girls to report it then it is for boys of any age. It has become easier since the Sandusky reporting but we still expect little boys to suck it up and deal with it alone.
When you live in a constant state of stress you begin to develop symptoms of PTSD. (Post traumatic stress disorder) If you are living in a situation where there is high stress or have a job that is high stress you will eventually develop PTSD symptoms. Trauma is anything that places you in a fight or flight scenario, has your adrenalin flowing all of the time while you’re there. When this is happening all of the time, every day, you cannot help but develop symptoms of trauma. If you are a Policeman, Fireman, Corrections Officer or even a teacher in a special needs classroom you will develop trauma symptoms eventually. When we think of PTSD we think of the Military and combat, that is very true. But they are not the only people who can and will develop symptoms of trauma. It is also people who have been raped, beaten by a spouse, children who have been raped or molested, children who come from dysfunctional homes and have grown up too fast, any accident or sudden, unexpected death and also any loss of a limb. Trauma can and often does break up families because sometimes the people who you are relying upon for support think you are making it up, think you are exaggerating the facts or your feelings about it. The fact that you have no support through this trauma will re-traumatize you, making the symptoms worse. If you are self medicating, you are making the matter worse because the memory will only continue to come back until you deal with it. You cannot control the trauma memories, it is your brains way of trying to file the memory away so you can control it. It’s what the brain does. Letting go of the need to control it, accepting the fact that if you deal with it, your brain will do its job and file it away with your other memories and it will only bring it up when you want it to do so. It can’t file away what you’re trying to squash. You will need to let go of the fear, anger and need to control in order to begin therapy. You will need to choose a therapist that knows about trauma and you will need to be ready to deal with what happened to you. If either one of those things are not in place, you will re-traumatize yourself. The following link will help you to let go of what you have no control over and begin to relax.
Thinking positive or being positive in the world today is very difficult. There is so much negativity and anger. This country is divided in so many ways and there doesn’t seem to be anyone trying to bring it back together. We seem to be hyper-sensitive to everything so that even the small things that we were once able to laugh off, are now taken seriously. It is dividing communities and families. The law of attraction applies here. Whatever we are putting out there is coming back to us. The negativity is coming back to us and the more we put it out there the more it will come back until that is all we are getting in return. Changing the behavior is not that hard to do. All you have to di is stop the negative thought and change it to a positive one. It takes 3 weeks to change a behavior and 3 more weeks to make that behavior a habit. It takes constantly catching yourself thinking negatively and make it positive. Then 3 more weeks of thinking positive and being positive to make it a habit. The following link will help you to do just that.