Reinforcing positive behavior

If you have a child or even an adult that acts out to get attention or to try to get their point across, ignoring the behavior is often what will stop the behavior.  Again it does not happen instantly.  it takes 3 weeks to change a behavior and 3 more weeks to make that behavior a habit.  While you are ignoring the negative behavior you should be reinforcing the positive behavior.  Catch them being good.  I made an example of what I meant by this in an earlier blog, but it goes something like this:  a child who has ADHD and could not sit still for anything, even to eat, was getting worse with his behavior. The parents were only addressing the behavior when he was in trouble and needing a time out.  The end result of this was the parents were taught how to catch him being good and soon the child was being reinforced for the positive things he was doing and not the negative.  He was sitting down to eat a meal with his family and not doing negative things just to get attention.  He was doing positive things instead.

Catching them being good is not easy at first because you have usually taught them to get attention only by doing negative things.  So start small and do not expect them to do anything that you have not taught them to do.  Whatever you have yelled at, punished or otherwise given attention to, they will repeat to get attention because that is the only attention they are getting.  Stop giving it attention and give something positive your attention.  Even if it just happens for a moment, verbally praise it.  Like in the example above the child was only able to stand still for a moment but it was verbally praised and the next time he did it for a little longer, until he was sitting at the table for an entire meal talking with his family.  You can also create opportunities for your child to be good and then praise them for doing so.  You will have to be stronger than your child and not give in when the going gets tough.  Because it will get tough. They will want to continue to do what they have always done, get you to back down by being as obnoxious as they can be.

Again nothing very good happens quickly.  Nothing real happens quickly.  Remember if you have been doing this for a while, it will take a while to undo it.  I know you are tired of it, but  your child is worth the effort.  If it is an adult you will have to do some soul-searching to find out if the relationship is worth the effort put into it.  If you pray, do that, if you meditate do that.  You will have to be centered yourself to be calm enough to do this.  it will not be easy, but it is worth the effort once it is done.  You may also want to use my video on relaxation to stay calm and give away anything that is getting in the way of keeping your peace and connecting with your child.    Click here for the link to the Video’s.   enjoy!

Grooming

Grooming is a term used to describe what pedophiles do to get children and parents used to, comfortable with, them and what they do, before they actually molest your child.  They attempt to make themselves invaluable to you.  They become affectionate with you and your child.  They sit too close, place their hands in places on your body that make you uncomfortable at first, but you will then think “that’s just how they are”.  They will often be a valuable person in the community and you will think they are safe.  They will offer to take responsibility for your children to let you have a night off, they will become the father figure in your child’s life, usually without any sexual requests on you as a woman. You may even find that refreshing.  They will be willing to spend time and money on you and your child without any expectation of getting anything in return.  They will be a support, a rock in your time of need.  Your child will think they are wonderful at first and then will not want to go with them when they begin the molestation.  They are very good at breaking down whatever barriers have been put up.  Whatever moral code you have given to your children, they will break down and remove, make pliable so they can molest your child without too much trouble.  That usually doesn’t work for long, if you have done your job well.  Your child will become uncomfortable after the molestation begins.  The molester will then become threatening towards your child, they will get them drunk or high to lower their inhibitions so your child will not object.  If that happens your child will submit, either out of fear for themselves or their family or because they are now guilty about getting drunk or high.  They may also be addicted to whatever they are being given.  They may even initiate the contact in order to get more of whatever they are now addicted.  The molester will convince them it was and is their fault.

This kind of trauma is the worst kind of trauma whether you are a boy or girl.  It will be easier for a girl to report it than it will be for a boy.  Boys are supposed to be tough, they are supposed to somehow stop it from happening, society thinks that they probable wanted it just because they are male.  Boy’s are suppose to suck it up and deal with it.  As a society, we need to catch up with the reality of the situation.  Boys are still children.  They are as innocent as their girl counterparts.  We need to make it as easy for them to report it as we have girls, even if they are now adult males.   Molesters need to be stopped.  If it is your child, they will need trauma therapy.  This kind of trauma can be overcome with help.  It is not the end of the world for them.  They will never be what they would have been, but can be close to it.  You will begin to see glimpses of the child you knew as therapy comes to an end.  Prolonged Exposure, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (mindfulness) will change the behaviors associated with sexual abuse and grooming.  If it is your child who was molested, you will need to relax and give away all of those things you have no control over.  The link below will help you to do that.  Here is the link    Enjoy!