Trust is a fragile thing. It is usually given until someone proves untrustworthy. Once the trust is broken it will be difficult to get back. The person now has to earn it back, only if the person they betrayed allows them back in their lives. Breaking trust hurts both people. It diminishes the person who did the betraying and it makes the person who was betrayed second guess themselves. They may become guarded with who they allow in their lives, if it was a loved one who did the betraying they may have difficulty trusting anyone again. Not everyone is untrustworthy however, and trying to figure out who is and who is not, is a difficult thing to know. Most of the feelings that a person who has been betrayed feels is that they should have known and that they are stupid for not knowing. Blaming yourself for not seeing the betrayal before it happened is unrealistic, especially if it is coming from someone who is suppose to love you. Once it happens you need to forgive yourself for not seeing it and for being the human you are. Doing what you can about the situation and letting go of the rest. Placing the rest in the box and letting go is critical for you to be able to trust again. Using this relaxation and guided imagery video will help you do just that. Click here for the video’s Enjoy!
Month: September 2016
Forgiveness
Most people believe that forgiving someone means that the person that hurt us is no longer responsible for what they did to us, that they do not have to make it up to us any longer, that whatever they did is removed from their history with us. That is not true. Whatever happened between you is still there, the only thing that changes when you forgive someone is that you put the burden of carrying their responsibility around with you. Not forgiving someone is like carrying around a sack on your back and every time someone does something to you, you put a rock in the sack and fling it over your back and carry it around. Pretty soon you are slumped over trying to carry this sack and people are looking at you like there is something wrong with you. The person that hurt you does not even remember the incident and you are still carrying around the hurt. The only person who is hurt by that is you. Carrying it around hurts you on a daily basis. Forgiving people allows you to put down the sack of rocks and move on with your life. It does nothing to or for the other person. They are still responsible for whatever they did and will eventually pay for it. Not your concern, your concern is moving on with your life and not allowing the hurt to stop you from living your life. When you do that, they win. When you forgive, you move on and they lose. You remain the person you have always been and did not allow them to change you and make you bitter. You did allow yourself to learn lessons from the event so it will not happen again, you just didn’t put it in a sack and carry it around with you for the rest of your life. No one and nothing is worth that burden. Here is my guided imagery video to help you get rid of the sack of rocks.
Instantaneous emotion
If there is instantaneous emotion related to an event or situation that has just happened, it has more to do with what just got triggered within you then what just happened. It will be more about what happened in the past that also caused that emotion then what just happened now. That is because that event was unresolved and with that event comes all of the emotions that you were feeling at the time. Resolving that event will be more about recognizing the past event and trying to resolve it within yourself and then possible with the people involved. If for whatever the reason you cannot resolve it with them, then letting it go. Not letting it go will mean that every time a similar event happens it will trigger those same emotions. You will find yourself caught up in feelings that some times have nothing to do with what just happened. You will be asking yourself “what was that about?” because the emotions may not necessarily match the event. Look at the event, let it go and move on . Hanging on to it will only hurt you. Using relaxation exercises and guided imagery will help you to do that. Click here for the video’s. Enjoy!
Fear and anxiety
In a recent blog I spoke about a young man who disowned his mother because he was feeling stuck in the middle between his mother and his wife every time his wife would find fault with something some one in his family of origin did. His mother was recently contacted by his wife. They had recently had another child and his mother had not seen the child, his wife invited her to meet the new addition. The mother immediately had fear and anxiety again. Her fear came from being misinterpreted by this young woman again and anxiety because the same thing would happen. Her first instinct was to run away and never experience that pain again. Loosing a child is never easy no matter how old, loosing them twice for the same reason is insane. Why walk into that same situation again if you know the outcome. The wife will never own the fact that she is autistic and misinterprets situations, gestures, facial expressions or anything else related to his mother because she does not like his mother. She will never understand that her thought are opinions and not facts. This mother has grieved the loss of her son and grandchildren. She was accepting the situation the way it was. Had felt relief that she did not have to feel the fear and anxiety every time she saw her child and grandchildren. She no longer looked for her family to get together during the holiday’s or other times. She accepted the fact that his wife’s family did that and she would never be able to do so. She would never see all of her children in the same room at the same time. There was a sense of relief about that as well. No tension, no fear, no anxiety provoking situations to deal with at her age. She was good without them. Why walk back into that situation and create all of that anxiety for yourself. Because he is her baby and a mother will do anything for her baby, including walking back into what feels like hell. She will arm herself this time and will speak her truth. Whenever she is insulted she will say so, whenever she catches a misinterpretation she will say so, whenever a boundary is crossed she will bring it out in the open. Whenever there is time for his wife’s family and not her’s she will bring it to the light. She will take deep breaths and place all of those things she has no control over in a box for God to deal. She will accept this olive branch and pray to God that He will cure her anxiety and fear. This will help to place all of those things you cannot control into a box to give to God or anyone else you choose. Click here for the link to the video’s Enjoy!
Win win fighting
When you are in an argument with your partner or friend, yelling at them is not only going to cause more hurt feelings and problems but it can and sometimes does break up those same relationships. In yesterday’s blog I talked about doing something constructive with your anger and then talking about what caused the anger. If you cannot talk about what caused the anger then it will repeat itself. Your partner or friend cannot be expect to know what the problem was unless you tell them. They will continue to make the same mistake until you tell them it is one. These conversations are difficult but necessary if you value the relationship and do not want to lose it. During the conversation, if you feel anger building again or the person you are talking to is becoming angry, stop the conversation and get rid of the anger before you continue. Do this until what is bothering you is out in the open. When discussing one issue do not bring another problem into it, deal with that during another conversation. If it is a repeated pattern of behavior, discuss the pattern not the individual symptoms of that pattern. An example would be if your partner leaves their coffee cup one time, a plate another time, a glass another time, their clothes another time in places where they shouldn’t be, do not discuss each individual time. The pattern is picking up after themselves. Discuss picking up after themselves and only give the most recent time as an example. Discussing everything but the kitchen sink during an argument only confuses the issue you are discussing and the person feels attacked. One issue at a time. These discussions should not be about winning or losing the argument. They should be about coming to a place of mutual agreement, win win. Know though that just because you have asked the person to pick up after themselves, does not mean they are going to do so. It may take time for them to develop this new behavior or they may refuse completely. You then have some choices to make about whether you can accept that fact, what limits you will place on the relationship, what you will and will not tolerate within those bounds. You will have to think about how much stress this particular thing causes you and if you will be able to tolerate it or not, if there is a refusal on their part to change. There are always choices, sometimes not great ones, but always choices. These video’s will help you to relax and give away what you have no control over, while you make your choice. the link to the video’s. Enjoy!
Repressed anger
Anger is never repressed. It is not spoken, but never repressed. Anger will express itself in many ways. It will come out in ways that we cannot control unless we choose to control it and express it in a conscious manner. Anger will express itself by becoming frustrated at small things, being angry at your boss and coming home and taking it out on your family or the dog. You will get ulcers or other stomach or intestinal problems, grind your teeth, clench you fists when there is no apparent reason. The Chakra religions believe that kidney stones are little balls of unexpressed anger.
This does not mean we have to engage in an argument with those people who have provoked the anger if it is not safe or appropriate to do so. It means we can express the anger in a safe, controlled manner like going for a run or walk, punching a punching bag or lifting weights. If you are less physical then listening to calming music, guided imagery or several deep breaths will help. These things will help to get rid of the initial angry feelings and allow your mind and emotions to calm and think about what we should be doing about what angered us and why. Finding out the why can be more important then what to do about it. If the why is not looked at, it will keep repeating itself in our lives. We will keep finding the same relationships, the same boss, the same friends that will ultimately anger us in the same manner. Anger usually comes because someone has hurt us. Often it is the same kind of situation that has hurt us, just different people this time. It is also something that has repeated in our lives from childhood. Because of this, you may not be able to resolve it with the initial person that hurt you in this manner. There are still ways to deal with the repeated pattern.
So, you have gotten rid of the initial feelings of anger in a controlled manner, but still have the problem facing you. If you can talk to the person involved about what tripped your anger without becoming angry all over again, that is excellent. If you cannot either because they have died or because talking would not work due to drug or alcohol addiction, autism or other mental health disorders then you can write down what you need to say to them, draw it out if you are so inclined, work it out in the gym, or during many runs or walks or talk it out with a trusted friend or therapist but get it out so you can see it. Keeping it inside your head and heart only allows it to take on a life of its own and will destroy you and your health. Once you can see it objectively you will be able to come up with a solution that will stop the anger outbursts. It will also stop those people in your life that continue to push that particular button in you from being able to push it because you will have disconnected it. That particular button will no longer matter and even though you will recognize that an attempt has been made to push it, you no longer care.
This site will help you relax and uses guided imagery to calm the emotions so you can think clearly. Link to the video’s Enjoy!
Wasted lives?
I once worked with a woman who was depressed, drank some to medicate herself against the pain she was feeling but had stopped drinking and was now facing why she was depressed and turned to drinking. She was told to go to AA, which she did, they told her to go to Al-anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). These organizations helped for a while but had stopped working and she was still depressed. She realized she was in a loveless marriage and after several separations, her husband decided that divorce was the answer. He had found someone else. One of her son’s had recently started acting out and getting in trouble in school and no one seemed to know why all of a sudden. He had struggled in school with learning disabilities but had not been a behavior problem before. He began staying at his fathers house more often and she wondered if that was the problem but did not want to stop the interaction because he was 12 almost 13 years old. Boys need their father more at that age, then they do their mothers. He was also fighting with his younger brother which was new because they were inseparable. It had gotten so bad that the younger brother came to live with her permanently after having his 2 front teeth knocked out during a “play fight” at their fathers house. Her husband was also telling his girlfriends that she was a drunk, slept with anyone who would sleep with her and was a bad mother. He had asked her to stop going to ACOA meetings so he could go. All of a sudden she had the plague in the small town they lived in and he was the local hero. The son that was acting out in school and at his fathers house but did not act out at her house for a long while. One day he did, by refusing to listen to her when she said he could not go into town. Her son began to yell and scream about how bad she was, how horrible a mother she was, not unlike those thing she new were being said by the people in town about her. He was getting the information at school. Nothing she could do about that. She stood her ground and refused to let him go into town. He began to throw things and she restrained him and told her daughter to call the police. She asked for him to be charged with disorderly conduct and the District Attorney charged him with Assault. It seemed that the help he was getting at school for his learning disabilities had morphed into his being a behavior problem. She wondered where her son had gone, it would not be the last time. He continued to get into trouble, counseling had not worked whether it was family or individual counseling. He husband had remarried and had little to do with their children because his new wife did not want them. Her son had been in and out of jail several times. During one of these times he wrote her that he had been molested by 3 men. These men were his fathers friends. They molested him while his father allowed them to take him and spend time with them. To do father and son things. Because his real father did not want to do them. She cried for the wasted life, she wondered what he would have been if these men had not molested him and if she had pick a better father for him. These men had gotten him drunk and or high and then molested him. She heard and felt the rage within him. He begged her not to say anything. She told her ex-husband, he wondered if he was gay. She sat in astonishment at the response and the lack of responsibility he took in getting their son this far. Her son continued to drink and to keep in contact with her. They had long ago lost contact with their father except on holidays and birthday’s. She watched her son waste his life. He was angry, could not hold a job, promiscuity and all of the typical symptoms of someone who had been molested as a child. It was there to see if you knew what to look for, he was not talking about it, he was still getting into trouble and had turned into someone who drank and did not care about anyone but himself. She did not recognize her son. She missed her boy and wondered where he had gone. When he was sober she saw glimpses of him and thought there was hope. Mostly he drank and got himself into trouble with the anger he felt. He would always come to her when he felt out of control and she would set the limit. One day after several lies that he seemed to believe about her came to a head, he began to steal from her more than usual. She again set a limit and told him she would call the police if he took one more thing from her. He attempted to do just that and when she tried to stop him, he pushed her twice in an attempt to take what he wanted. He was arrested for harassment and had a PFA placed on him. This was the first time he had laid a hand on her in violence. It would be the last.
She has moved on with her life and she is doing better. He is still running from the molestation’s. Boy’s, men are not permitted, in this country, to talk about being molested. We do them a disservice. They are somehow seen as weak and should have somehow known better. They are children, someone was supposed to be watching and did not. The mother is still healing from what her son has gone through and the impact it has had on her watching his decline. She is still hoping that he finds the help he needs before he kills himself or someone else with drink and anger. A lot of people failed this child beginning with his father, the mental health system in the small town and the juvenile justice system, all who did not recognize the symptoms of molestation. They should have and failed. The shame is theirs also. They need to be aware and get these children the help they need early. It is now up to her son to get himself help. He is a grown man and is still stuck emotionally at 12 or 13 years old. He will need to be brave to face this trauma. He will need to stop drinking in order to do it. His mother recognizes there is nothing she can do for her son and she will not watch him ruin his life any longer. She uses this video to help her relax and give away what she has no control over. Here is the link to the video’s Enjoy!
Monkey in the middle
I have recently had a young man who is now married to an un-diagnosed autistic young woman. She has sensitivities to smell and touch and several other senses. When she met the young mans mother, the mother had brought over spaghetti sauce and , of course, she hugged and kissed the young woman. The young woman stiffened in her arms and turned her nose up at the smell of the sauce and left the room. The young man asked his mother if she had any noodles without sauce. When there wasn’t, the young woman made her own food and refused to touch anything the young mans mother brought. She did not explain herself. These kinds of unexplained incidents continued to happen until one day when the mans mother repeated something she thought was the truth to her son and his girlfriend and later found out it was not true. The young mans girlfriend verbally attacked this mans mother, calling her a liar. The mother apologize for the misinformation and explained that she did not realize it was not the truth. The young man and his mother had been talking several times a week and that continued with the young man expressing concern about this young woman to his mother. He had concerns about how she behaved at times, the fact that he thought she might be cheating on him and the mother, even though she attempted to be neutral in the matter, tried to guide her son with the wisdom of her years and experience so he could make up his own mind about this situation. Through all of this the mother tried to stay neutral because she knew that her son loved this woman or she would have never met the girl. She only meets the girls that her son is thinking about keeping. Finally her son called her asking to come home for a little while because he thought his girlfriend was cheating again. The mother said of course, and suggested that he talk to her about whatever is going on before making any rash decisions. The mother never heard back from her son, and when he did not show up that night, like expected, she tried to call him with no answer. She then called the usual hospitals and police thinking there might have been an accident. She continued to call his cell phone with no response. It was 2 days later and her son phoned her and told her, he was mistaken and that she was not cheating. They were back together. The mother said that she was glad to hear that the situation was resolved. Her son stopped calling her regularly. The next time they were together her son’s girlfriend asked her why her son behaves that way. The mother responded that she should ask her son that question. Incidents like this continued to happen. Every invitation given by the mother to come to her home was rejected for some reason or they did not show up. The mother stopped inviting because she did not want to put her son in the middle by making a big deal about it. The mother was invited to the birth of the first born, she began watching her granddaughter every other weekend. Things were good, tense at times, but good. Another granddaughter came and she began watching her as well, every other weekend. Several situations happened that were hurtful to the mother and she attempted to talk with the girlfriend but the girlfriend refused to discuss it. The girlfriend stopped bringing her granddaughters over every other weekend without explanation. When the mother tried to find out or asked when she could see her granddaughters again excuses were made. The mother found out that the girlfriends mother had moved in to watch the children while they worked. The mother called her son, who was now not calling her at all or returning her phone calls very often. She wanted them to sit down and talk about what was going on before it got worse. Her son said if this is about my girlfriend we’re going to have a problem because she already knows you don’t like her. The mother tried to say that it was not about liking or not liking, it was about clearing the air and getting to the bottom of whatever was happening. The mother was trying not to put her son in the middle between her and his girlfriend but it was becoming obvious that the girlfriend had been doing just that. Her son was squarely in the middle. The mother began calling and texting the girlfriend. The mother suggested going on a vacation together as a family and asked for a week that this could happen. The girlfriend agreed and gave a week that this could happen. The mother later found out it was not a good week and that her son was angry with her about it. The week was a start to mending fences but the girlfriend was insulting to her other children and to her. The girl didn’t even seem to know she was doing it. The mother still thought that if they could all get to know each other better and spend time together, things would work out and she could have all of her children and grandchildren together at least once a year. That had stopped as well. She was not seeing her children and grandchildren together as a family any more. The following year she was making plans for another vacation together as a family and wanting to get in touch with everyone to find a week that worked for everyone. Her son called her to tell her his now wife, had been looking at cruises and wanted to go, she was bringing her mother who also needed a vacation. The cruise was one insult after another and when her other son said what everyone had been thinking, she was asked if she agreed. The mother said she did. The son was hurt and said that he was tired of feeling like he was being place between his family and his family. The mother cried the entire way home. She was being slowly removed from her son and her grandchildren’s lives by someone who had no empathy for anyone’s feelings but her own. The mother stopped trying to call her son hoping that he would not be placed in the middle. She recognize the girl did not like her and hadn’t from the beginning and was making her son choose between his family and his family. The last time the mother saw her child and her grandchildren was at her third grandchild’s birthday party. She had not been invited to anything else. She had begun to be anxious before, during and after meetings with her now daughter-in-law. Her son had been drinking and he had a trip to make into New York later that afternoon and she was concerned. She was anxious about that as well. The only welcome the mother received was from the father of the daughter -in-law and her oldest granddaughter. She had not been able to get to know the other grandchildren like she had the oldest because the every other weekends had stopped when the mother-in-law moved in as the babysitter. Her son’s job had also moved them further away. When the other grandmother was in the room, it was like she was not even there. She has stopped trying to gain their attention because it would place them in the middle. She also knew that this would only get worse if it was not talked about and the air cleared. She also knew that her son would continue to be placed in the middle by someone that only understood her own feelings and could care less about anyone else. They did not come up for Christmas even though she knew they had made plans with her daughter-in-laws family. They did that every year. When the second grandchild’s birthday came, the mother asked that invitations be sent to her other children, mother and sister. She knew that the daughter-in-law sent invitations to her family. Her son became angry saying that his mother never liked his wife and that she was lucky she was even invited. This was sent in a text and went on for several pages. The mother didn’t respond, again because she did not want to place him in the middle. She already did not feel welcome in her son’s home because of her daughter-in-law and her family. She now did not feel welcome because of her son. She sent her granddaughter a card with money, and an apology that she could not be there. She said nothing else about what had transpired with her son, because that would have placed her granddaughter in the middle. Again she cried because she was being strategically removed from her son and grandchildren’s lives and everyone refused to talk about it in a sane manner, only angry text messages where only one side was being known. When her son received the card another angry text message came with the announcement that he did not know what her game was but she was no longer welcomed anywhere near his family , she was not to talk to or send them anything. She cried and expressed her own anger and when she felt she could respond without anger she, only texted back that it sounded like her didn’t it. She has not seen her son and grandchildren since. This is what not talking about issues and un-diagnosed autism does to families.
It took this family over 10 years to get to the point where the son disowned his mother. He was tired of being placed in the middle by his wife. He chose his wife and his girls as any good father should. It came from a lack of communication with the entire family, an inability to have empathy for what the other person might be feeling or thinking, talking behind people’s backs about situations that should be discussed openly if you truly want them resolved. It came from a point of view that everything that is thought is fact and not just an opinion like everyone else. It came from an inability to understand that there are always more than one side to every story, not just yours. It came from a need to control everything in your environment, including everyone. It came from an instant dislike for people based on sight, smell and touch. It came from withholding affection and love in an attempt to get what you want from people you’re claiming to love. This is anxiety producing. It had no other outcome unless you can talk about the fact that you are dealing with autism and how you can help the person with autism understand the disorder so they stop dealing with people they way they do. This girl did not have early intervention or these situations would not have happened. The son would not have been placed in the middle because the girl would have understood she had to look at another point of view. Taking deep breaths, relaxing, using guided imagery has helped the mother cope with not seeing her son and grandchildren. She has placed into the box what she cannot control. She has set limits for when the son comes back into her life, because he will eventually. He is her son. This site will help you do the same thing. link to the video’s Enjoy!
Filling the empty space
As a therapist I have heard many people say that something is missing in their lives. There is a void, an empty space that needs to be filled, that they feel empty. If you are not connecting with yourself daily, then you are not only missing yourself but you are missing a deeper connection. You can call it many things but it is a higher entity, someone greater then yourself that you are shutting out. The space that you are trying to fill can only be filled by that presence. You cannot fill it with anything else and the more you try to fill it with other things, the more miserable you will become. The more empty you will become. We are so busy in this culture that we do not consider taking the time to sit with ourselves and meditate very important. The only way you will fill the void you feel is to do just that. While you are sitting there, listen. The void you feel will be filled with someone greater then yourself. You will need to relax enough and be still enough to allow this to happen. If you have kept yourself busy for many years now, this will take time. You can slow down gradually. The first day sit for 5 minutes and think of nothing. Quiet your mind. Set a timer. The next day sit for 10 minutes and gradually increase the amount of time daily by 5 minutes until you are sitting for longer periods and your mind is not trying to divert to other things that have to be done that day. Use the guided imagery video to get rid of those thing that have to be done that day while you are meditating and the relaxation video to help yourself do that and get your mind in the right place to concentrate. You won’t regret it.
Attitude
As a human being there are many things that we bring with us every day. We walk around with them and hold on to them. Some like armor, some like a badge, some like an award that we’ve earned and some like a lessen learned. During our day many things will happen to us some good and some bad. How we handle these things is critical to how they turn out and how they effect others. The most important thing in how we handle these things is our attitude. It is one of the most important things that we bring with us during our day. Our attitude not only effects us but others around us that we are with and dealing with during our day. If we carry with us an attitude of not caring, people will see that and it can break relationship. If we bring with us an attitude of anxiety people will see that and it may be mis-perceived as their doing. If we bring with us an attitude of loving positive regard, people will see that and know that you care about the outcome and will do your best. Most people dismiss people with negative attitudes because they are aware that a good outcome is not possible with someone like that. They will seek out someone who is genuinely going to try to help them or treat them fairly. Whatever attitude you bring with you during your day others will see and either run for the hills or want to be with you. Your attitude will determine what kind of person you attract to you and what kind of person you repel. If you are negative you will attract negative to you. If you are positive you will attract positive to you. Everyone knows this, what they don’t always understand is that it starts with the attitude you bring with you during regular interaction with people during your day. The attitude you wake up with and go to sleep with that will either make or break how your day goes. What happens during your day is random and will depend entirely upon the person you are dealing with at the time. Bad things can happen, negative people can happen, unexpected things can happen. Things will not always turn out the way you have planned. You cannot control everything that happens to you during your day. The only thing you can control is the attitude you bring with you to that situation. An attitude of loving positive regard will bring about a positive outcome whether the situation or the person you are dealing with at the time is negative or not. You have a choice to either be sucked into the negative attitude of others or to keep that positive attitude you woke up with that morning. If you choose that negative attitude, things usually go down hill quickly. If you choose to stick with the positive attitude things will change for the positive. Your day is yours to do with as you see fit.
Relax and enjoy your day and put the negative in a box with all of the other things you have no control over. This video can help you do that for yourself. Link to the video’s Enjoy!
deb toomey 