Trust is a fragile thing. It is usually given until someone proves untrustworthy. Once the trust is broken it will be difficult to get back. The person now has to earn it back, only if the person they betrayed allows them back in their lives. Breaking trust hurts both people. It diminishes the person who did the betraying and it makes the person who was betrayed second guess themselves. They may become guarded with who they allow in their lives, if it was a loved one who did the betraying they may have difficulty trusting anyone again. Not everyone is untrustworthy however, and trying to figure out who is and who is not, is a difficult thing to know. Most of the feelings that a person who has been betrayed feels is that they should have known and that they are stupid for not knowing. Blaming yourself for not seeing the betrayal before it happened is unrealistic, especially if it is coming from someone who is suppose to love you. Once it happens you need to forgive yourself for not seeing it and for being the human you are. Doing what you can about the situation and letting go of the rest. Placing the rest in the box and letting go is critical for you to be able to trust again. Using this relaxation and guided imagery video will help you do just that. Click here for the video’s Enjoy!
Most people believe that forgiving someone means that the person that hurt us is no longer responsible for what they did to us, that they do not have to make it up to us any longer, that whatever they did is removed from their history with us. That is not true. Whatever happened between you is still there, the only thing that changes when you forgive someone is that you put the burden of carrying their responsibility around with you. Not forgiving someone is like carrying around a sack on your back and every time someone does something to you, you put a rock in the sack and fling it over your back and carry it around. Pretty soon you are slumped over trying to carry this sack and people are looking at you like there is something wrong with you. The person that hurt you does not even remember the incident and you are still carrying around the hurt. The only person who is hurt by that is you. Carrying it around hurts you on a daily basis. Forgiving people allows you to put down the sack of rocks and move on with your life. It does nothing to or for the other person. They are still responsible for whatever they did and will eventually pay for it. Not your concern, your concern is moving on with your life and not allowing the hurt to stop you from living your life. When you do that, they win. When you forgive, you move on and they lose. You remain the person you have always been and did not allow them to change you and make you bitter. You did allow yourself to learn lessons from the event so it will not happen again, you just didn’t put it in a sack and carry it around with you for the rest of your life. No one and nothing is worth that burden. Here is my guided imagery video to help you get rid of the sack of rocks.
If there is instantaneous emotion related to an event or situation that has just happened, it has more to do with what just got triggered within you then what just happened. It will be more about what happened in the past that also caused that emotion then what just happened now. That is because that event was unresolved and with that event comes all of the emotions that you were feeling at the time. Resolving that event will be more about recognizing the past event and trying to resolve it within yourself and then possible with the people involved. If for whatever the reason you cannot resolve it with them, then letting it go. Not letting it go will mean that every time a similar event happens it will trigger those same emotions. You will find yourself caught up in feelings that some times have nothing to do with what just happened. You will be asking yourself “what was that about?” because the emotions may not necessarily match the event. Look at the event, let it go and move on . Hanging on to it will only hurt you. Using relaxation exercises and guided imagery will help you to do that. Click here for the video’s. Enjoy!
In a recent blog I spoke about a young man who disowned his mother because he was feeling stuck in the middle between his mother and his wife every time his wife would find fault with something some one in his family of origin did. His mother was recently contacted by his wife. They had recently had another child and his mother had not seen the child, his wife invited her to meet the new addition. The mother immediately had fear and anxiety again. Her fear came from being misinterpreted by this young woman again and anxiety because the same thing would happen. Her first instinct was to run away and never experience that pain again. Loosing a child is never easy no matter how old, loosing them twice for the same reason is insane. Why walk into that same situation again if you know the outcome. The wife will never own the fact that she is autistic and misinterprets situations, gestures, facial expressions or anything else related to his mother because she does not like his mother. She will never understand that her thought are opinions and not facts. This mother has grieved the loss of her son and grandchildren. She was accepting the situation the way it was. Had felt relief that she did not have to feel the fear and anxiety every time she saw her child and grandchildren. She no longer looked for her family to get together during the holiday’s or other times. She accepted the fact that his wife’s family did that and she would never be able to do so. She would never see all of her children in the same room at the same time. There was a sense of relief about that as well. No tension, no fear, no anxiety provoking situations to deal with at her age. She was good without them. Why walk back into that situation and create all of that anxiety for yourself. Because he is her baby and a mother will do anything for her baby, including walking back into what feels like hell. She will arm herself this time and will speak her truth. Whenever she is insulted she will say so, whenever she catches a misinterpretation she will say so, whenever a boundary is crossed she will bring it out in the open. Whenever there is time for his wife’s family and not her’s she will bring it to the light. She will take deep breaths and place all of those things she has no control over in a box for God to deal. She will accept this olive branch and pray to God that He will cure her anxiety and fear. This will help to place all of those things you cannot control into a box to give to God or anyone else you choose. Click here for the link to the video’s Enjoy!
When you are in an argument with your partner or friend, yelling at them is not only going to cause more hurt feelings and problems but it can and sometimes does break up those same relationships. In yesterday’s blog I talked about doing something constructive with your anger and then talking about what caused the anger. If you cannot talk about what caused the anger then it will repeat itself. Your partner or friend cannot be expect to know what the problem was unless you tell them. They will continue to make the same mistake until you tell them it is one. These conversations are difficult but necessary if you value the relationship and do not want to lose it. During the conversation, if you feel anger building again or the person you are talking to is becoming angry, stop the conversation and get rid of the anger before you continue. Do this until what is bothering you is out in the open. When discussing one issue do not bring another problem into it, deal with that during another conversation. If it is a repeated pattern of behavior, discuss the pattern not the individual symptoms of that pattern. An example would be if your partner leaves their coffee cup one time, a plate another time, a glass another time, their clothes another time in places where they shouldn’t be, do not discuss each individual time. The pattern is picking up after themselves. Discuss picking up after themselves and only give the most recent time as an example. Discussing everything but the kitchen sink during an argument only confuses the issue you are discussing and the person feels attacked. One issue at a time. These discussions should not be about winning or losing the argument. They should be about coming to a place of mutual agreement, win win. Know though that just because you have asked the person to pick up after themselves, does not mean they are going to do so. It may take time for them to develop this new behavior or they may refuse completely. You then have some choices to make about whether you can accept that fact, what limits you will place on the relationship, what you will and will not tolerate within those bounds. You will have to think about how much stress this particular thing causes you and if you will be able to tolerate it or not, if there is a refusal on their part to change. There are always choices, sometimes not great ones, but always choices. These video’s will help you to relax and give away what you have no control over, while you make your choice. the link to the video’s. Enjoy!
Anger is never repressed. It is not spoken, but never repressed. Anger will express itself in many ways. It will come out in ways that we cannot control unless we choose to control it and express it in a conscious manner. Anger will express itself by becoming frustrated at small things, being angry at your boss and coming home and taking it out on your family or the dog. You will get ulcers or other stomach or intestinal problems, grind your teeth, clench you fists when there is no apparent reason. The Chakra religions believe that kidney stones are little balls of unexpressed anger.
This does not mean we have to engage in an argument with those people who have provoked the anger if it is not safe or appropriate to do so. It means we can express the anger in a safe, controlled manner like going for a run or walk, punching a punching bag or lifting weights. If you are less physical then listening to calming music, guided imagery or several deep breaths will help. These things will help to get rid of the initial angry feelings and allow your mind and emotions to calm and think about what we should be doing about what angered us and why. Finding out the why can be more important then what to do about it. If the why is not looked at, it will keep repeating itself in our lives. We will keep finding the same relationships, the same boss, the same friends that will ultimately anger us in the same manner. Anger usually comes because someone has hurt us. Often it is the same kind of situation that has hurt us, just different people this time. It is also something that has repeated in our lives from childhood. Because of this, you may not be able to resolve it with the initial person that hurt you in this manner. There are still ways to deal with the repeated pattern.
So, you have gotten rid of the initial feelings of anger in a controlled manner, but still have the problem facing you. If you can talk to the person involved about what tripped your anger without becoming angry all over again, that is excellent. If you cannot either because they have died or because talking would not work due to drug or alcohol addiction, autism or other mental health disorders then you can write down what you need to say to them, draw it out if you are so inclined, work it out in the gym, or during many runs or walks or talk it out with a trusted friend or therapist but get it out so you can see it. Keeping it inside your head and heart only allows it to take on a life of its own and will destroy you and your health. Once you can see it objectively you will be able to come up with a solution that will stop the anger outbursts. It will also stop those people in your life that continue to push that particular button in you from being able to push it because you will have disconnected it. That particular button will no longer matter and even though you will recognize that an attempt has been made to push it, you no longer care.
This site will help you relax and uses guided imagery to calm the emotions so you can think clearly. Link to the video’s Enjoy!
I once worked with a woman who was depressed, drank some to medicate herself against the pain she was feeling but had stopped drinking and was now facing why she was depressed and turned to drinking. She was told to go to AA, which she did, they told her to go to Al-anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). These organizations helped for a while but had stopped working and she was still depressed. She realized she was in a loveless marriage and after several separations, her husband decided that divorce was the answer. He had found someone else. One of her son’s had recently started acting out and getting in trouble in school and no one seemed to know why all of a sudden. He had struggled in school with learning disabilities but had not been a behavior problem before. He began staying at his fathers house more often and she wondered if that was the problem but did not want to stop the interaction because he was 12 almost 13 years old. Boys need their father more at that age, then they do their mothers. He was also fighting with his younger brother which was new because they were inseparable. It had gotten so bad that the younger brother came to live with her permanently after having his 2 front teeth knocked out during a “play fight” at their fathers house. Her husband was also telling his girlfriends that she was a drunk, slept with anyone who would sleep with her and was a bad mother. He had asked her to stop going to ACOA meetings so he could go. All of a sudden she had the plague in the small town they lived in and he was the local hero. The son that was acting out in school and at his fathers house but did not act out at her house for a long while. One day he did, by refusing to listen to her when she said he could not go into town. Her son began to yell and scream about how bad she was, how horrible a mother she was, not unlike those thing she new were being said by the people in town about her. He was getting the information at school. Nothing she could do about that. She stood her ground and refused to let him go into town. He began to throw things and she restrained him and told her daughter to call the police. She asked for him to be charged with disorderly conduct and the District Attorney charged him with Assault. It seemed that the help he was getting at school for his learning disabilities had morphed into his being a behavior problem. She wondered where her son had gone, it would not be the last time. He continued to get into trouble, counseling had not worked whether it was family or individual counseling. He husband had remarried and had little to do with their children because his new wife did not want them. Her son had been in and out of jail several times. During one of these times he wrote her that he had been molested by 3 men. These men were his fathers friends. They molested him while his father allowed them to take him and spend time with them. To do father and son things. Because his real father did not want to do them. She cried for the wasted life, she wondered what he would have been if these men had not molested him and if she had pick a better father for him. These men had gotten him drunk and or high and then molested him. She heard and felt the rage within him. He begged her not to say anything. She told her ex-husband, he wondered if he was gay. She sat in astonishment at the response and the lack of responsibility he took in getting their son this far. Her son continued to drink and to keep in contact with her. They had long ago lost contact with their father except on holidays and birthday’s. She watched her son waste his life. He was angry, could not hold a job, promiscuity and all of the typical symptoms of someone who had been molested as a child. It was there to see if you knew what to look for, he was not talking about it, he was still getting into trouble and had turned into someone who drank and did not care about anyone but himself. She did not recognize her son. She missed her boy and wondered where he had gone. When he was sober she saw glimpses of him and thought there was hope. Mostly he drank and got himself into trouble with the anger he felt. He would always come to her when he felt out of control and she would set the limit. One day after several lies that he seemed to believe about her came to a head, he began to steal from her more than usual. She again set a limit and told him she would call the police if he took one more thing from her. He attempted to do just that and when she tried to stop him, he pushed her twice in an attempt to take what he wanted. He was arrested for harassment and had a PFA placed on him. This was the first time he had laid a hand on her in violence. It would be the last.
She has moved on with her life and she is doing better. He is still running from the molestation’s. Boy’s, men are not permitted, in this country, to talk about being molested. We do them a disservice. They are somehow seen as weak and should have somehow known better. They are children, someone was supposed to be watching and did not. The mother is still healing from what her son has gone through and the impact it has had on her watching his decline. She is still hoping that he finds the help he needs before he kills himself or someone else with drink and anger. A lot of people failed this child beginning with his father, the mental health system in the small town and the juvenile justice system, all who did not recognize the symptoms of molestation. They should have and failed. The shame is theirs also. They need to be aware and get these children the help they need early. It is now up to her son to get himself help. He is a grown man and is still stuck emotionally at 12 or 13 years old. He will need to be brave to face this trauma. He will need to stop drinking in order to do it. His mother recognizes there is nothing she can do for her son and she will not watch him ruin his life any longer. She uses this video to help her relax and give away what she has no control over. Here is the link to the video’s Enjoy!